Grandparents want to be invited to everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

[b]Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. [i]I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

This makes me think you want a quid pro quo relationship.

Oh yeah, it's so unreasonable for OP to question why grandparents want to come to every last event but can't offer to babysit for an hour every couple months to give her some breathing room. Why should the grandparents get a relationship only on their terms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe people who whine about having grandparents that WANT to attend child events. That’s way different than babysitting for you and they shouldn’t have to provide free childcare in order to be invited to things. You are being selfish. How does it hurt you in any way to invite them to your kid’s activities if they want to come??

It doesn't hurt us, it's just that they expect to be catered to. They need the best seats. They loudly yawn (dad) or whisper gossipy questions about other parents and kids(mom.) They want us to talk only to them. If another parent so much as waves hello, they expect a formal introduction and get huffy if I don't say "Annie you MUST meet my mother!" as if she were a celebrity. At one event (boy scouts) there was pizza for the boys only and my WEALTHY parents were loudly complaining that they hadn't eaten lunch because they expected to get free pizza. If you have quiet unobtrusive parents I suppose it would be easy to bring them.

[Anonymous]

My parents are local and my in-laws are a 5yr drive. We schedule in-laws visits to coincide with school or sports events.

We see my parents weekly, but scheduled around those events. I live for sports seasons because my parents come to the games and I don’t have to plan any additional activities with them. If my kids have a school play or something mid-week, that “counts” as our activity with them and I don’t schedule additional things. They typically come over for lunch or stay for dinner depending on the game schedules - two kids, different sports.

Because my parents are local and come to so many things, my friends know them and talk to them. I don’t feel like I’m babysitting my parents or that their presence takes away my ability to socialize with other parents. The kids enjoy having them around, so we include them as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP let them be mad. Let go f trying to appease and please nasty, old , pushy people.

Your response…we don’t plan on making school activities larger extended family events.

Wow, grandparents wanting to come to a school event makes them "nasty, old, pushy people"? Clearly this struck a nerve with you but it's not really appropriate to transfer your own dysfunctional relationship with grandparents to every situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

You explained your situation, and that you were desperate. And they flat-out said no? With no valid reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe people who whine about having grandparents that WANT to attend child events. That’s way different than babysitting for you and they shouldn’t have to provide free childcare in order to be invited to things. You are being selfish. How does it hurt you in any way to invite them to your kid’s activities if they want to come??

It doesn't hurt us, it's just that they expect to be catered to. They need the best seats. They loudly yawn (dad) or whisper gossipy questions about other parents and kids(mom.) They want us to talk only to them. If another parent so much as waves hello, they expect a formal introduction and get huffy if I don't say "Annie you MUST meet my mother!" as if she were a celebrity. At one event (boy scouts) there was pizza for the boys only and my WEALTHY parents were loudly complaining that they hadn't eaten lunch because they expected to get free pizza. If you have quiet unobtrusive parents I suppose it would be easy to bring them.

That’s the worst and I feel you OP. I commented that I don’t have to babysit my parents, but that wasn’t always the case. We have worked to get to this point. Here’s what I suggest.
Set expectations in advance - “please eat lunch, the food is only for the kids” “please arrive early if you want to get seats where you can see. Don’t worry about us, we’ll get our seats when we get there.”
Don’t sit next to your mom so she can’t whisper to you. My MIL does this and because she’s 73, it’s louder than she thinks. Real comments about kindergarteners from my MIL - “Does that boy has special needs? Oh really? He looks it” “such a shame that young girl is so chubby, but look at her mom, it’s not her fault”
Join a committee, sign up for a job. I am the timer at soccer games. I sell tickets at the school fun fair. I cannot babysit if I am busy and my old school parents wouldn’t dream of bothering my husband.
Look for and get to know the other ever present grandmas at your school and find a way to introduce your mom. The old ladies will seek each other out over time.
And finally just bring them to more things - like a lot more. And drop the rope and stop pretending like their presence is a special visit from a guest who traveled several hours by plane for an annual visit. If they want to go to everything, they get to be part of your every day suburban life. That means sometimes they drive alone because we have to carpool other kids. That means sometimes grandma is in the car when we swing by to pick up curbside groceries on the way home. When they are around all the time, the pressure to make each event special is less. They get to know people and start to talk to people on their own.

And lastly. Deep breath. Your parents are not a reflection of you. You are not a teenager.
They cannot embarrass you. They can only embarrass themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe people who whine about having grandparents that WANT to attend child events. That’s way different than babysitting for you and they shouldn’t have to provide free childcare in order to be invited to things. You are being selfish. How does it hurt you in any way to invite them to your kid’s activities if they want to come??

It doesn't hurt us, it's just that they expect to be catered to. They need the best seats. They loudly yawn (dad) or whisper gossipy questions about other parents and kids(mom.) They want us to talk only to them. If another parent so much as waves hello, they expect a formal introduction and get huffy if I don't say "Annie you MUST meet my mother!" as if she were a celebrity. At one event (boy scouts) there was pizza for the boys only and my WEALTHY parents were loudly complaining that they hadn't eaten lunch because they expected to get free pizza. If you have quiet unobtrusive parents I suppose it would be easy to bring them.

That’s the worst and I feel you OP. I commented that I don’t have to babysit my parents, but that wasn’t always the case. We have worked to get to this point. Here’s what I suggest.
Set expectations in advance - “please eat lunch, the food is only for the kids” “please arrive early if you want to get seats where you can see. Don’t worry about us, we’ll get our seats when we get there.”
Don’t sit next to your mom so she can’t whisper to you. My MIL does this and because she’s 73, it’s louder than she thinks. Real comments about kindergarteners from my MIL - “Does that boy has special needs? Oh really? He looks it” “such a shame that young girl is so chubby, but look at her mom, it’s not her fault”
Join a committee, sign up for a job. I am the timer at soccer games. I sell tickets at the school fun fair. I cannot babysit if I am busy and my old school parents wouldn’t dream of bothering my husband.
Look for and get to know the other ever present grandmas at your school and find a way to introduce your mom. The old ladies will seek each other out over time.
And finally just bring them to more things - like a lot more. And drop the rope and stop pretending like their presence is a special visit from a guest who traveled several hours by plane for an annual visit. If they want to go to everything, they get to be part of your every day suburban life. That means sometimes they drive alone because we have to carpool other kids. That means sometimes grandma is in the car when we swing by to pick up curbside groceries on the way home. When they are around all the time, the pressure to make each event special is less. They get to know people and start to talk to people on their own.

And lastly. Deep breath. Your parents are not a reflection of you. You are not a teenager.
They cannot embarrass you. They can only embarrass themselves.

I wasn't the OP but thanks! I'd love for her to make some grandma friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe people who whine about having grandparents that WANT to attend child events. That’s way different than babysitting for you and they shouldn’t have to provide free childcare in order to be invited to things. You are being selfish. How does it hurt you in any way to invite them to your kid’s activities if they want to come??

It doesn't hurt us, it's just that they expect to be catered to. They need the best seats. They loudly yawn (dad) or whisper gossipy questions about other parents and kids(mom.) They want us to talk only to them. If another parent so much as waves hello, they expect a formal introduction and get huffy if I don't say "Annie you MUST meet my mother!" as if she were a celebrity. At one event (boy scouts) there was pizza for the boys only and my WEALTHY parents were loudly complaining that they hadn't eaten lunch because they expected to get free pizza. If you have quiet unobtrusive parents I suppose it would be easy to bring them.

This X1000

The type of grandparent that pushes to come these events and gets angry when they aren’t invited has zero interest in the kid’s performance or the event. It’s just an opportunity for another episode of The Granny Show! It’s time for GRANNY to take center stage and be catered to for the duration of the evening. She tops it off by posting Facebook pics to rub her friends noses in it.

It’s time to cancel The Granny Show or never let it air in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

[b]Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. [i]I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

This makes me think you want a quid pro quo relationship.

Oh yeah, it's so unreasonable for OP to question why grandparents want to come to every last event but can't offer to babysit for an hour every couple months to give her some breathing room. Why should the grandparents get a relationship only on their terms?

Op here. Thank you. I’ve spent $100K plus on all forms of childcare. I’m not asking them to take care of my kid for lengths at a time, just maybe offer to help when you hear we have a scheduling issue or offer for a date night. For having 4 able bodied grandparents within 20 min of us, we sure are on an island

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe people who whine about having grandparents that WANT to attend child events. That’s way different than babysitting for you and they shouldn’t have to provide free childcare in order to be invited to things. You are being selfish. How does it hurt you in any way to invite them to your kid’s activities if they want to come??

It doesn't hurt us, it's just that they expect to be catered to. They need the best seats. They loudly yawn (dad) or whisper gossipy questions about other parents and kids(mom.) They want us to talk only to them. If another parent so much as waves hello, they expect a formal introduction and get huffy if I don't say "Annie you MUST meet my mother!" as if she were a celebrity. At one event (boy scouts) there was pizza for the boys only and my WEALTHY parents were loudly complaining that they hadn't eaten lunch because they expected to get free pizza. If you have quiet unobtrusive parents I suppose it would be easy to bring them.

Op here. YES to all of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP let them be mad. Let go f trying to appease and please nasty, old , pushy people.

Your response…we don’t plan on making school activities larger extended family events.

Wow, grandparents wanting to come to a school event makes them "nasty, old, pushy people"? Clearly this struck a nerve with you but it's not really appropriate to transfer your own dysfunctional relationship with grandparents to every situation.

Op here… I mean, when they scream at you for not being invited(which HAS happened) I think that’s venturing into nasty territory

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

You explained your situation, and that you were desperate. And they flat-out said no? With no valid reason?

Op here. They were like “ohhhh that sucks… hope you can figure that out”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe people who whine about having grandparents that WANT to attend child events. That’s way different than babysitting for you and they shouldn’t have to provide free childcare in order to be invited to things. You are being selfish. How does it hurt you in any way to invite them to your kid’s activities if they want to come??

It doesn't hurt us, it's just that they expect to be catered to. They need the best seats. They loudly yawn (dad) or whisper gossipy questions about other parents and kids(mom.) They want us to talk only to them. If another parent so much as waves hello, they expect a formal introduction and get huffy if I don't say "Annie you MUST meet my mother!" as if she were a celebrity. At one event (boy scouts) there was pizza for the boys only and my WEALTHY parents were loudly complaining that they hadn't eaten lunch because they expected to get free pizza. If you have quiet unobtrusive parents I suppose it would be easy to bring them.

This X1000

The type of grandparent that pushes to come these events and gets angry when they aren’t invited has zero interest in the kid’s performance or the event. It’s just an opportunity for another episode of The Granny Show! It’s time for GRANNY to take center stage and be catered to for the duration of the evening. She tops it off by posting Facebook pics to rub her friends noses in it.

It’s time to cancel The Granny Show or never let it air in the first place. [/quote

THIS. We stopped inviting when babysitting grandma and grandpa at events became more exhausting than watching actual children. They came to a Halloween festival and whined that they were cold and didn't want to stand in line to purchase food. They want to come watch soccer but leave after 15 minutes because the sun is in their eyes. They insist on coming to a birthday party. sit by themselves, and want to know why they don't have the birthday boy's attention the entire time. They whine more than my toddler!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents and ILs want to be invited to everything for DC. Currently MIL is mad at me because we didn’t invite them to a school program. It honestly didn’t occur to me. This was a first school program we as PARENTS had every even been to due to Covid. My grandparents never came to any of my school programs. I doubt my parents invited them. Some times I just want to do things with just our immediate family.

Also, they very rarely offer to help out with DC. I’m in desperate need of help a couple hours 2x a week for the summer that they could easily help with, but nope.

What’s typical for your family? We already see one set of grandparents weekly, another every couple of weeks.

What is typeical for our family is that grandparents and uncles and aunts (both sides) are clued in about events. I also share school or EC events through a google calendar. That way if someone wants to come they do. I will also send info in group chats. We usually take "guests" and the kids afterwards to some $ chain restaurants. Think Tor Taco, Red Lobster, Olive Garden, 5 guys...or order take-outs at home. Sometimes we will get something from chicfila or even Taco Bell.

I have never asked any one to help with kids as I had a nanny/housekeeper at home. I used to WFH and DH and I also tried to be there with the kids as much as we could by staggering our work (inspite of having a nanny/housekeeper). IF grandparents wanted to hang out with the grandkids they were always welcome at our home with the nanny around. Also, when my parents wanted to take kids out to the park etc, the nanny went along. It was not a burden for anyone to take care of my kids because the backup of nanny was always there. At the end of the day - my kids are my responsibility and I would never expect grandparents to help out. Yes, they could enjoy the grandkids and my kids got to enjoy the family BUT they are also elderly, I would never want them to get tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe people who whine about having grandparents that WANT to attend child events. That’s way different than babysitting for you and they shouldn’t have to provide free childcare in order to be invited to things. You are being selfish. How does it hurt you in any way to invite them to your kid’s activities if they want to come??

It doesn't hurt us, it's just that they expect to be catered to. They need the best seats. They loudly yawn (dad) or whisper gossipy questions about other parents and kids(mom.) They want us to talk only to them. If another parent so much as waves hello, they expect a formal introduction and get huffy if I don't say "Annie you MUST meet my mother!" as if she were a celebrity. At one event (boy scouts) there was pizza for the boys only and my WEALTHY parents were loudly complaining that they hadn't eaten lunch because they expected to get free pizza. If you have quiet unobtrusive parents I suppose it would be easy to bring them.

This X1000

The type of grandparent that pushes to come these events and gets angry when they aren’t invited has zero interest in the kid’s performance or the event. It’s just an opportunity for another episode of The Granny Show! It’s time for GRANNY to take center stage and be catered to for the duration of the evening. She tops it off by posting Facebook pics to rub her friends noses in it.

It’s time to cancel The Granny Show or never let it air in the first place.

Op here… this comment made me chuckle! Thank you.