ANTI-CHILDREN wedding? can't even bring children to the resort even if you have your own babysitter?

[Anonymous]

We only have one child in our family, who will be one when our wedding is scheduled. She is our niece.
We were planning on having our destination wedding at an adults only resort, because we feel it is not appropriate to ask our childless guests to spend money on an expensive jamaican vacation, at a family resort.
My fiancee's sister is very upset as she thought this would be a 'family' vacation.
We would like to think of it as a hybrid, and i'm not so worried if she has to stay at a different resort - but am i obliged to change the resort? Like, really?
Everyone else is happy with the decision.
We love our niece and i feel for my sister-in-law, but i'm really lost here....our friends are important to us too. The resort choice was based on many factors, including price...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We only have one child in our family, who will be one when our wedding is scheduled. She is our niece.
We were planning on having our destination wedding at an adults only resort, because we feel it is not appropriate to ask our childless guests to spend money on an expensive jamaican vacation, at a family resort.
My fiancee's sister is very upset as she thought this would be a 'family' vacation.
We would like to think of it as a hybrid, and i'm not so worried if she has to stay at a different resort - but am i obliged to change the resort? Like, really?
Everyone else is happy with the decision.
We love our niece and i feel for my sister-in-law, but i'm really lost here....our friends are important to us too. The resort choice was based on many factors, including price...

I hate destination weddings. I don't have that kind of money, that I can spend it to go to a resort someone else picks out at a location and time they like. And I sure don't have the money for a three day weekend babysitter for the kids. If you were my soon to be inlaw sister and planned this type of wedding, I'd have to stay home from the wedding. I'd send my husband because he was your brother and all, but I'd remember that family wasn't really much of a priority for you. Expensive Jamaican vacation was the thing, for you.

Unless you are footing the bill for the trip or somehting, I just don't like destination weddings.

Seems to me you could have a nice wedding in an accessible place, and then you and your groom could take your nice expensive jamaican vacartion, just the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate destination weddings. I don't have that kind of money, that I can spend it to go to a resort someone else picks out at a location and time they like. And I sure don't have the money for a three day weekend babysitter for the kids. If you were my soon to be inlaw sister and planned this type of wedding, I'd have to stay home from the wedding. I'd send my husband because he was your brother and all, but I'd remember that family wasn't really much of a priority for you. Expensive Jamaican vacation was the thing, for you.

Unless you are footing the bill for the trip or somehting, I just don't like destination weddings.

Seems to me you could have a nice wedding in an accessible place, and then you and your groom could take your nice expensive jamaican vacartion, just the two of you.

Whatever. People have destination weddings for plenty of reasons that have nothing to do with just wanting a fancy vacation and dissing their family. We had a destination wedding b/c we are not from the same country and we weren't living in either of our homelands at the time. There was not a single choice that we made that wasn't going to bum out or even piss off some group of our potential guests. So, we did what we could to spread the pain evenly and hoped people would come.

[Anonymous]

"We only have one child in our family, who will be one when our wedding is scheduled. She is our niece.
We were planning on having our destination wedding at an adults only resort, because we feel it is not appropriate to ask our childless guests to spend money on an expensive jamaican vacation, at a family resort.
My fiancee's sister is very upset as she thought this would be a 'family' vacation.
We would like to think of it as a hybrid, and i'm not so worried if she has to stay at a different resort - but am i obliged to change the resort? Like, really?
Everyone else is happy with the decision.
We love our niece and i feel for my sister-in-law, but i'm really lost here....our friends are important to us too. The resort choice was based on many factors, including price... "

Its one thing to host your wedding in a locale that may be more difficult for friends, but to create a situation where you are excluding your sister-in-law and niece seems inappropriate to me. Perhaps you are not that close with them, but I could never do something like that.

[Anonymous]

It's your wedding - do what you want. I hate this thinking that you should plan your wedding around everyone else. So irritating. If they can't come, so be it. There's plenty of time for more vacations...family, or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Ask husband to go placate Bridezilla on his own while you stay home. They can't expect other people to pay to travel that far AND tell them that their families are not welcome. Not everyone has access to all-weekend babysitting, or children old enough to handle it. Bride and Groom-zilla can't possibly expect that there will be no children at the resort at all, so basically they're imposing a rule on their friends that doesn't apply to anyone else at the resort.

It's one thing to say that your party/ ceremony is child-free, and another to tell people that they can't do what they want in their spare time. Bride and Groomzilla don't own you all weekend.

And while they can do what they want for their wedding, it's creepy and uptight. Weddings are about family, the future, starting a life together, and showing the people who have always cared for and supported you a wonderful time. Children are a huge part of your dear friends and family's lives. If you are too uptight and stuffy and perfectionist to allow a little giggling or interruption or running around in the midst of what's supposed to be a CELEBRATION, fergawdsake, what a dull and tense life you have ahead.

My wedding was at a lovely resort and kids were more than welcome. It did not add significantly to the expense. The four-course dinner plus cocktail hour, open bar, dessert, coffee, etc. was $160/adult but only 40/child. Once you're spending enough for a resort wedding-- and they don't come cheap-- allowing even 20 extra kids is nothing by comparison. $800 out of our $15,000 was nothing, and the kids were adorable, cheerful, and a reminder of how lovely family life would be. Some parents still chose to use the wedding as a chance for a romantic weekend without kids and left kids with grandparents; others went the other way and had a family vacation.

Another thing I don't get-- aren't these people close with any of their friends' kids? Their own nieces and nephews?

Not everyone has to agree with that, but I wouldn't even want to go to a wedding with such tight-a$$ed, selfish people. Wish 'em luck, buy 'em a waffle iron, and send hubby.

[Anonymous]

PP-why would you assume people were awful if they didn't want kids at a wedding? I think if you are planning a wedding-plan the wedding you would like but be aware that people may not be able to attend if it's a destination wedding and more so if it's a destination without kids. This doesn't have to be an angry thing. If friends of mine had a destination wedding without kids, I would love it since it would give me a reason to go on a trip and if I couldn't work out the childcare, I wouldn't go and would not be mad and I know my friends would understand and we could party together later. I do think it's interesting when the people with kids somehow get a pass on telling a bride and groom what to do but the people who actually are having the wedding are the worst if they state what they would like.

[Anonymous]

Its one thing to not try to meet the needs of all your friends but the 23:18 poster is creating a situation where her sister-in-law and niece will be excluded to some extent (even if they go but stay at a different resort). If you are making a wedding and care about your family being there (we arent talking 3rd cousin twice removed here), I think its unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

I really respect the right of the bride and groom to have a child free wedding at an adult only resort. It's their wedding day and it should be according to their wishes, not what is best for a family member who has children. My own wedding was child free. Did it upset some relatives? Yes, but that was not my problem.

Now that I have a child of my own I was placed in such a situation. Hubby and I were invited to a destination wedding at an adult only resort. There was no way we would leave our then 6 month old for 4 days. We declined to attend the wedding but sent a very expensive gift with our best wishes. Much to my shock I received a call from the bride upset that we would not be attending. She thought there was something wrong with us for not wanting to leave our 6 month old for that long of time. I told her flat out that she had no right to be offended by us not attending. We were respecting her wishes for her wedding by keeping it child free.

So the bottom line is the bride and groom have a right to plan their wedding anyway they like and their wishes should be respected. On the other hand they should not be upset with parents who have children decline to attend their wedding. After all the parent is respecting their wishes.

[Anonymous]

This exact situation happened in our family. DH's sister planned a weekend wedding, no kids please the whole three day weekend. Wedding was in a quite inacessible location. There were 6 young neices and nephews in the family. None of us 3 sisters in law flew in for the festivities. We sent our husbands, the three brothers. Sister in law was quite hurt we didn't all drop everything and leave out kids (and infants) for the three days, but now she has kids of her own, and guess what? Won't go to parties without them. SO I guess she's forgiven us.

[Anonymous]

"I hate destination weddings. I don't have that kind of money, that I can spend it to go to a resort someone else picks out at a location and time they like. And I sure don't have the money for a three day weekend babysitter for the kids."

Then don't go. Easy. People have destination weddings for all sorts of reasons. I love them. And, I have shelled out PLENTY of money for ugly dresses, bachelorette parties, showers, wedding gifts, travel to weddings, etc. So, I don't have a problem for paying for a wedding in a nice location. Again, if you do, don't go.

As far as the posters commenting about how former brides now understand the dilemma now that they have kids. Well, duh. I mean, really. This is not a surprising turn of events. The childless in many instances just cannot understand the burden and feelings about leaving your baby. Especially younger babies. Give them a break! But, I do agree that they have no right to be angry for non-attendance when they impose the no-kids restriction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP-why would you assume people were awful if they didn't want kids at a wedding? I think if you are planning a wedding-plan the wedding you would like but be aware that people may not be able to attend if it's a destination wedding and more so if it's a destination without kids. This doesn't have to be an angry thing. If friends of mine had a destination wedding without kids, I would love it since it would give me a reason to go on a trip and if I couldn't work out the childcare, I wouldn't go and would not be mad and I know my friends would understand and we could party together later. I do think it's interesting when the people with kids somehow get a pass on telling a bride and groom what to do but the people who actually are having the wedding are the worst if they state what they would like.

PP here: if the bride and groom had the wedding at an adults-only resort, that would be one thing. And if they want to do a no-kids ceremony and reception, also their business. But to have the wedding at a resort that does not bar children and then create a rule for their guests that doesn't apply to anyone else at the resort and is likely to even further inconvenience their own guests is pushy and in my opinion, classless.

The wedding is indeed "your" day, but good hosts and hostesses also care about the comfort of their guests, and create a welcoming environment. If someone is willing to travel for you, and willing to get a sitter for the ceremony and reception, it's not your business as a host to tell them whether your kids can be present at the same resort that night or the next morning.

Honestly, what on earth does the couple get out of making sure that these kids aren't even at the resort?

If they have their heart set on Sandals and that means kids can't come, it's a pain but so be it. But for a parent to have to make arrangements to be away from kids when the resort accepts and accommodates them so that the bride does not have to suffer through knowing that her step-cousin-in-law's toddler is within the resort boundaries during her hair appointment or farewell brunch is just silly. It's not good manners on the part of the host and in my opinion, it shows that the person is so focused on her vision of what she wants that she's not accommodating friends and family one whit. Good luck having a successful marriage with that attitude.

For the posters who have bad experiences with parents who let their kids ruin festive events-- sorry to hear it. All of my friends are pretty good at managing a situation and when things get noisy, ducking out as necessary. My kid has been to a couple of weddings (and two funerals, unfortunately) and has been a rock star. I don't know ANY kids who are so poorly behaved that their presence at a resort would pose an inconvenience to other guests.

[Anonymous]

sorry disagree--too many people feel their kids are really well behaved when they are not. Also totally understand that if a person is saying no kids, it is usually for a reason and it's hard to say that one person's kids can be there and another's can't be there. I also notice that at destination weddings, the bride and groom usually plan a bunch of events and probably don't want to deal with "We need to tuck Susy in" or guest leaving after an hour because they want to get back to the kids. Again-bride and groom can plan whatever they want and can't be mad if people can't go but also guests shouldn't be guilting bride or groom --I am a former bride who got pushed into having all kinds of kids at my black tie wedding and it was a mess and I regret it.

[Anonymous]

Should also add that when people informed me that they "needed" to bring there kids--I wish I had said "Oh gosh I am sorry but it is an adults only wedding but I understand if that doesn't work for you..if you need to skip..no problem we can get together later..and that would be it. Instead I got guilted into "having kids is the right thing to do yada yada" and I hated it..and still hate it now that I have several. I can also state that I never impose my kids on anyone or delude myself that my kids are so well behaved that no one will notice.

[Anonymous]

Many of our friends brought kids to our black-tie wedding and they were all well-behaved and if a baby started to cry, the friend took them out to the hall, so they didnt disturb the guests or the party.

Regardless, not accomodating guests is one thing and totally understandable, but excluding immediate family is obnoxious and, to me, goes against the essence of a wedding which is bringing 2 families together to create a new one.