Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I got enough of a taste of it to see that nothing the op says will convince some of the PPs that he/she is anything but immature. I'm sorry but that mocking attitude shows me who is immature.
OP, I hope that you and you friends end up having a wonderful time at whatever you end up doing for a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the whole thread, but I got enough of a taste of it to see that nothing the op says will convince some of the PPs that he/she is anything but immature. I'm sorry but that mocking attitude shows me who is immature.
OP, I hope that you and you friends end up having a wonderful time at whatever you end up doing for a party.

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it! There sure are some rude people on here. I am surprised this thread has generated so many responses, I did not think this issue merited so many comments! Anyhow, for those who were wondering, DH and I are new to the area (moved from the West Coast) and we don't yet have a "group" of friends. We didn't know a single person here when we moved here 3 years ago, and making friends takes time and a lot of work. Since this is a big birthday (DH's 40th) I thought it would be nice to not celebrate his birthday just the two of us as we have done since moving here (because we didn't really know anyone). It's only been in the last 6 months to a year that we've really started making some good friends, through work, volunteering, and social groups we've joined, and I thought it would be a nice idea to celebrate with our new friends for this special birthday. Some of the friends know each other, others don't, so I need to take that into account when deciding what type of get-together to have. We are informal and low-key people who don't eat at fancy restaurants, never dress up, and our friends tend to organize things like a potluck at someone's house, mini-golf outing, going to a festival, or camping trip. I will say that my enthusiasm for having any sort of celebration has definitely been dampened by this thread, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

I think most of the people responding have never been to an Olive Garden (I never have). It's a different type of world.

The pizza party sounds fun and cute. I would go and probably have a great time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- The desert themed idea is a TERRIBLE idea... Party flop!!!! Go with the bowling and pizza, which by te way will cost juat as much a paying for everyones dinner!!! Bowling fees, shoes, pizza and coke will cost just as much as dinner. Stop bring an idiot and just pay for dinner!!!! Is this how you make all your decisions?!!!

OP already said that she cannot financially afford dinner. OP would not be able to cover bowling fees, shoes, pizza/bowling food and beverages. If you were invited to a bowling party, you would expect the host to pay. This is a bad idea for someone not able to cover all participants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP: It looks like you have this whole thing justified in your head already that you can invite everyone to go dutch. I think the majority of us think this is a big no-no. You really need to scale the celebration to something that you can afford. Why not get pizza delivered at your house? If you can not afford it, then you really should not plan it. Otherwise, you are basically asking everyone else to foot the bill for your husband's party. If you are really intent on having the others foot the bill to a party that you should be hosting, perhaps you can have your sister invite everyone: "Let's all take Bob out for dinner at Benihanna's!!!". BTW, every 40th birthday party I have attended was hosted by the spouse/partner. Good Luck on this! You are going to need it!

No, what I've decided now (after reading this thread) is to either do 1) a brunch at my house, which would be low-key, 2) invite everyone to a pizza/bowling type place (though need to figure out what kind of places are in NoVA, I'm not that familiar with the area), and pay for everyone, or 3) do a dessert themed party at my house, from say 8 pm-11pm. We have established that I will not invite people to a restaurant and expect them to pay. That was my original thought, but apparently it is a social faux pas (which I didn't know).

My friends, as well as myself and DH, are very informal types who tend to have potluck dinners or mini golf outings to celebrate birthdays, so I think they would be happy with any of these options. Though these are indeed new friends, some of whom don't know each other, so there is that to consider. DH and I are newish to the area so we really want to celebrate this big birthday with our new friends, even though we don't have a "group"--only friends from different areas (work, volunteering, etc.). So because of that fact not sure how well a party at our house would work. Will have to think more about this. I don't have much experience with entertaining (DH and I mainly host brunches, in which we make all the food, which have all been very nice and low key). I've never hosted a party at home and so while it sounds like a fun idea I worry it will be too much work/stress.

I appreciate everyone's ideas, and now I know definitively that the restaurant idea was a bad idea. Good thing I posted on here before sending out an e-vite! Though honestly, my friends are so laid back and informal that I don't think they would have batted an eye at the dutch thing at a restaurant, since it was going to be an Olive Garden type restaurant anyway (i.e. relatively inexpensive).

OP, why not have your guests bring their favorite wine or champagne? it would still fit with your usual potlucks, except its bring your favorite alcohol.

[Anonymous]

I vote for you hosting brunch.. Set up a bloody mary bar, mimosas etc and you can serve a lot of people relatively inexpensively, invite everyones kids etc. I personally HATEdessert parties. I rarely eat dessert and it sounds festive but its really not... Ive been to some dud parties with this theme! I also dont like bowling. Some friends did this for their 30th and it was ok but not exactly where iwould want to spend a sat night. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I had my birthday party at a bowling place, I think it was Strike Bethesda. Paid for everyone including fees, food (which was good actually) and I think everyone had fun, but it wasn't cheap. So if you can't afford dinner, you can't afford that either. Unless you go to a more casual bowling alley.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea what any of you are talking about.

We are adults, we have birthdays, we go out for dinner with friends and everyone pays their own way. Why is this different from being 25 or 30 or 35 (I am 40)? You say, "it is my birthday. I really want to spend it with you. Let's meet at a bar and hang out (25), have dinner and drinks (30), a night out without the kids (34 +). In all of these examples, if I was invited, I would assume I was paying for the birthday boy/girl. That is called good manners.

Recent example: For DHs birthday in December I emailed three couple friends and said, "hey, it is DHs birthday. How about a night out with dinner and drinks?" They all came, they all tried to pay for him, never had any crazy idea we would pay, and were incredibly grateful for a reason to get a sitter and get out with other grown ups.

I honestly don't know any of you. I have never been 'invited' to a birthday part out and had it all paid for. The only experience I have ever had like that was at something called a wedding.

OP - go forth, send an email to your friends asking them to join in a birthday celebration and a fun night out. I would do an email rather than an evite, in order to deflect any of the ideas on this thread.

If I am just white trash and don't know people with this kind of money (and we could afford to pay for a meal like this), I will happily become your friend to be invited to a birthday in which just by being 'invited' i get a free meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap. If I got an e-vite for any kind of restaurant get-together, regardless of the situation, I would assume I'm paying for me and my husband (unless it was a work party thrown by my boss or something). I think I travel in different circles than most DCUMers.

Why? What's the point of an eVite if everyone pays for themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound nice and your friends sound nice (unlike some of the people who have posted here). I can't believe this thread generated so many responses, but, despite the meanies, I think you got some good advice. I'm a bit like you in that I find hosting stressful, so I'd probably do something casual out of the house. Bowling, bar, or the like. I'm sure your friends will be happy to celebrate with you. Don't stress too much about it.

Pizza and bowling is a random Friday night. A 40th birthday party would be a horse of a totally different color. After reading all this, I vote for no party of any kind, just a nice dinner for OP and her husband. That will cost them $300, which seems a more comfortable budget for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap. If I got an e-vite for any kind of restaurant get-together, regardless of the situation, I would assume I'm paying for me and my husband (unless it was a work party thrown by my boss or something). I think I travel in different circles than most DCUMers.

Get together, yes. Party to celebrate spouse's 40th birthday from spouse? No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of the people responding have never been to an Olive Garden (I never have). It's a different type of world.

The pizza party sounds fun and cute. I would go and probably have a great time.

I've been to Olive Garden. It's essentially Italian fast food, totally appropriate for families and not at all special or celebratory for a kid free evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm a younger generation than everyone here, but we always go Dutch on bday dinners. Usually in lieu of gifts.

organizing dinner for a friend is different than organizing for a spouse.

True. I think when I was young and single it was understood the bestfriend organizing the dinner was not treating everyone and the birthday girl wasn't paying. If either a parent or spouse is organizing, I think it would be unclear. Especially at this stage of life its rare to give birthday gift to adults so having everyone pay in lieu of a gift you wouldn't normally get doesn't make sense. Either it is a get together for dinner but not to celebrate a birthday in which it is understood
It is dutch and it isn't a huge group or you host at home.

[Anonymous]

You do not ask people to pay for a birthday party- sorry. No games. These are adults. Invite them over at 7pm. Order pizza, make a salad, have a cake. Serve wine and beer if you are a drinker. Keep it simple. People like to meet new people, they will talk to each other. You are way over thinking this.

[Anonymous]

I would never in a million years think that an evite would mean that I didn't have to actually pay for the dinner. I'm like PP I guess, I must run in different circles.