family with different last names: how to address an envelope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about a case where the wife hyphenated the two last names, and the husband and kids have his last name. So she's Matlin-Carville and they're Carville. OK then to say Carville family? Or Matlin/Carville family?

OP here. This is actually MY situation. I expect people to address everything "Jon and Jane Doe" and am not offended but I am always pleased when it is addressed with my hyphenated name ("Jon Doe and Jane Jones-Doe") - it just shows a little extra consideration.

[Anonymous]

I like it when people address things to us Smith/Jones. It's not that I'm offended if they take it upon themselves to change my name and refer to us as the Joneses, it's that it makes me feel that they don't know me very well if they don't even know my last name.

[Anonymous]

"my panties aren't in a bunch, and I don't flip out. That said, my name has never been Mary Smith, and anybody who knows my family knows this. The choice to address things to the "Smiths" reflects the bible-belt mentality of relatives who can't get over the fact that my husband "allowed" me to keep my "maiden" name. "

This is me. I get pissed off because I know they do it on purpose, because I'm not a "real" member of the family because I didn't change my name. I don't get pissed when someone who doesn't know us well, or who is elderly, does it.

[Anonymous]

I also prefer the Smith-Jones Family. I think this works even if the wife has hyphenated her name.

I have a very odd situation with regards to this. My mom is a retired professor of women's studies, one of the original academic feminists, etc. For some bizarre reason, she often (not always) will address things to us as "John and Jean Smith". I can't figure this out????

[Anonymous]

my panties aren't in a bunch, and I don't flip out. That said, my name has never been Mary Smith, and anybody who knows my family knows this. The choice to address things to the "Smiths" reflects the bible-belt mentality of relatives who can't get over the fact that my husband "allowed" me to keep my "maiden" name. "

This is me. I get pissed off because I know they do it on purpose, because I'm not a "real" member of the family because I didn't change my name. I don't get pissed when someone who doesn't know us well, or who is elderly, does it.

Me, too. I make the same mental distinction between my 96 yr old great grandmother using "The Carvilles" vs. some others. She also uses the word "Colored" and although that is wrong on so many levels, we don't re-educate her.

My panties aren't bunched -- but they are sweaty this month. WTH. Hottest June on record.

[Anonymous]

The Smith-Jones Family

It's really very simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might be incorrect, but I do "The Smith Family"

It is incorrect, and both dismissive and disrespectful of the person whose name is not Smith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Smith-Jones Family

It's really very simple.

Except that no one in the family actually has the name "Smith-Jones." I like Smith/Jones, this makes the most sense to me.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you asked your sister what she prefers? Would she be offended if you asked?

[Anonymous]

When in doubt, go with accuracy:

The Carville/Matlin-Carville family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't change my name. It always bugs me when people write "The Smith Family", completely ignoring the fact that I kept my name, as women in my culture always do. What I write, and what I think is the most polite, is "The Smith/Jones Family" i.e. just put a slash between our two names. I didn't hyphenate my name or anything like that, and this acknowledges that we are a family with two different last names.

Oh yes, because we all need to keep up to date of current traditions in your culture. Should we memorize the traditions of all 190 countries on this planet and all their varying sub cultures?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've done "The Jones/Smith Family". I think how any of these methods are received depends on the family - you know your sister best and if she's going to be upset about it, then you just have to keep listing it the long way. But you probably knew that before you asked.

This is how I do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't change my name. It always bugs me when people write "The Smith Family", completely ignoring the fact that I kept my name, as women in my culture always do. What I write, and what I think is the most polite, is "The Smith/Jones Family" i.e. just put a slash between our two names. I didn't hyphenate my name or anything like that, and this acknowledges that we are a family with two different last names.

Oh yes, because we all need to keep up to date of current traditions in your culture. Should we memorize the traditions of all 190 countries on this planet and all their varying sub cultures?

I don't think anybody's asking you to do that. But if you were sending her an invitation, one would imagine you know her last name. To intentionally omit it ("The Smith Family") is pretty unkind.

[Anonymous]

so if neither spouse hyphenated their name is "The Smith-Jones Family" still OK? or is the slash better?

I've always hyphenated, but it sounds like I should switch to a slash...

I'm just about to send out some cards...so this is perfect timing!

[Anonymous]

I use Smith/Jones Family, but see nothing wrong with Smith-Jones Family either.

I kept my name but take no offense to being called the Smith Family. It made sense to keep my name for professional reasons, but I'm not that invested in it, and I don't register any slight when people don't use it.