What’s the worst thing your in laws have done to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Argh! Stop. Just stop. I'm not an in-law. I'm family. I would give my life for you and yours. I'm sometimes offensive or insensitive. I apologize. I ask your forgiveness. I don't think it's ever OK to cut off family, not unless you are in clear and immediate danger of damage to your life or health. (being pissed off, irritated, or angry doesn't meet this standard.)
Family is a blessing that nothing else can replace. Nothing.

Simply being related to people who mistreat you does not justify anything. Adults have the right to decide who to be in contact with. "I would give my life" also doesn't justify anything. You would not. You use it as a get out of jail free card. How about this: don't give your life: give respect, control yourself to not be offensive. Presumably it's easier than giving your life. Try.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Argh! Stop. Just stop. I'm not an in-law. I'm family. I would give my life for you and yours. I'm sometimes offensive or insensitive. I apologize. I ask your forgiveness. I don't think it's ever OK to cut off family, not unless you are in clear and immediate danger of damage to your life or health. (being pissed off, irritated, or angry doesn't meet this standard.)
Family is a blessing that nothing else can replace. Nothing.

I'm responding not as a DIL but as the *daughter* of a mother whose verbal and emotional abuse to me, my husband, and our 13 YO DD *has* caused damage to health -- not only in encouraging and in some ways bullying me into ignoring physical symptoms but also chain smoking in any environment where DD was from DD's birth, despite her asthma (yes, I asked her not to do so. Yes, she would go outside and smoke sometimes when we were visiting but generally would smoke every second we *weren't* there so the house was literally toxic). She also has made up lies about DH which, if I'd believed them, could have led to more stress that would have been more debilitating. I am not able to turn to my parents for any kind of support, which also caused some challenges years ago since illnesses were ignored/I was told to "buck it up" (including through broken bones that were not set for long periods of time, despite my dad's being a doctor and recognizing the break).

PP, for what it's worth, I've *not* cut off my family, much to my DH's chagrin. We now live some distance from them, and that helps with (not) exposing DD to the toxicity, but it's still an unhealthy situation. While I'm sure your heart's in the right place, and while I do agree that family *can be* a blessing, simple saying to stick with them "unless you are in clear and immediate danger of damage to your life or health" isn't as crystal clear as one might think. Since mental illness like my mom's can also take on gaslighting aspects, comments like yours only make those of us "trapped" feel worse about our decisions...and that can lead to real physical and/or emotional danger.

[Anonymous]

saying my oldest had a language disorder because we didn't give her water when she was a newborn (as MIL insisted).

[Anonymous]

Nothing. They're good people.

Now if you're asking about my own parents, though...
We can talk all night.

[Anonymous]

After a many tries and MC I finally had twins. MIL came to see them a week old and while holding the baby told me she would throw him out the window if I didn’t name him William.
Then when DH tried to take the baby back she ran all over the room twirling around and hopping up and down on the sofa.
DH finally got “William” back in his arms and MIL announced the other twin would be named “Harry” and wouldn’t leave until we agreed to all this.
I was in a cold sweat blocking the door to the babies room while DH suggested she should leave ...
We found out later it was the onset of dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a many tries and MC I finally had twins. MIL came to see them a week old and while holding the baby told me she would throw him out the window if I didn’t name him William.
Then when DH tried to take the baby back she ran all over the room twirling around and hopping up and down on the sofa.
DH finally got “William” back in his arms and MIL announced the other twin would be named “Harry” and wouldn’t leave until we agreed to all this.
I was in a cold sweat blocking the door to the babies room while DH suggested she should leave ...
We found out later it was the onset of dementia.

OMG! Nothing but dementia could have made all of that ok. My mouth was literally hanging open as I read that. Scary and so very sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Argh! Stop. Just stop. I'm not an in-law. I'm family. I would give my life for you and yours. I'm sometimes offensive or insensitive. I apologize. I ask your forgiveness. I don't think it's ever OK to cut off family, not unless you are in clear and immediate danger of damage to your life or health. (being pissed off, irritated, or angry doesn't meet this standard.)
Family is a blessing that nothing else can replace. Nothing.

What a load of BS. Be offensive/insensitive, apologize, and then repeat the behavior? That's not acceptable. You also don't ask other people to forgive you - that's mighty arrogant to be offensive then ask forgiveness for your choices! The fact is, a lot of unkind family members will use "family" as a green light, because they can. Because they manipulate, by saying you should love them "unconditionally."

Sorry, but I have conditions with my family - or anyone. They must be kind and not take their issues out on me. That's not asking a lot. "Family" isn't a green light to be offensive, insensitive, or unkind to someone.

I agree that family is a gift - so don't take people for granted by repeatedly being insensitive/offensive. Don't apologize with words - show it in changed behavior.