SAHM: how much does spouse have to earn to make it work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH makes 800k now and I still work. I’ve told myself that once he makes 1mm, I’m out of here. We have a lot of expenses (private school, travel, mortgage).

FWIW I quit when DH was around there and I was surprised by how many expenses (especially convenience taxes) evaporated when I was home to mind the budget. It didn't burn nearly as much as you'd think... and I was making $300k so nothing to sneeze at.

Wow I make what you made. I keep working so our HHI stays above a million. Do you have examples of things you saved? Im not sure I want to be a SAHm if it means having to be frugal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enough to pay your specific bills is a factor. Job stability is also a factor. Retirement savings is also a factor.

I personally think it's not a good reason to quit just to avoid it being a bit awkward at work (in your words, "I feel bad at my job… and I can’t take this feeling."). You're essentially firing yourself because you can't take the hit to your pride/ego.

I had my firstborn in professional school. I had plenty of awkward moments and people questioning if a mom could even do the job, especially in those "grind" years. But I swallowed my pride and prioritized our financial health over my feelings.

In other words, if quitting is in the best interest of your kid and family, go for it. But if it's just your identity as a high achiever? Get over yourself.

Totally agree with everything here. Also the first year with your first is really hard and being a working mom in general is hard but you are not incompetent or lazy - you are going through a lot of transitions and you can likely manage through them. I have three kids and zero family help but a great nanny. My husband and I both work full time and I am so glad I didn’t quit after my first. From a salary standpoint I went from $94K when I had my first in 2019 to $285K when I had my third in 2023. And I just turned 36 — I have a lot of time left in my career. If I quit those gains in my earnings would be unrealized forever not to mention the years of missed 401K contributions.

There is also the satisfaction that I get from work that makes me a happy person and better parent. I often feel like I’m dropping the ball in my home life and at work but that is pretty universal. There are plenty of SAHMs in my kids’ PK and preschool classes that forget things or mess up. Everything won’t magically get easier as a SAHM. And most people at work have things that come up in their personal lives that will interfere with work. Unless you’re a surgeon or in the c suite people will cut you slack if you need to lean out as you go through big transitions. Just be communicative and self aware.

To answer your q- I wouldn’t consider being a SAHM unless my husband made over a million (current HHI is around $800K, so he would need to double his salary). And even then I’m not sure I would want to do it. I would probably just outsource more.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband missing work to care for the baby too? Are you using backup care options? This shouldn’t all fall on you.

[Anonymous]

For us it was $115K but its all about lifestyle choices.

[Anonymous]

We started at $140k in 2008 and 15 years later we are at $350k. Mortgage is $3500. No other debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH makes 800k now and I still work. I’ve told myself that once he makes 1mm, I’m out of here. We have a lot of expenses (private school, travel, mortgage).

FWIW I quit when DH was around there and I was surprised by how many expenses (especially convenience taxes) evaporated when I was home to mind the budget. It didn't burn nearly as much as you'd think... and I was making $300k so nothing to sneeze at.

Wow I make what you made. I keep working so our HHI stays above a million. Do you have examples of things you saved? Im not sure I want to be a SAHm if it means having to be frugal

One example was takeout vs home cooking. It’s especially expensive to get “healthy” takeout with plenty of vegetables that both kids and adults will eat. Putting an end to last minute travel due to inability to align schedules sooner/deal with the bookings. Also being able to move some travel to cheaper windows thanks to my schedule flexibility. Childcare costs. No longer paying marriage penalty (we still were even under Trump tax plan).

And then just vaguely what I call convenience costs. It’s hard to categorize, but also just so many last minute purchases like “I will pay any price for a Bluey birthday cake by tomorrow.” Or rush fees on dry cleaning. We were throwing money at a lot of problems without really getting a QOL improvement on it.

Now obviously I’m not saying it was a budget-neutral move. But it absolutely was much less of a change than I would have thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband missing work to care for the baby too? Are you using backup care options? This shouldn’t all fall on you.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enough to pay your specific bills is a factor. Job stability is also a factor. Retirement savings is also a factor.

I personally think it's not a good reason to quit just to avoid it being a bit awkward at work (in your words, "I feel bad at my job… and I can’t take this feeling."). You're essentially firing yourself because you can't take the hit to your pride/ego.

I had my firstborn in professional school. I had plenty of awkward moments and people questioning if a mom could even do the job, especially in those "grind" years. But I swallowed my pride and prioritized our financial health over my feelings.

In other words, if quitting is in the best interest of your kid and family, go for it. But if it's just your identity as a high achiever? Get over yourself.

This! And remember kids get more expensive as they get older, not less. You will never get that retirement savings back. The years lost not working are lost. Life can change and you are changing the power dynamic in your house. Your husband will view you as less than and you are vulnerable to infidelity. If you have kids are setting a specific example for them. Now, if you're OK with all that, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH makes 800k now and I still work. I’ve told myself that once he makes 1mm, I’m out of here. We have a lot of expenses (private school, travel, mortgage).

FWIW I quit when DH was around there and I was surprised by how many expenses (especially convenience taxes) evaporated when I was home to mind the budget. It didn't burn nearly as much as you'd think... and I was making $300k so nothing to sneeze at.

Wow I make what you made. I keep working so our HHI stays above a million. Do you have examples of things you saved? Im not sure I want to be a SAHm if it means having to be frugal

One example was takeout vs home cooking. It’s especially expensive to get “healthy” takeout with plenty of vegetables that both kids and adults will eat. Putting an end to last minute travel due to inability to align schedules sooner/deal with the bookings. Also being able to move some travel to cheaper windows thanks to my schedule flexibility. Childcare costs. No longer paying marriage penalty (we still were even under Trump tax plan).

And then just vaguely what I call convenience costs. It’s hard to categorize, but also just so many last minute purchases like “I will pay any price for a Bluey birthday cake by tomorrow.” Or rush fees on dry cleaning. We were throwing money at a lot of problems without really getting a QOL improvement on it.

Now obviously I’m not saying it was a budget-neutral move. But it absolutely was much less of a change than I would have thought.

We don't make a million but have a high HHI and still pay a lot of "convenience taxes", I call them that too. I actually got a WFH job in the same company and noticed the same shift. I can travel whenever, we cook at home a lot (healthier), and I don't don't do things I used to - like sushi lunches 3 days a week or 3x starbucks a day. I also have time to volunteer at my kids' schools, listen to talks, get more exercise, and go ot with friends. All with no income deficit or 401k dent. I'm out of the baby/toddler years though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH makes 800k now and I still work. I’ve told myself that once he makes 1mm, I’m out of here. We have a lot of expenses (private school, travel, mortgage).

FWIW I quit when DH was around there and I was surprised by how many expenses (especially convenience taxes) evaporated when I was home to mind the budget. It didn't burn nearly as much as you'd think... and I was making $300k so nothing to sneeze at.

Wow I make what you made. I keep working so our HHI stays above a million. Do you have examples of things you saved? Im not sure I want to be a SAHm if it means having to be frugal

Agree with this, on a mere $800K you're really going to struggle so I wouldn't quit with an HHI that low. And honestly I would also ask why your DH is so lazy and isn't motivated to provide for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For us it came down to this formula:

my income-daycare=not enough to make a major difference in our lifestyle

This was it for me. Plus I had a job that I knew I could go back to.

[Anonymous]

I doesn’t matter what other people do. Can you cover your expenses on one income? Are luxuries important to you? There is nothing wrong with wanting to be home with your kids.

I started staying home at around $130k HHI, 13 years later we’re at $200k. It’s not like there was an option to wait around until DH made $500k.
I still only work part time. I cook, we don’t really go out, kids are in rec sports. We used to travel internationally when you could still get deals.

I couldn’t deal with being the default parent, housekeeper, and gardener on top of working full time. We had/have no help. My babies didn’t sleep well for years, I was exhausted even with not working out of the house, but I was a zombie when still working.

Only you can know what trade offs are worth it to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH makes 800k now and I still work. I’ve told myself that once he makes 1mm, I’m out of here. We have a lot of expenses (private school, travel, mortgage).

FWIW I quit when DH was around there and I was surprised by how many expenses (especially convenience taxes) evaporated when I was home to mind the budget. It didn't burn nearly as much as you'd think... and I was making $300k so nothing to sneeze at.

Wow I make what you made. I keep working so our HHI stays above a million. Do you have examples of things you saved? Im not sure I want to be a SAHm if it means having to be frugal

Agree with this, on a mere $800K you're really going to struggle so I wouldn't quit with an HHI that low. And honestly I would also ask why your DH is so lazy and isn't motivated to provide for the family.

You might qualify for subsidized housing on that low of an income. I really don’t know how you can survive on $800k. It’s only more than 99.9% of Americans make.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t want to SAH on $800k HHI, you don’t want to SAH. Period. It’s ok, but own it.

[Anonymous]

My wife quit working for about a decade to deal with the health of a child. In my experience $85k is not enough, although you can qualify for Medicaid in Maryland, which is nice.