I'm ashamed of my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least your husband is still alive. I wish mine was.

/thread killer

Yes, he passed five years ago. He'd be 50 today. He had a bit of "middle age pudge." Now it doesn't seem that big a deal.

Hugs to you. Today cannot be easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:just think of him as being eccentric
problem solved

I thought you had to be wealthy and/or living in your hometown to be eccentric

I suspect I'd get tolerated if I moved back to Front Royal as eccentric, I'm wealthy enough/tied in enough to be eccentric there but nowhere else really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dorky wife -- and I'm really glad I found someone who thinks my 'nutty professor' routine is endearing. Yes, there is someone out there who will think that your husband is adorable -- but it sounds like that person is not you. Too bad for you.

You won't realize what a prize he was until you lose him and you see how happy he makes someone else.

But he isn't a prize to her at all. Her leaving him and him finding someone else is a boon for him but not a punishment for her.

[Anonymous]

NP. I haven't read the rest of the replies yet. I just wanted to share my perspective on this because I can kind of relate.

For some reason, after I got married (but not before) I started feeling kind of like you do about my husband's appearance. (I didn't feel that way before marriage). I think it was kind of an "oh, fuck, I really just gave up the possibility of going on dates with a well-dressed guy forever didn't I?" feeling.

So for several months in our first year of marriage, I felt a lot like you do. I stared at every unappealing thing I could find: The fact that his shirts always look too long in the arms, the fact that sometimes his shaggy hair can start looking little-boy like, his not perfect posture, his short answers when people ask him questions. I was driving myself crazy.

Then, I decided I had to stop paying attention to these things. And once I stopped allowing myself to dwell on these stupid things, I stopped noticing them. It worked for me, so you might consider giving it a try.

My experience lead me to realize that other people weren't seeing my husband the way I was seeing him when I was hyper-focusing on his appearance and presentation in front of others. They were seeing him the way I saw him before I married him - in a more wholistic way.

I am willing to bet it's similar for yours as well. I hope that helps, and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I haven't read the rest of the replies yet. I just wanted to share my perspective on this because I can kind of relate.

For some reason, after I got married (but not before) I started feeling kind of like you do about my husband's appearance. (I didn't feel that way before marriage). I think it was kind of an "oh, fuck, I really just gave up the possibility of going on dates with a well-dressed guy forever didn't I?" feeling.

So for several months in our first year of marriage, I felt a lot like you do. I stared at every unappealing thing I could find: The fact that his shirts always look too long in the arms, the fact that sometimes his shaggy hair can start looking little-boy like, his not perfect posture, his short answers when people ask him questions. I was driving myself crazy.

Then, I decided I had to stop paying attention to these things. And once I stopped allowing myself to dwell on these stupid things, I stopped noticing them. It worked for me, so you might consider giving it a try.

My experience lead me to realize that other people weren't seeing my husband the way I was seeing him when I was hyper-focusing on his appearance and presentation in front of others. They were seeing him the way I saw him before I married him - in a more wholistic way.

I am willing to bet it's similar for yours as well. I hope that helps, and good luck.

This is excellent advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I haven't read the rest of the replies yet. I just wanted to share my perspective on this because I can kind of relate.

For some reason, after I got married (but not before) I started feeling kind of like you do about my husband's appearance. (I didn't feel that way before marriage). I think it was kind of an "oh, fuck, I really just gave up the possibility of going on dates with a well-dressed guy forever didn't I?" feeling.

So for several months in our first year of marriage, I felt a lot like you do. I stared at every unappealing thing I could find: The fact that his shirts always look too long in the arms, the fact that sometimes his shaggy hair can start looking little-boy like, his not perfect posture, his short answers when people ask him questions. I was driving myself crazy.

Then, I decided I had to stop paying attention to these things. And once I stopped allowing myself to dwell on these stupid things, I stopped noticing them. It worked for me, so you might consider giving it a try.

My experience lead me to realize that other people weren't seeing my husband the way I was seeing him when I was hyper-focusing on his appearance and presentation in front of others. They were seeing him the way I saw him before I married him - in a more wholistic way.

I am willing to bet it's similar for yours as well. I hope that helps, and good luck.

I think this is exactly the source of the OPs problem. She thought marriage would give her the ability to shape him and that's turned out not to be the case.

The question now is why not let him go and get the husband you want, OP? I think the answer is that what you want is likely just as shallow - and doesn't want you.

[Anonymous]

I find plenty of fault in OP's dilemma, but is it really too much to expect a married man or woman to dress well, stay in shape, and be able to contribute to a conversation in general social setting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I haven't read the rest of the replies yet. I just wanted to share my perspective on this because I can kind of relate.

For some reason, after I got married (but not before) I started feeling kind of like you do about my husband's appearance. (I didn't feel that way before marriage). I think it was kind of an "oh, fuck, I really just gave up the possibility of going on dates with a well-dressed guy forever didn't I?" feeling.

So for several months in our first year of marriage, I felt a lot like you do. I stared at every unappealing thing I could find: The fact that his shirts always look too long in the arms, the fact that sometimes his shaggy hair can start looking little-boy like, his not perfect posture, his short answers when people ask him questions. I was driving myself crazy.

Then, I decided I had to stop paying attention to these things. And once I stopped allowing myself to dwell on these stupid things, I stopped noticing them. It worked for me, so you might consider giving it a try.

My experience lead me to realize that other people weren't seeing my husband the way I was seeing him when I was hyper-focusing on his appearance and presentation in front of others. They were seeing him the way I saw him before I married him - in a more wholistic way.

I am willing to bet it's similar for yours as well. I hope that helps, and good luck.

This is excellent advice!

Thank you. PP here. I thought it might also be helpful to add that I now love my husband to pieces and couldn't imagine life without him. So my experience makes me less pessimistic than some of the other posters about OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is terrible with small talk, unable to graciously end conversations, prone to awkward silences, sometimes just says the wrong stuff and I cringe at the idea of letting him talk to some of my friends and colleagues without me around. But then I realize that shit is all my hang ups and issues. He's not me. He's a separate person that I fell in love with (flaws and all) and when my heart's beating fast as I approach an 'unsupervised' conversation, he's always doing great! People love him! They say what a great listener he is and caring and sweet. They're right. I'm just neurotic sometimes.

+1!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find plenty of fault in OP's dilemma, but is it really too much to expect a married man or woman to dress well, stay in shape, and be able to contribute to a conversation in general social setting?

Honestly, I fail two of those tests - I dress like a slob, and I've gotten fat in the last five years - but I think I'm a pretty great husband - I love my wife and kids and treat them well and support and care for them, I make a good living, I do half or more of the work around the house, etc. (and no, I don't think I'm perfect, so don't flame me). So hopefully my wife does not think like you do, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find plenty of fault in OP's dilemma, but is it really too much to expect a married man or woman to dress well, stay in shape, and be able to contribute to a conversation in general social setting?

If someone is poorly dressed, socially awkward, and not athletic before you marry them, then yes, it is too much to expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find plenty of fault in OP's dilemma, but is it really too much to expect a married man or woman to dress well, stay in shape, and be able to contribute to a conversation in general social setting?

It depends.

I have no interest in "dressing well". I consider it a vain waste of time and money, spent in pursuit of the ignoble goal of impressing the sorts of people who are taken by frippery and who are, therefore, not worth impressing.

I also have no interest in making small talk with most people, friends excepted. Small talk is ... small. Uninteresting and without value. A waste of time and energy that could be more profitably and enjoyably spent in other pursuits.

That said, as a courtesy to my wife (who sympathizes with, but does not wholly share, my views), I make an effort to dress appropriately and engage in polite chatter when required for her work or social events.

She appreciates and is content with this in light of the contributions that I make to our marriage.

Point is, "dressing well" and "socializing" are not valued by all. Indeed, I believe that such things have no value whatsoever--they are tedious, superficial exercises with significant opportunity cost. The equivalent of reading People magazine.

[Anonymous]

Op I can kind of relate. It's a really strange dilemma. I love my dh and am so happy with him 90% of the time. The rest of the time I do get annoyed at how he's not very sophisticated. He's rednecky and comes from a redneck family. His parents are hardcore republicans and hate foreigners. He although smart doesn't have much ambition and doesn't make enough money. I seriously fear we will have to move because we cannot afford to live here. He is shy and quiet and I'm always the social butterfly at social events. I'm jealous of my friends who have married wealthy ambitious social guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I can kind of relate. It's a really strange dilemma. I love my dh and am so happy with him 90% of the time. The rest of the time I do get annoyed at how he's not very sophisticated. He's rednecky and comes from a redneck family. His parents are hardcore republicans and hate foreigners. He although smart doesn't have much ambition and doesn't make enough money. I seriously fear we will have to move because we cannot afford to live here. He is shy and quiet and I'm always the social butterfly at social events. I'm jealous of my friends who have married wealthy ambitious social guys.

You're insufferable. I can't believe you would talk about your husband like this. Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I can kind of relate. It's a really strange dilemma. I love my dh and am so happy with him 90% of the time. The rest of the time I do get annoyed at how he's not very sophisticated. He's rednecky and comes from a redneck family. His parents are hardcore republicans and hate foreigners. He although smart doesn't have much ambition and doesn't make enough money. I seriously fear we will have to move because we cannot afford to live here. He is shy and quiet and I'm always the social butterfly at social events. I'm jealous of my friends who have married wealthy ambitious social guys.

You're insufferable. I can't believe you would talk about your husband like this. Unbelievable.

So she can't anonymously tell the truth about how she feels about her husband?