Anyone's kid doing nothing to prep for college move?

[Anonymous]

WTH?! can’t imagine being afraid to ask my DS the date he’s supposed to move in to his dorm. Makes me wonder if he’s even ready for college if he can’t be an adult and provide his parents with necessary information. That would not fly in my house at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine rebukes any conversation/offer about getting stuff for the year or the dorm - they leave in a week. Hasn't even let us know about move in window (which we know from school has been assigned but we didn't ask based on other reactions).

Needs essentially everything. I bought sheets but otherwise staying out of it - should be interesting!

I would be really worried. He could just be taking a minimalist approach to packing, which is very smart, or he could have a little mild separation anxiety, but he could also be seriously depressed or just not want to go to college.

Chances are you can still get the tuition money back.

If you have a lot of money, let nature take its course.

If you’re not rich, find the school’s full, partial and medical withdrawal deadlines. I’d tell your son that it’s fine if he takes a minimalist approach to packing, but that college is too expensive for you to gamble on whether he’s going to try to do well in college.

Ask him whether he actually wants to go to college.

If not, talk to him about his plans for doing something else. Tell him about whatever limits there will be on your support.

If he does want to go, ask him for some sign you can use before the various refund deadlines to know that he’s reasonably on track and that it’s worth letting the college keep the tuition money. But be practical. If he tries engineering and can’t cut it, make it clear that you’ll pay for him to major in something he can handle, and that he should use jobs and activities to prepare for work, rather than his major. And, if possible, try to get him into a telecounseling program. See if there’s a way to pay a tutor to support him, help him stay organized and talk to you if something is seriously wrong.

If he just isn’t responsive or isn’t realistic when he responds, tell him that you’re going to proceed as if he has serious health problems and try to arrange for a health-related enrollment referral.

In that case, start by taking him to the doctor for a really good checkup, and look for things like thyroid problems, long COVID and major depression, then ask professionals for their advice.

Holy overkill, Batman.

Op, my son is the same as yours. Most friends with older kids (sons) have said the same. I did say to my son, if you want me to buy any of your dorm stuff, we can go shopping day A or B, otherwise you can go on your own. I did also require to know move in date, because we needed to book a hotel room. Last, I pointed DS to online college dorm packing list, so he can see there is more to think about than he realizes (I don’t know if he has looked at it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been decades since I went to college and a few years before we send our kids, but what purchases does a student really need beyond a week's worth of clothes, sheets and a towel, and a computer? You can buy pens and toothpaste and shampoo when you get there. Everything else is optional.

There is more, most optional, but some items make your time in the dorm more pleasant, like, a fan. And a shower caddy to carry your stuff to the bathroom. And a pillow. And an inexpensive mattress topper (we called them eggshells) so you aren’t just sleeping on a 2” plastic mattress. My kids and I both are not into “extras” and I was surprised at how much we packed/bought for our older when he went to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been decades since I went to college and a few years before we send our kids, but what purchases does a student really need beyond a week's worth of clothes, sheets and a towel, and a computer? You can buy pens and toothpaste and shampoo when you get there. Everything else is optional.

There is more, most optional, but some items make your time in the dorm more pleasant, like, a fan. And a shower caddy to carry your stuff to the bathroom. And a pillow. And an inexpensive mattress topper (we called them eggshells) so you aren’t just sleeping on a 2” plastic mattress. My kids and I both are not into “extras” and I was surprised at how much we packed/bought for our older when he went to college.

All available on Amazon if he really he wants those things when he gets there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been decades since I went to college and a few years before we send our kids, but what purchases does a student really need beyond a week's worth of clothes, sheets and a towel, and a computer? You can buy pens and toothpaste and shampoo when you get there. Everything else is optional.

There is more, most optional, but some items make your time in the dorm more pleasant, like, a fan. And a shower caddy to carry your stuff to the bathroom. And a pillow. And an inexpensive mattress topper (we called them eggshells) so you aren’t just sleeping on a 2” plastic mattress. My kids and I both are not into “extras” and I was surprised at how much we packed/bought for our older when he went to college.

All available on Amazon if he really he wants those things when he gets there.

But why wouldn’t you get them before? Seriously: sheets, pillows, laundry detergent, shower caddy, toiletries — all really important from day 1. Not something you wait and order a few weeks in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been decades since I went to college and a few years before we send our kids, but what purchases does a student really need beyond a week's worth of clothes, sheets and a towel, and a computer? You can buy pens and toothpaste and shampoo when you get there. Everything else is optional.

There is more, most optional, but some items make your time in the dorm more pleasant, like, a fan. And a shower caddy to carry your stuff to the bathroom. And a pillow. And an inexpensive mattress topper (we called them eggshells) so you aren’t just sleeping on a 2” plastic mattress. My kids and I both are not into “extras” and I was surprised at how much we packed/bought for our older when he went to college.

All available on Amazon if he really he wants those things when he gets there.

But why wouldn’t you get them before? Seriously: sheets, pillows, laundry detergent, shower caddy, toiletries — all really important from day 1. Not something you wait and order a few weeks in.

Mom bought the bedding, which is how I worked it with DS last year. Not sure he ever used the shower caddy, I bought that, too. We also went to target on move in day, bought: hangers, power strip, trash liners, detergent. Went to a grocery store before we left town. The rest was on him to pack, and it seemed to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been decades since I went to college and a few years before we send our kids, but what purchases does a student really need beyond a week's worth of clothes, sheets and a towel, and a computer? You can buy pens and toothpaste and shampoo when you get there. Everything else is optional.

There is more, most optional, but some items make your time in the dorm more pleasant, like, a fan. And a shower caddy to carry your stuff to the bathroom. And a pillow. And an inexpensive mattress topper (we called them eggshells) so you aren’t just sleeping on a 2” plastic mattress. My kids and I both are not into “extras” and I was surprised at how much we packed/bought for our older when he went to college.

All available on Amazon if he really he wants those things when he gets there.

But why wouldn’t you get them before? Seriously: sheets, pillows, laundry detergent, shower caddy, toiletries — all really important from day 1. Not something you wait and order a few weeks in.

What's "really important" to you and to a teenager is obviously going to be different. If he wants to sleep on a bare mattress with no pillow and carry his stuff to the bathroom in a plastic grocery bag, who is it harming? And most colleges have stores nearby where soap and detergent are available for purchase.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was similar last year so it isn’t just sons. I remember when their roommate had a bunch of decorations etc to put up and their mom said “it will be really homey they get all their stuff up” I thought to myself you see gang that one command hook that IS the decorations for my kid.

Anyway I got a list of the typical things and gave a date/deadline for my kid to get me their request else they were on their own if they decided they wanted it. I got to that tipping point where I wasn’t going to nag anymore - if they don’t care about it, I’m going to move forward that they either they don’t want it or would rather get it on their own schedule/time - which is fine as long those last minute emergency/impacts fall on them to figure out and not me.

[Anonymous]

Ufff..My son as like this, but he was going 30 minutes away to UMD so there was very little prep from him. I packed his stuff.

The only coordination with his roommate was for colors of bedsheets and comforter. I bought him the highest rated topper and mattress protector from Amazon , sheets were from kohls and target, and pillows from costco.

[Anonymous]

My son with ADHD/ASD planned everything academic (several alternate schedules for registration, taking into account walking to classes, different buildings, proximity to lunch place, nice balance of courses), and nothing else. So we dragged him to Ikea and got him stuff and now it's sitting there and he hasn't even realized he needs to wash his sheets.

So I will do that for him. This son of mine will always be behind on planning for the things that do not interest him. His ADHD brain will mature in the next 10 years. Now he still needs our help. Thank goodness he's receiving support at his university.

[Anonymous]

Eh. I think it's hard for some kids to imagine what it will actually be like when they get there, especially if they've never been away from home for any length of time. I have no problem setting my kid up with the minimum (bedding, toiletries, a few basic school supplies, maybe a fridge/microwave) and then letting him figure out the rest. I ordered a few things, showed it to my son and said "You can either take this or return it and buy something yourself." He is taking everything. I figure by next year he'll have a frame of reference and be able to do it himself.

[Anonymous]

My sons would have taken the sheets off their home beds I didn’t purchase them the single XL sheets. Also, won’t your son simply take extra toiletries from your house? Amazon didn’t exist when my sons started college and going to Target on move in day can be a shi# show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine rebukes any conversation/offer about getting stuff for the year or the dorm - they leave in a week. Hasn't even let us know about move in window (which we know from school has been assigned but we didn't ask based on other reactions).

Needs essentially everything. I bought sheets but otherwise staying out of it - should be interesting!

I would be really worried. He could just be taking a minimalist approach to packing, which is very smart, or he could have a little mild separation anxiety, but he could also be seriously depressed or just not want to go to college.

Chances are you can still get the tuition money back.

If you have a lot of money, let nature take its course.

If you’re not rich, find the school’s full, partial and medical withdrawal deadlines. I’d tell your son that it’s fine if he takes a minimalist approach to packing, but that college is too expensive for you to gamble on whether he’s going to try to do well in college.

Ask him whether he actually wants to go to college.

If not, talk to him about his plans for doing something else. Tell him about whatever limits there will be on your support.

If he does want to go, ask him for some sign you can use before the various refund deadlines to know that he’s reasonably on track and that it’s worth letting the college keep the tuition money. But be practical. If he tries engineering and can’t cut it, make it clear that you’ll pay for him to major in something he can handle, and that he should use jobs and activities to prepare for work, rather than his major. And, if possible, try to get him into a telecounseling program. See if there’s a way to pay a tutor to support him, help him stay organized and talk to you if something is seriously wrong.

If he just isn’t responsive or isn’t realistic when he responds, tell him that you’re going to proceed as if he has serious health problems and try to arrange for a health-related enrollment referral.

In that case, start by taking him to the doctor for a really good checkup, and look for things like thyroid problems, long COVID and major depression, then ask professionals for their advice.

OP here - thanks for your concern - I get where you are coming from and appreciate your thoughts. But DS absolutely wants to go to college.

[Anonymous]

My DS is similar - I think it's just his way of dealing with being nervous about it. We ordered a few necessities and will get the rest at a local target or we can send via amazon. It's going to be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTH?! can’t imagine being afraid to ask my DS the date he’s supposed to move in to his dorm. Makes me wonder if he’s even ready for college if he can’t be an adult and provide his parents with necessary information. That would not fly in my house at all.

NP. Had to remind son that "mommy and daddy" would no longer be cc:d on most correspondence going forward. Handle it yourself or let us know if you need something. The summer the kid finally used an ATM and picked up medicine from CVS...progress!