Who should help take care of MIL? A very complicated family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Um, can you clarify how your husband helps, directly? Can you clarify how you help, directly? Because unless I missed something, your husband does literally nothing to help, and neither do you, so he has absolutely no leg to stand on in thinking SIL2 should "step in and help" when he himself doesn't lift a damn finger, and neither do you.

OP here -

He did, on and off for about 10 years. He lived at home occasionally to help before I met him and while my MIL only had episodes every now and then (maybe once a month or so), he would be there to hold MIL's hand and take her to the hospital. He helped significantly with bills and paid rent while my FIL went down from two incomes to once. Before SIL1 moved in, my husband would go over if my FIL was out of town and he would check on MIL and bring her food. He doesn't anymore since BIL1 and SIL1 has moved in.

I would like to help. But I have a small child and am alone myself when my husband is gone - I don't have any local siblings and one of my parents is deceased, the other is disabled and lives with their spouse. I can help with finding resources for caregiving or discussing, finding an estate planner or applying for benefits. I can't really help with any hands on caregiving, I have no one who could watch my son when my husband is gone.

Um, well let's try he can start helping SOME, and see where we go from there. Until he helps SOME, *now,* he can STFU about SIL2 needing to "step up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all need to sit down and hash this out, OP. Most likely, they need to hire caregivers and find their own place to live. Moving MIL to a rural area isn’t a great idea *unless* there is outstanding medical care nearby - usually not the case, but there are are exceptions.

Generally, too much is being expected of the women in this situation.

OP here -

They do have somewhere to live. They can live at their second property which is about 10 minutes away from a small community hospital. There are specialists and primary care doctors in the area. It is a small area but there is resources available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The last thing that anyone should want is for someone who doesn't want to be a caregiver, to be taking care of their mother.

Hire someone. Give your sister in law a break. (This person married into the family, I think - isn't the daughter?)

This is a terrible situation.

I agree. I have no intention of caregiving for my ILs. Even for my own parents, I'd rather contribute financially to a paid caregiver and visit them regularly. It's just not a role I can handle. So many of the women in my family have spent their entire lives doing some form of caregiving while the men have enjoyed a ton of free time - I decided early on that I'm not going to live like that. I also think, in the case of in laws, no good deed goes unpunished. Better to just sit back and let your DH and his siblings work it out.

[Anonymous]

Hard understand who are the actual children of FIL and MIL. Are these 3 brothers and you are trying to commander their wives to take care of their MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard understand who are the actual children of FIL and MIL. Are these 3 brothers and you are trying to commander their wives to take care of their MIL?

Plus 1.

That is what it sounds like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all need to sit down and hash this out, OP. Most likely, they need to hire caregivers and find their own place to live. Moving MIL to a rural area isn’t a great idea *unless* there is outstanding medical care nearby - usually not the case, but there are are exceptions.

Generally, too much is being expected of the women in this situation.

OP here -

They do have somewhere to live. They can live at their second property which is about 10 minutes away from a small community hospital. There are specialists and primary care doctors in the area. It is a small area but there is resources available.

Got it. And if they move there, everything falls to FIL, correct? Is he on board with that? Driving her to every appointment, etc.?

It sounds like a lousy situation all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Sounds like there’s plenty of resources to go around, and it’s not fair to just dump MIL on SIL1 because they can.

If I were SIL1 I, too, would be pissed at the bait and switch.

I’m also annoyed by how much sexism there is baked into the premise that SIL2 should step up - she works full-time and has kids. In any case it’s not anyone’s true responsibilities outside of FIL, who indeed is absconding on his obligations.

OP here -

It's a suggestion my husband has thrown out. I think he feels like SIL2 (and BIL2) should help since they lived the closest and MIL provided full-time care to her kids before they went to school, neither had to go to daycare. There's actually currently *zero* pressure on SIL2 from my FIL or anyone in the family, it hasn't been formally discussed at all.

Why would the expectation be that *she* help when they *both* benefitted from the free childcare.

What is your husband, BIL1, and BIL2 doing to help? Or is this viewed as purely a woman’s responsibility??

BIL1 pays all the bills. He is really the one bankrolling the situation. He is the sole income earner in the household and pays the mortgage, utilities, and will write checks for FIL if needed.

My husband did help, and will check on MIL if asked or needed.

BIL2 ... does not help.

My BIL1 and FIL are buddies. It's a really crappy patriarchal dynamic. BIL1 will take FIL on vacations and joins in on the recreational trips and SIL1 and MIL just get left at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody gets to decide for another person that they should be a care-giver.

You are, however, welcome to volunteer to do the job yourself.

This. Your husband doesn't get to volunteer someone else to be a caregiver. The only one with any obligation at all here is the woman's husband.

[Anonymous]

SIL1 should file for divorce and force the sale of the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all need to sit down and hash this out, OP. Most likely, they need to hire caregivers and find their own place to live. Moving MIL to a rural area isn’t a great idea *unless* there is outstanding medical care nearby - usually not the case, but there are are exceptions.

Generally, too much is being expected of the women in this situation.

OP here -

They do have somewhere to live. They can live at their second property which is about 10 minutes away from a small community hospital. There are specialists and primary care doctors in the area. It is a small area but there is resources available.

Got it. And if they move there, everything falls to FIL, correct? Is he on board with that? Driving her to every appointment, etc.?

It sounds like a lousy situation all around.

OP here. Correct, everything falls on him.

But ... I feel like I'm going to catch heat for this ... isn't that kind of FIL's role as her spouse to take care of her? It was FIL and MIL's retirement plan all along to move to their rural cabin and live out the rest of their lives in their retirement. They still plan on moving there. They just haven't made any kind of concrete arrangements and their plan is to continue MIL's medical care 1.5 - 2hrs away when they do move rather than shift medical care providers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all need to sit down and hash this out, OP. Most likely, they need to hire caregivers and find their own place to live. Moving MIL to a rural area isn’t a great idea *unless* there is outstanding medical care nearby - usually not the case, but there are are exceptions.

Generally, too much is being expected of the women in this situation.

OP here -

They do have somewhere to live. They can live at their second property which is about 10 minutes away from a small community hospital. There are specialists and primary care doctors in the area. It is a small area but there is resources available.

Got it. And if they move there, everything falls to FIL, correct? Is he on board with that? Driving her to every appointment, etc.?

It sounds like a lousy situation all around.

OP here. Correct, everything falls on him.

But ... I feel like I'm going to catch heat for this ... isn't that kind of FIL's role as her spouse to take care of her? It was FIL and MIL's retirement plan all along to move to their rural cabin and live out the rest of their lives in their retirement. They still plan on moving there. They just haven't made any kind of concrete arrangements and their plan is to continue MIL's medical care 1.5 - 2hrs away when they do move rather than shift medical care providers.

Of course it’s his role. It also completely sucks to be the sole caregiver for someone for over a decade, and with no end in sight. It really, really sucks. So part of me thinks he’s a selfish jerk and part of me completely gets it. It’s not unreasonable to want a life beyond caring for a disabled spouse for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think she needs professional caregivers.

+1. And a full family discussion regarding the resources that will be needed to accomplish that. It's not fair to burden one child/IL with all the caregiving just because they didn't have children.

+2

Sounds like there’s plenty of resources to go around, and it’s not fair to just dump MIL on SIL1 because they can.

If I were SIL1 I, too, would be pissed at the bait and switch.

I’m also annoyed by how much sexism there is baked into the premise that SIL2 should step up - she works full-time and has kids. In any case it’s not anyone’s true responsibilities outside of FIL, who indeed is absconding on his obligations.

OP here -

It's a suggestion my husband has thrown out. I think he feels like SIL2 (and BIL2) should help since they lived the closest and MIL provided full-time care to her kids before they went to school, neither had to go to daycare. There's actually currently *zero* pressure on SIL2 from my FIL or anyone in the family, it hasn't been formally discussed at all.

Why would the expectation be that *she* help when they *both* benefitted from the free childcare.

What is your husband, BIL1, and BIL2 doing to help? Or is this viewed as purely a woman’s responsibility??

BIL1 pays all the bills. He is really the one bankrolling the situation. He is the sole income earner in the household and pays the mortgage, utilities, and will write checks for FIL if needed.

My husband did help, and will check on MIL if asked or needed.

BIL2 ... does not help.

My BIL1 and FIL are buddies. It's a really crappy patriarchal dynamic. BIL1 will take FIL on vacations and joins in on the recreational trips and SIL1 and MIL just get left at home.

That sucks. Situations like these are why I'm not a SAHM and will discourage my daughter from being one, too. My family was also very patriarchal, much like this, but my sister and I both broke away from that crap. OP, thank goodness it's not exactly your problem like it is for your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard understand who are the actual children of FIL and MIL. Are these 3 brothers and you are trying to commander their wives to take care of their MIL?

SIL2, BIL1 and my husband are the actual children.

I'm not trying to comandeer anything. I haven't brought anything up or discussed anything with my husbands family. It's just private discussions between my husband and I at this point because these issues are coming to a head in my extended family dynamic. I haven't said a single thing to any of my inlaws.

My husband is personally burnt out for helping physically and financially on and off for 10+ years.

[Anonymous]

^^it also completely sucks that this couple’s children apparently can’t coordinate to support their parents. Three kids, and they can’t figure it out? Lousy. They don’t have to do all of it, but FFS, find a way to give their parents some support: care for mom, respite for dad.

[Anonymous]

No need to write this essay, OP.
Your MIL and FIL need to hire help.