Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career—how to restore balance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked that so many are telling OP to suck it up. She has One Thing, and there are no impediments to her continuing her One Thing. Why should she change it? I don't see the logic.

That One Thing doesn’t help with any bills. It’s not essential for the family to run smoothly. It’s just a hobby and can be changed around.

She is hosting the event in a house that is being paid for by her husband’s work that Friday. There’s no way her event is more important.

If she wants, she can take on the role of the breadwinner, drive to the office on Fridays while her husband has his friends over for a party. How would she feel about that?

It sounds to me like she would want that. She gets to move where she wants, take a job that makes her happy, be a present parent around her schedule and not the kids needs, and he has to find a job with flexible hours or working nights so that he can take care of her and the house and all of the mundane things with the kids.

Who wouldn’t want that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who makes a lot more than my wife.

There is no reason in the world he cannot work from home on Friday and you still have your event. Even in an apartment- you seem seriously unhinged.

You are a guy who lacks imagination. Say it was a meetup for ten moms of little kids with ADHD. You can't work from home out of an apartment in that situation.

Its so fundamentally disrespectful of you OP that he is suggesting you change your event to suit his whims, when he knows it was your only condition to the job switch.

Interesting comment, because we had a very similar situation in our marriage. I had a bi monthly meetup for moms with other dc with SN and their siblings, at our house. DH wanted to WFH that day and suggested we regularly meet up at the park or starbucks instead.

The whole reason the meetup worked for the moms to actually socialize was because the kids -some runners--were safely contained behind locked doors at our house! The kicker was he had refused for years to take our dc to the park solo because he was difficult to manage there! Friends, I lost my sh!t during this convo.

HA HA HA. Of course. Great suggestion to take ten runners with autism to the local park so the moms can "relax" but the suggesting DH can't even handle his own kid.

DP. You say the poster lacks imagination. I say some of you love to make stuff up. Zero chance that OP’s “long-standing personal/health/wellbeing routine at home that keeps me grounded and brings me joy” is hosting 10 children with autism who are runners and their mothers. But I know it brings many of you joy to complain about unrelated circumstances on nearly every thread.

The woman is doing something closer to yoga or book club.

I mean, if it's book club or yoga, then there's definitely no reason why DH can't work behind a closed bedroom door while it's happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked that so many are telling OP to suck it up. She has One Thing, and there are no impediments to her continuing her One Thing. Why should she change it? I don't see the logic.

That One Thing doesn’t help with any bills. It’s not essential for the family to run smoothly. It’s just a hobby and can be changed around.

She is hosting the event in a house that is being paid for by her husband’s work that Friday. There’s no way her event is more important.

If she wants, she can take on the role of the breadwinner, drive to the office on Fridays while her husband has his friends over for a party. How would she feel about that?

Also by her work. Assuming he doesn’t out-earn her sixfold (in which case it would be unnecessary for her to continue working) her earnings pay for the house that Friday morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the specific condition?

I’ve had a long-standing personal/health/wellbeing routine at home that keeps me grounded and brings me joy, but his new role comes with requirements that conflict with it. When I agreed to the life changes that came with his role, my one condition was that it not interfere with this, and now it has. He’s suggested a workaround, but it’s not ideal for me and isn’t what we originally agreed to. I’m trying to figure out where the line is between being supportive and giving up too much of myself. I don’t want to get too specific because it is very unique.

As someone who did the same for my spouse, but likely without the same monetary rewards as you, I urge you to suck it up. The fact that your husband actually agreed to a condition and now feels bad demonstrates a lot of care for you/about you. I wish I could say I received that much consideration, but at times I definitely did not.

Also, it's likely that things will change over time and you'll be able to get your routine back.

You’re mistaking the floor for a ceiling. All her DH has done is say words and not honor agreements. That demonstrates no care for/about OP.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your inflexibility is creating resentment. It’s not like he chooses golf over you, work is not an easily controlled commitment, unless you want to be unemployed. Your resentment is the end of civility and will make you both single. Then you can blame your work for infringing on you mental wellbeing instead of his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your inflexibility is creating resentment. It’s not like he chooses golf over you, work is not an easily controlled commitment, unless you want to be unemployed. Your resentment is the end of civility and will make you both single. Then you can blame your work for infringing on you mental wellbeing instead of his job.

I don't think anyone's forcing him to work from his house on Fridays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your inflexibility is creating resentment. It’s not like he chooses golf over you, work is not an easily controlled commitment, unless you want to be unemployed. Your resentment is the end of civility and will make you both single. Then you can blame your work for infringing on you mental wellbeing instead of his job.

He doesn’t have some work mandatory thing at home on Fridays, he simply prefers to work from home that day when he has the option. He’s not sacrificing a single thing here when OP has already sacrificed her career trajectory among other things and this selfish arse can’t give her a few hours of peace Friday mornings? For one thing that is important to her?? Just, no.

[Anonymous]

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me

I am so confused here - the WFH thing on Fridays is an option, not requirement? Why can't he just go to the office so you can do your thing on Fridays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me

I am so confused here - the WFH thing on Fridays is an option, not requirement? Why can't he just go to the office so you can do your thing on Fridays?

Because he doesn’t feel like commuting but also doesn’t want a gathering in his house during that time 🙃

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

OK, this is very, extremely different. I assumed that this was an activity you do and the workaround/inconvenience was scheduling, not that you were being asked to move a longstanding meeting to a new location to accommodate him.

This is crappy. I'd tell him it's crappy, it violates your agreement, and you don't plan to move your activity.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

NP. With OPs explanation of the longstanding meeting at her home and the husbands option (not requirement) to wfh on Fridays, I have to say I’m extremely confused. When he told me about the wfh option I would have said oh that’s nice. If he said that he wants to do it I would have said well it’s going to be difficult for him with the noise here but we don’t mind his presence if he stays in the office. If he said that I need to move my event I would have just laughed and said you’re kidding right? This is my thing annd this was our agreement so no. And then continued doing what I was doing. The problem here is that you’re entertaining his preferences. Just don’t.

[Anonymous]

Can you try to think more like a couple (what is for the family), rather than individuals?

I am not being snarky. It just sounds like you feel like he is asking you to make sacrifices for him/his career. What if you reframed it: you guys have options to consider, and this one is the one you both realize is the one that will help your family reach its goals best? If you reached that conclusion together, then you need to be mature in living with the cost it entails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you try to think more like a couple (what is for the family), rather than individuals?

I am not being snarky. It just sounds like you feel like he is asking you to make sacrifices for him/his career. What if you reframed it: you guys have options to consider, and this one is the one you both realize is the one that will help your family reach its goals best? If you reached that conclusion together, then you need to be mature in living with the cost it entails.

Please note: I just read OP’s explanation. The husband is being inflexible. He controls where he works in Fridays, and needs to keep his commitment to her. 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. With OPs explanation of the longstanding meeting at her home and the husbands option (not requirement) to wfh on Fridays, I have to say I’m extremely confused. When he told me about the wfh option I would have said oh that’s nice. If he said that he wants to do it I would have said well it’s going to be difficult for him with the noise here but we don’t mind his presence if he stays in the office. If he said that I need to move my event I would have just laughed and said you’re kidding right? This is my thing annd this was our agreement so no. And then continued doing what I was doing. The problem here is that you’re entertaining his preferences. Just don’t.

I know, right? I would just have kept my meeting at my house. And I would also have laughed in his face. And frankly, my book club gets kind of loud and raucous — we have a good time talking about books. My husband and kids are expected to stay out of the way. And I don’t care if my club being loud keeps my kids up a little late or keeps my husband from concentrating. They can put on some headphones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your inflexibility is creating resentment. It’s not like he chooses golf over you, work is not an easily controlled commitment, unless you want to be unemployed. Your resentment is the end of civility and will make you both single. Then you can blame your work for infringing on you mental wellbeing instead of his job.

He doesn’t have some work mandatory thing at home on Fridays, he simply prefers to work from home that day when he has the option. He’s not sacrificing a single thing here when OP has already sacrificed her career trajectory among other things and this selfish arse can’t give her a few hours of peace Friday mornings? For one thing that is important to her?? Just, no.

This.
OP has already sacrificed too much. He is disrespecting and humiliating her. She should give him two options. He lets her host her event on Fridays at home, or she files for divorce. It’s that simple. Enough os enough.