Ex-Boyfriend wants to get back together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Insist that he explain how he came to this opposite conclusion. Was losing you what made him change his mind? That might be good for your ego but embarking upon parenting with someone he doesn't want it is a recipe for unhappiness.

Not sure if you missed this lesson in grade school, but “not sure” and “do not want” are not opposites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-boyfriend and I broke up after 1.5 years together 3 months ago. We had a really good relationship and life seemed perfect, but I ended the relationship after he voiced that he wasn’t sure he wanted kids anymore. We had multiple discussions and I decided that it was best to end it instead of investing more time in a relationship if we didn’t align on major issues. I want kids and I didn’t want resentment to build on either side. Kids are a 100% all in commitment.

Recently my ex came to me and wants to reconcile. He does want kids and wants to be back together and to resume our plans to marry and have a family. I love him and thought I would spend the rest of my life with him, but I’m so hesitant because I’m afraid he might change his mind again. It’s much easier to break off a relationship than a marriage.

I love him and want to be back with him, but I can’t get over my fear of his mind changing. It’s been so incredibly difficult to move on from him, and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

DON’T DO IT.

You know full well he’s giving in on kids not because he wants them, but because he wants you. The problem with that is that even the most gung ho parent in the world who has wanted to be a parent all their life will still find many aspects of parenting to be frustrating and really tough. Someone who became a parent only on the pain of losing his relationship will have MAJOR recriminations when he’s in his eighth month of little sleep. The odds of him resenting his kids are high, but the odds of him resenting you are 100%. It’ll be even harder because that’s when you’ll need him most to be in the trenches with you are very, very high. Remember that men aren’t bathed in nine months worth of bonding hormones. Reluctant dads can be cold blooded as hell.

Anyway, you’re going into this with your eyes open. You know he didn’t change his mind in three months. He’s capitulating and that’s a recipe for disaster where a decision as life changing and permanent as kids is concerned. Don’t make this kind of bed for you and your future kids.

This is good advice. One of my biggest regrets as a woman is that I let relationships go on far too long that were not going anywhere. I now believe that at least by the 1 year point if the man is not talking about having kids, getting engaged etc it is time to move on. I let too many relationships drift for years and they went nowhere.

I suspect he got out in the dating pool and realized you were a pretty good catch. At 33 years old, there are a lot of single women with kids and divorced women with kids looking for men. He probably figured belatedly if he got back with you at least he would be raising his own kids and not raising someone else's kids.

I'm not a big believer in "take backs." Certainly in the workforce it almost never works.

I'd recommend a couple of professional counseling sessions for you.

If you decide to see him again I'd tell him you are not jumping back into a relationship with him. Tell him you are dating other men casually and tell him if he asks you out and you are available then you will see how it goes.

That said, my niece ended up marrying her former boyfriend after they broke up.

[Anonymous]

He had 15 months to put a ring on it. You gave him 15 months of your life. You gave him the chance to talk about having children numerous times.

Men know if they want to make a life long commitment with a woman.

[Anonymous]

Is he ready to get engaged and set a wedding date?

Is he ready to stop birth control after the wedding and start trying for a kid?

[Anonymous]

If he is sure he wants kids and you love each other, yes I would do it.

If you’re hesitating, ask yourself why. Do you think he’s lying? What is your instinct- is he saying this just to get back together? Would he be an impatient or resentful parent?

Life is short. You don’t want to look back in ten years and have this person be the one who got away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Insist that he explain how he came to this opposite conclusion. Was losing you what made him change his mind? That might be good for your ego but embarking upon parenting with someone he doesn't want it is a recipe for unhappiness.

OP here. He’s 33. He’s always wanted kids up until about 3 months before we split up. One of our friends split up after having a child and the other couple we know is constantly fighting after having a child. His brother recently had his first child and the baby is very difficult. My SIL has some PPD issues and I think all of this has made him concerned about having kids.

You think or you know? Has he used his words and explained the introspection your describe or are you trying to concoct a story that will enable you to take him back in good conscience?

OP here. I know. He has stated these relationships breaking down explicitly as why he became hesitant. He never said he didn’t want kids - he said he was unsure we should have kids. He could never fully tell me why and I broke it off. He said it took time in therapy to realize that he is just scared that we will end up like so many other couples and our friends.

This was his reaction as a 30 something year old? Yeah this would be acceptable at 23 or 25. Do not take him back OP.

If you do, do it with the understanding that he will likely back out of kids again only this time you will be 3 to 5 years older and married.

And should you have kids he will be a resentful father.

[Anonymous]

I think you should take him at his word and get back together with him. I didn't think I wanted kids at 29, and overnight I changed my mind and decided I wanted them. I'm 50 with two kids and obviously love them and have no regrets. I think it's just maturity. It's hard to imagine the life change that occurs once you have kids. I think that if you love him, you should trust him and believe him.