Parents who don’t care about their child’s appearance

[Anonymous]

I was wondering if the OP was black or Hispanic. My sister married a multi-racial black man (white father, black mother, middle to upper middle class) and his mom’s side of the family is very appearance-obsessed. The right brands, the right look/up to date clothes, hair, nails, makeup, etc. and it starts early - especially for girls. I hear a lot of “your child is an extension of you” when they talk about kids. I guess it has to do with avoiding racism or people assuming that you’re poor because of your race.

[Anonymous]

I am a professor and I push back on the academic culture of "being too busy to shower or comb your hair". I make sure my children look presentable---and they can get dirty. It's not mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was wondering if the OP was black or Hispanic. My sister married a multi-racial black man (white father, black mother, middle to upper middle class) and his mom’s side of the family is very appearance-obsessed. The right brands, the right look/up to date clothes, hair, nails, makeup, etc. and it starts early - especially for girls. I hear a lot of “your child is an extension of you” when they talk about kids. I guess it has to do with avoiding racism or people assuming that you’re poor because of your race.

+1. We (families of color) will be extra scrutinized if our children do not look put together. OUr parenting will be questioned. We were raised by parents who were on the extreme receiving ends of this. This is also why you will see people of color be dressed up when going to the doctor's office.

[Anonymous]

Because their clothes are just not something I'm willing to fight about. I truly don't care what they wear most days, as long as they are clean and weather-appropriate. (And even at that, if my 10 year old son wants to wear shorts, go for it. It's his legs that will be cold, not mine.)
So 6 year old DD came down today in teal sweatpants and a maroon sweater. I said "honey, that outfit doesn't really match - want me to help you find something else?" And she said "nope - I like this!" And that was that.
She also wears spiderman sneakers from the (gasp!) boys section because those were the sneakers she liked best.
I'm sure you think she looks like a ragamuffin, but she's happy, healthy, and confident. That's way more important to me than what the Gladys Cravets of the world think.

[Anonymous]

My kids often look disheveled, and it's no big deal to me. Their clothes are mostly clean, they practice decent hygiene, and they at least run a brush through their hair each morning. Beyond that, they're old enough at 9 and 11 to choose their own clothing and stylings. If the kids decide to wear pants with rips, clothing that doesn't match, socks that don't match, or have shaggy hair, I'm not going to fight them on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was wondering if the OP was black or Hispanic. My sister married a multi-racial black man (white father, black mother, middle to upper middle class) and his mom’s side of the family is very appearance-obsessed. The right brands, the right look/up to date clothes, hair, nails, makeup, etc. and it starts early - especially for girls. I hear a lot of “your child is an extension of you” when they talk about kids. I guess it has to do with avoiding racism or people assuming that you’re poor because of your race.

+1. We (families of color) will be extra scrutinized if our children do not look put together. OUr parenting will be questioned. We were raised by parents who were on the extreme receiving ends of this. This is also why you will see people of color be dressed up when going to the doctor's office.

Yup, I think this is a lot of it. When my kids look like slobs, people are like "weird hippie parents letting their kids dress themselves;" when POC's kids look like slobs, people are like "oh, those poor kids/terrible parents/probably on drugs/feed their kids crap/whatever." The double-standard is real and sucks and I totally understand why it leads some POCs to make their kids' appearances a hill to die on when I do not.

[Anonymous]

It’s the long, messy hair that really bothers me. It shows the world that your kid won every hair grooming battle in your house - from barber to ponytail - or that you are so vain about your kid’s looks that you “can’t bare to cut it.” Also, LICE. your kid is going to get lice and then you are NEVER going to be able to get rid of them. Just a warning for all those three year old parents out there who haven’t experienced school lice hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was wondering if the OP was black or Hispanic. My sister married a multi-racial black man (white father, black mother, middle to upper middle class) and his mom’s side of the family is very appearance-obsessed. The right brands, the right look/up to date clothes, hair, nails, makeup, etc. and it starts early - especially for girls. I hear a lot of “your child is an extension of you” when they talk about kids. I guess it has to do with avoiding racism or people assuming that you’re poor because of your race.

+1. We (families of color) will be extra scrutinized if our children do not look put together. OUr parenting will be questioned. We were raised by parents who were on the extreme receiving ends of this. This is also why you will see people of color be dressed up when going to the doctor's office.

Yup, I think this is a lot of it. When my kids look like slobs, people are like "weird hippie parents letting their kids dress themselves;" when POC's kids look like slobs, people are like "oh, those poor kids/terrible parents/probably on drugs/feed their kids crap/whatever." The double-standard is real and sucks and I totally understand why it leads some POCs to make their kids' appearances a hill to die on when I do not.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parents are too self-involved and “busy” to care what their kids look like.

Or maybe they care about things other then appearances!

I have 2 kids who had a lot of sensory issues as toddlers. Lots of screaming and tantrums as they got dressed, would only wear certain fabrics and went bonkers over seams and zippers etc. The worst part of having to dress my kids in their limitedv wardrobes of worn soft fabrics was you judgy bitches. I wanted to dress my daughter in beautiful outfits with braids or pigtails but her special needs prevented that. It hurts that you just think I am lazy and selfish.

PP, my brother was the same way. Don't spend a second caring what anyone thinks about your kids' appearance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because their clothes are just not something I'm willing to fight about. I truly don't care what they wear most days, as long as they are clean and weather-appropriate. (And even at that, if my 10 year old son wants to wear shorts, go for it. It's his legs that will be cold, not mine.)
So 6 year old DD came down today in teal sweatpants and a maroon sweater. I said "honey, that outfit doesn't really match - want me to help you find something else?" And she said "nope - I like this!" And that was that.
She also wears spiderman sneakers from the (gasp!) boys section because those were the sneakers she liked best.
I'm sure you think she looks like a ragamuffin, but she's happy, healthy, and confident. That's way more important to me than what the Gladys Cravets of the world think.

This, a thousand times this. I let them pick out their clothes, and I'm not going to run out to Target to buy their "favorite" character shirts in 4 different sizes. So if they pick up a ratty old t-shirt with Peppa Pig on it and it's a little snug, we just roll with it. After a few months, if the kid is still into whatever, I'll get another size up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This applies to people are wealthy/UMC, and who wanted children.

I don’t understand people who don’t care about their child’s appearance. Long, tangled hair, worn out and old clothing, etc.

I cared for my two nieces this week. My sister and her husband have plenty of money, yet all of the girls clothes were second hand, polyester, thread bare, faded. I’m fine with buying second hand (reuse reduce!) and not spending your money on a child’s wardrobe, but Target clothes aren’t expensive...?

I feel bad for the girls. What will they wear to school?

Their parents clothes are always tattered and poor quality, so clothing is definitely not something they care about.

I have two boys who rarely look put together, but their clothes are decent quality. Not, ripping at the seams.

Who cares that a toddler or preschooler or even kindergartner has clothes that are ripping at the seams? Seriously, why should we care???
Are they read to, taught to enjoy healthy fruits and vegetables, kept safe from falls and broken glass, hugged, vaccinated, their teeth brushed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was wondering if the OP was black or Hispanic. My sister married a multi-racial black man (white father, black mother, middle to upper middle class) and his mom’s side of the family is very appearance-obsessed. The right brands, the right look/up to date clothes, hair, nails, makeup, etc. and it starts early - especially for girls. I hear a lot of “your child is an extension of you” when they talk about kids. I guess it has to do with avoiding racism or people assuming that you’re poor because of your race.

+1. We (families of color) will be extra scrutinized if our children do not look put together. OUr parenting will be questioned. We were raised by parents who were on the extreme receiving ends of this. This is also why you will see people of color be dressed up when going to the doctor's office.

Yup, I think this is a lot of it. When my kids look like slobs, people are like "weird hippie parents letting their kids dress themselves;" when POC's kids look like slobs, people are like "oh, those poor kids/terrible parents/probably on drugs/feed their kids crap/whatever." The double-standard is real and sucks and I totally understand why it leads some POCs to make their kids' appearances a hill to die on when I do not.

+1

+1.
As a white mom who's been tagged "weird hippie parent" I've been hit with the judgemental comments from black moms at school, and it took me a lot of deep breaths to tell myself "there are double standards, and they have to care, so they project that onto me, hence the nastiness. Let it slide, and it's ok not to change your entire philosophy of what matters just to please those moms."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was wondering if the OP was black or Hispanic. My sister married a multi-racial black man (white father, black mother, middle to upper middle class) and his mom’s side of the family is very appearance-obsessed. The right brands, the right look/up to date clothes, hair, nails, makeup, etc. and it starts early - especially for girls. I hear a lot of “your child is an extension of you” when they talk about kids. I guess it has to do with avoiding racism or people assuming that you’re poor because of your race.

+1. We (families of color) will be extra scrutinized if our children do not look put together. OUr parenting will be questioned. We were raised by parents who were on the extreme receiving ends of this. This is also why you will see people of color be dressed up when going to the doctor's office.

Yup, I think this is a lot of it. When my kids look like slobs, people are like "weird hippie parents letting their kids dress themselves;" when POC's kids look like slobs, people are like "oh, those poor kids/terrible parents/probably on drugs/feed their kids crap/whatever." The double-standard is real and sucks and I totally understand why it leads some POCs to make their kids' appearances a hill to die on when I do not.

+1

+1.
As a white mom who's been tagged "weird hippie parent" I've been hit with the judgemental comments from black moms at school, and it took me a lot of deep breaths to tell myself "there are double standards, and they have to care, so they project that onto me, hence the nastiness. Let it slide, and it's ok not to change your entire philosophy of what matters just to please those moms."

being judged as a weird hippie parent is very different from being judged as not in a position to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fascinated by parents with perfectly coiffed kids. I have twins. Sometimes they look great and sometimes they are a mess. My thing daughters hair is always brushes but doesn't have the tight ponytail going. Do parents yank their kids hair and hold them down to get that look.

Both my husband and I are academics, so we totally fall into the crunch category. We are anti conspicuous consumption and do get as much possible second hand.

I have two year old twins and a newborn and my twins hair is always done and their clothes are clean and cute. I honestly don’t see how this takes more time than what other parents do but maybe I just care more. They get tons of compliments and I love looking back at random pictures and seeing them look so sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fascinated by parents with perfectly coiffed kids. I have twins. Sometimes they look great and sometimes they are a mess. My thing daughters hair is always brushes but doesn't have the tight ponytail going. Do parents yank their kids hair and hold them down to get that look.

Both my husband and I are academics, so we totally fall into the crunch category. We are anti conspicuous consumption and do get as much possible second hand.

I have two year old twins and a newborn and my twins hair is always done and their clothes are clean and cute. I honestly don’t see how this takes more time than what other parents do but maybe I just care more. They get tons of compliments and I love looking back at random pictures and seeing them look so sweet.

I'm a boy mom and my kids' hair looks the same no matter what as long as it's somewhat trimmed so I have a question: what do parents mean by girls having hair that is "done?" Braided? Pigtails? Or just combed and a bob?