SN parents - do you ever feel safe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Calm App has done wonders for me. I did the 7 days to Calm and the 30 part session on Mindfulness for Beginners. Now I do the Daily Calm and the Daily Trip. Each person has a different approach and I get a little here and a little there. I cannot not visualize and they, for the most part, do not use visualization.

This has helped me stop the constant flight or fight mode I have been in- if only for a little while. Seeing a therapist has also helped me help my child with also maintaining just a little bit of distance so I don’t take on their issues as my own. Still working on that.

+1 for mindfulness. It was Ten Percent Happier for me. Never felt like it was doing much in the moment but somehow it still made a big difference in my overall state of mind. Maybe PP’s right, maybe it was about getting me out of fight or flight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I want to hug you. I will not shame your anxiety because I feel it too. This is not just about you feeling anxious. It's you loving your kid so darned much and wanting them to have psychological and physical safety.

I tell myself that I do my very best to find the most welcoming spaces and support systems I can for DC, and that if I feel like something is off I investigate and keep on it. Same goes for my NT child. I believe that is the best any parent can do under any circumstances.

Thank you so much
-OP

[Anonymous]

OP-
I can totally relate to you. It's just sad. My kid sounds similar to your kid. I just wish I could protect him from the harshness I see around him - the way other kids treat him. Even some teachers- and how he will probably fall through the cracks in MCPS...
When I think about private school, I know that can be very challenging socially too, and many teachers there will resent having to teach DC...
Home is a safe place as is the home of his best friend who lives 45 minutes away.

[Anonymous]

I think both of my kids are quite safe at home, school, extracurricular or camp. My oldest is at public ES & he has asd, adhd, anxiety, apraxia & etc. Because of his SN, I put him out there more in the world. So far, he loves school, teacher, classes, camps and almost everything. He tells me that he is loved, and he spends 10 plus hours daily at school (plus before care/after care). Friendship is the most complicated one, esp. for SN kids, that I think may hurt him. He has complicated relationship with a few boys at school these few years, and he learns to handle it by himself over time. I tell him that he has choice to ignore them, don't play with them, bring the issue to teachers, play with other kids, become say hi/bye only friends, or become friends. One become a friend, and one become not friend but they play peacefully at same team outside of class. He still has no close friends, but he plays with almost everybody now. I hear middle school maybe more harsh on friendship, I am not mentally ready yet.

I am picky about extra curricular or camps, I spend a lot of time on research before signing up for my kids. Safety is number 1, and I don't tolerate bullying. OP, for your name calling issue, if my own kid cannot resolve the conflict by himself (by ignoring them or laugh it off or verbally fight back or tell instructor by himself), I will step in to bring it up to the karate instructor. DH says that I protect him too much, so I learn to step back to see him fail sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or do you always feel like you have to be on high alert because your kid’s school or extracurriculars are going to hurt them?

Our son is 10, an only child, 2E autistic with dysgraphia and apraxia, and I have never felt like his schools or extras are entirely safe places. Teachers don’t implement his 504. The school drags its feet and fights our lawyer to delay the IEP it finally admitted he qualifies for, and it will not staff. Privates he has been in have failed to supervise the kids and he has fallen down stairs and been left behind on field trips.
Kids at karate call him names.

Is it just always like this? Do you ever feel like your kid is safe? If so, where?

Feeling so lost and sad. Is it just always this way?

I totally relate to feeling the world is unsafe for my child. It's a valid feeling and not uncommon in SN parenting. Don't fight it or feel bad about it, but I'd say harness it to the extent you can. One can be blown around by the wind or set sail and use it to go forward. Press all involved to do better, the squeaky wheel gets greased. Escalate to the central office formal procedure regarding IEP, staffing, etc. Pull out of the extracurricular activity with name calling kids and look for another one. A SN child left behind on a school trip is a huge liability, frankly, I would have sued the school and used the money for child's education and activities. Work with your child on self advocacy, at home and via any private services he receives or make it into a service (play therapy, social skills group, part of dyslexia tutoring). It's an unsafe world but you can do things to guide your child and help them adapt to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't safe. You may suffer from anxiety

This comment is so so mean. Yes, OP, I feel the same way as you. Yes, I think it is appropriate when the actual things are happening as you describe.

Look, any of us could also be suffering from anxiety but that does not take away from the legitimate concerns we may have about the safety of our SN child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't safe. You may suffer from anxiety

This comment is so so mean. Yes, OP, I feel the same way as you. Yes, I think it is appropriate when the actual things are happening as you describe.

Look, any of us could also be suffering from anxiety but that does not take away from the legitimate concerns we may have about the safety of our SN child.

I don't think the PP was wrong. I used to feel the same way as OP until finding and working with a great therapist. She really helped me to face the fact that all humans face the types of challenges that my child may face and my child's disabilities don't exempt them from this. And it's not realistic for me to see my role as a parent as being about preventing them from encountering bad things in the world. And now that I've moved past that mindset, everything is so much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't safe. You may suffer from anxiety

This comment is so so mean. Yes, OP, I feel the same way as you. Yes, I think it is appropriate when the actual things are happening as you describe.

Look, any of us could also be suffering from anxiety but that does not take away from the legitimate concerns we may have about the safety of our SN child.

I don't think the PP was wrong. I used to feel the same way as OP until finding and working with a great therapist. She really helped me to face the fact that all humans face the types of challenges that my child may face and my child's disabilities don't exempt them from this. And it's not realistic for me to see my role as a parent as being about preventing them from encountering bad things in the world. And now that I've moved past that mindset, everything is so much easier.

And I say this as a parent of a largely nonverbal child with serious intellectual disabilities and so is particularly vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

My kid with SN has an anaphylactic allergy to nuts.

It's the allergy, not the bullying or SN-related stuff, that made me highly anxious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't safe. You may suffer from anxiety

This comment is so so mean. Yes, OP, I feel the same way as you. Yes, I think it is appropriate when the actual things are happening as you describe.

Look, any of us could also be suffering from anxiety but that does not take away from the legitimate concerns we may have about the safety of our SN child.

I don't think the PP was wrong. I used to feel the same way as OP until finding and working with a great therapist. She really helped me to face the fact that all humans face the types of challenges that my child may face and my child's disabilities don't exempt them from this. And it's not realistic for me to see my role as a parent as being about preventing them from encountering bad things in the world. And now that I've moved past that mindset, everything is so much easier.

+1 million

No one is guaranteed anything. We are Shepards of our children. We don’t create them like a carpenter. Their actions are their responsibility. We hold them accountable and provide a safe base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't safe. You may suffer from anxiety

This comment is so so mean. Yes, OP, I feel the same way as you. Yes, I think it is appropriate when the actual things are happening as you describe.

Look, any of us could also be suffering from anxiety but that does not take away from the legitimate concerns we may have about the safety of our SN child.

I don't think the PP was wrong. I used to feel the same way as OP until finding and working with a great therapist. She really helped me to face the fact that all humans face the types of challenges that my child may face and my child's disabilities don't exempt them from this. And it's not realistic for me to see my role as a parent as being about preventing them from encountering bad things in the world. And now that I've moved past that mindset, everything is so much easier.

And I say this as a parent of a largely nonverbal child with serious intellectual disabilities and so is particularly vulnerable.

Ok but I think it is fair to have particular concerns in light of how poorly so many institutions (schools, etc) act with respect to meeting the needs of our children. Yes, other children can be at risk because schools, etc are incompetent but special needs children face elevated risk.

Such concerns are fair and appropriate and not just the result of an anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't safe. You may suffer from anxiety

This comment is so so mean. Yes, OP, I feel the same way as you. Yes, I think it is appropriate when the actual things are happening as you describe.

Look, any of us could also be suffering from anxiety but that does not take away from the legitimate concerns we may have about the safety of our SN child.

I don't think the PP was wrong. I used to feel the same way as OP until finding and working with a great therapist. She really helped me to face the fact that all humans face the types of challenges that my child may face and my child's disabilities don't exempt them from this. And it's not realistic for me to see my role as a parent as being about preventing them from encountering bad things in the world. And now that I've moved past that mindset, everything is so much easier.

And I say this as a parent of a largely nonverbal child with serious intellectual disabilities and so is particularly vulnerable.

Ok but I think it is fair to have particular concerns in light of how poorly so many institutions (schools, etc) act with respect to meeting the needs of our children. Yes, other children can be at risk because schools, etc are incompetent but special needs children face elevated risk.

Such concerns are fair and appropriate and not just the result of an anxiety disorder.

NP. Agree that you can have anxiety AND reasonable concerns about your SN child's safety.

OP, when my child was young there were a few places I felt he was safe. One was a fantastic preschool. They just got it. I still remember one day I left him there and he was sobbing as a teacher put him in her lap and another child fetched his favorite book. I *smiled* as I walked to my car because I knew they could handle it and me leaving him and allowing them to help him through his upset about the transition was the best thing for him. But before that preschool was the terrible preschool with the lazy, idiotic director and the teachers who ignored my kid for hours at a time (I know because I hired a consultant to observe and they even did it when she was there). Nothing irreversible happened while he was there but I got him out ASAP because the level of risk was too high.

Now my kid is a teen. Balancing safety with opportunity to mature and learn new things has been the biggest challenge of parenting him. He has an older NT brother so I know you have to do this for NT kids as well, but the world is set up for NT people, and my NT kid has more skills, so every decision feels less fraught. I don't see a therapist regularly but I have checked in with professionals around major life decisions to make sure they don't think I'm crazy. For example, I decided to homeschool starting in middle school mostly for "safety" and two different psychologists said that is what they would recommend if our family could swing it financially. But we also talked about other ways my kid could have experiences with peers/others outside the home. Usually for new stuff I'm nervous when it starts, but after a few times it feels "safe enough". Sometimes activities are "safe" but he ends up just not liking or benefiting from them much, so we let go of them to have more time for new things.

Anyway. I think I understand what you mean and it's a very reasonable question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't safe. You may suffer from anxiety

This comment is so so mean. Yes, OP, I feel the same way as you. Yes, I think it is appropriate when the actual things are happening as you describe.

Look, any of us could also be suffering from anxiety but that does not take away from the legitimate concerns we may have about the safety of our SN child.

I don't think the PP was wrong. I used to feel the same way as OP until finding and working with a great therapist. She really helped me to face the fact that all humans face the types of challenges that my child may face and my child's disabilities don't exempt them from this. And it's not realistic for me to see my role as a parent as being about preventing them from encountering bad things in the world. And now that I've moved past that mindset, everything is so much easier.

And I say this as a parent of a largely nonverbal child with serious intellectual disabilities and so is particularly vulnerable.

Ok but I think it is fair to have particular concerns in light of how poorly so many institutions (schools, etc) act with respect to meeting the needs of our children. Yes, other children can be at risk because schools, etc are incompetent but special needs children face elevated risk.

Such concerns are fair and appropriate and not just the result of an anxiety disorder.

I think there's a difference between having the fear or worry based on things that are actually happening versus having the fear or worry in anticipation of issues that might happen down the road. I personally was catastrophizing situations that were years away (like worrying about my three year old getting bullied in middle school). This two part series on the Oologies podcast about real fear versus fictional fear was really helpful for me in understanding the distinction, and letting go of amorphous fictional fears.

https://www.alieward.com/ologies/fearology-pt-1
https://www.alieward.com/ologies/fearology-pt-2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life isn't safe. You may suffer from anxiety

This comment is so so mean. Yes, OP, I feel the same way as you. Yes, I think it is appropriate when the actual things are happening as you describe.

Look, any of us could also be suffering from anxiety but that does not take away from the legitimate concerns we may have about the safety of our SN child.

I don't think the PP was wrong. I used to feel the same way as OP until finding and working with a great therapist. She really helped me to face the fact that all humans face the types of challenges that my child may face and my child's disabilities don't exempt them from this. And it's not realistic for me to see my role as a parent as being about preventing them from encountering bad things in the world. And now that I've moved past that mindset, everything is so much easier.

And I say this as a parent of a largely nonverbal child with serious intellectual disabilities and so is particularly vulnerable.

Ok but I think it is fair to have particular concerns in light of how poorly so many institutions (schools, etc) act with respect to meeting the needs of our children. Yes, other children can be at risk because schools, etc are incompetent but special needs children face elevated risk.

Such concerns are fair and appropriate and not just the result of an anxiety disorder.

Thank you so much; I love you for this. I had stopped reading the replies earlier in the week because they were too painful. I’m just seeing yours and the few others who understand, and it means so much. Thank you.
-OP