Waiving child support for primary custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else never able to find an appropriate Father’s Day card for their husband or father?

Here here. Reading the cards feels like a different planet. Big fail. Once we have him a best Dad card that listed a bunch of fatherly parental things and it fell flat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this many years ago. No child support for primary physical custody. The father did not want to pay any child support which is why he originally wanted at least 50 percent custody until I said I’d waive child support completely.

Smoked that out.

It's a terrible thing they are doing--buying and selling their own children. "They can be with you for Christmas if you pay me $2,000."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has them every weekend and you have them before and after work during the week, you are probably both spending about equal amounts of time with them / actively engaged and parenting. He might even be spending more time with the kids if he has Friday evening and all day Saturday and Sunday and you are spending Mon-Fri before work and Mon to Thurs after work. So forgoing child support makes sense. The time spent with kids is about 50/50 even if the official custody wouldn't be as it uses overnights.

It would be really stupid to give him every weekend. Is he going to take the kids to extracurriculars? Is he going to take them to friends birthday parties and play dates? If he has to drive along way to facilitate those activities it seems doubtful. I don’t know how old the kids are, but this type of stuff becomes increasingly important throughout elementary and especially in middle school.

if he’s lazy or selfish he simply will not take them to their activities on his days.

OP didn't say he wouldn't. However, its not reasonable to only give him two days and then say he has to do all the heavy lifting with weekend stuff and he gets no downtime with the kids or free weekends while mom gets every weekend off.

Lol.

That’s THE definition of raising a middle schooler or high schooler. It isn’t about you.

And no, they don’t want to sit around with dad or grandma and miss their practices, games, SAT prep, friends.

And, yet you make it all about you and find any reason to refuse dad a relationship. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this many years ago. No child support for primary physical custody. The father did not want to pay any child support which is why he originally wanted at least 50 percent custody until I said I’d waive child support completely.

Smoked that out.

It's a terrible thing they are doing--buying and selling their own children. "They can be with you for Christmas if you pay me $2,000."

Many dads want a relationship with their kids. Moms make it about the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read these responses

You earn fine. Congratulations and I bet you work hard. My response: The conflict will age you. I think you are circling around the right choice. Make a deal. I actually would advise trying to make the parenting very even and balanced out of the gate. Beginnings matter. Build a good foundation for the rest of your parenthood…

My only advice now is figure out how to make the person you married content post-marriage. It will make your life easier. That’s a project in itself.

—From Experience

Yikes, as someone who did the bold for a good 10-15 years, I do disagree. Orienting myself around making placating divorced Dad was a time, money and energy-suck. I had no control over him and all that was energy wasted.

It also was a bad example for my kids. It taught them not to have boundaries for themselves. Only when the kids started seeing a therapist did they have someone who told them it was OK to say NO.

I would figure out how to disconnect yourself from STBXDH. Parallel parent don’t co-parent. What happens at his house is his responsibility and if the kids are unhappy with him, that is a problem for him to solve.

Grey rock him. Do not tell him anything about your life. Tell him what is necessary for the logistics and safety of the kids, but beyond that, it’s his job to develop a relationship with the kids so that they tell him stuff about their inner lives.

Stop doing the labor for your co-parent. Do the labor for yourself and your kids instead. That is your best investment.

Your life is separate from your kids lives. He does not need to know about your life, nor do you need to know about his. However you both share kids and you need to co-parent. You are the problem.

Ex-spouses do not need to CO-parent with uncooperative partners - co-parenting implies doing things together, and that is not always possible. A parent can choose to parallel parent, and this may be healthier for the kids. Parallel parenting means that each parent basically does what they want on their time and the other parent doesn't participate or comment and there are either no or very limited joint events.

I tried for many years to co-parent. I invited the other parent into my home for meals on a weekly basis (otherwise he simply wouldn't have seen the kids because it required too much effort on his part), I split all holidays (gave him Xmas gift lists, etc.), looped him in on all health and school issues, etc. But, TBH, he still couldn't step up. I finally stopped all this when he was verbally abusive to me in my own home in front of the kids. Previously, he had only been verbally abusive and manipulative in private, but I tolerated that for many years because I thought it was in my kids' interest to maintain a relationship with their dad. It took me a lot of therapy to learn that I was setting a bad example for the kids and that I needed to let him sink or swim on his own. He sank. It's sad for the kids, but it's better that they know the reality and learn to deal with it. It's not something I have the power to fix.

So, no, I am not the problem. I am the parent who offered 505/50 custody and ended up with full custody because exDH didn't want to have custody. But, thanks for playing blame the woman.

co parenting isn’t about inviting the other parent for meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this many years ago. No child support for primary physical custody. The father did not want to pay any child support which is why he originally wanted at least 50 percent custody until I said I’d waive child support completely.

Smoked that out.

It's a terrible thing they are doing--buying and selling their own children. "They can be with you for Christmas if you pay me $2,000."

Many dads want a relationship with their kids. Moms make it about the money.

That's because it costs money to raise children, you moron. Moms don't make it "about the money" anymore than dads do. They're just the ones who for historical reasons have spent more time raising their children and making sure they're clothed, fed and have money for activities.

[Anonymous]

It’s easier to casually mention “that thing” your teen said or what friend he has over — To a person who you are somewhat routinely talking to

I believe most dads are quite good. I have personally seen a mom block a man who wanted to participate. It was for her convenience

Parenting can be/ is terribly difficult and uncomfortable. When you split, times it by ten. I think. But if mom/ dad want in, you should open the door!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has them every weekend and you have them before and after work during the week, you are probably both spending about equal amounts of time with them / actively engaged and parenting. He might even be spending more time with the kids if he has Friday evening and all day Saturday and Sunday and you are spending Mon-Fri before work and Mon to Thurs after work. So forgoing child support makes sense. The time spent with kids is about 50/50 even if the official custody wouldn't be as it uses overnights.

It would be really stupid to give him every weekend. Is he going to take the kids to extracurriculars? Is he going to take them to friends birthday parties and play dates? If he has to drive along way to facilitate those activities it seems doubtful. I don’t know how old the kids are, but this type of stuff becomes increasingly important throughout elementary and especially in middle school.

if he’s lazy or selfish he simply will not take them to their activities on his days.

OP didn't say he wouldn't. However, its not reasonable to only give him two days and then say he has to do all the heavy lifting with weekend stuff and he gets no downtime with the kids or free weekends while mom gets every weekend off.

Lol.

That’s THE definition of raising a middle schooler or high schooler. It isn’t about you.

And no, they don’t want to sit around with dad or grandma and miss their practices, games, SAT prep, friends.

And, yet you make it all about you and find any reason to refuse dad a relationship. Sad.

The was nothing in the previous post about the PP, only the kid and the kid’s obligations. And a bit about sitting at dads and grandmas house like when they were 2 yo and it was cute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this many years ago. No child support for primary physical custody. The father did not want to pay any child support which is why he originally wanted at least 50 percent custody until I said I’d waive child support completely.

Smoked that out.

It's a terrible thing they are doing--buying and selling their own children. "They can be with you for Christmas if you pay me $2,000."

Many dads want a relationship with their kids. Moms make it about the money.

That's because it costs money to raise children, you moron. Moms don't make it "about the money" anymore than dads do. They're just the ones who for historical reasons have spent more time raising their children and making sure they're clothed, fed and have money for activities.

Moms want full custody because they want more money, you moron. They try to sugar coat it with other rationales but that’s the ugly truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this many years ago. No child support for primary physical custody. The father did not want to pay any child support which is why he originally wanted at least 50 percent custody until I said I’d waive child support completely.

Smoked that out.

It's a terrible thing they are doing--buying and selling their own children. "They can be with you for Christmas if you pay me $2,000."

Many dads want a relationship with their kids. Moms make it about the money.

That's because it costs money to raise children, you moron. Moms don't make it "about the money" anymore than dads do. They're just the ones who for historical reasons have spent more time raising their children and making sure they're clothed, fed and have money for activities.

If there is shared responsibility and custody dads have the same costs as moms. Many moms do the absolute minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone waived or accepted a very small amount of child support in exchange for getting primary custody of kids? Is that a bad idea? I make 200K/year working as an attorney and think I have a stable enough job. My priority is to keep my kids for the weekdays so there is no disruption in their school routine. Dad lives in another county.

The dad already lives in another county from you and the kids? So what is the status now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone waived or accepted a very small amount of child support in exchange for getting primary custody of kids? Is that a bad idea? I make 200K/year working as an attorney and think I have a stable enough job. My priority is to keep my kids for the weekdays so there is no disruption in their school routine. Dad lives in another county.

The dad already lives in another county from you and the kids? So what is the status now?

She may have moved away.

[Anonymous]

I did. I knew she wouldn't pay if I was awarded child support anyway. I just wanted it settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone waived or accepted a very small amount of child support in exchange for getting primary custody of kids? Is that a bad idea? I make 200K/year working as an attorney and think I have a stable enough job. My priority is to keep my kids for the weekdays so there is no disruption in their school routine. Dad lives in another county.

The dad already lives in another county from you and the kids? So what is the status now?

She may have moved away.

OP moved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:different county - he lives in Vienna (Fairfax county) and I'm in Arlington. Kids attend Arlington schools. Morning/afternoon commute would be an issue for him so I'd hope he would agree to them staying with me in Arlington during the week - that is our current arrangement post-separation. Custody hearing is in Feb.

Vienna is not that far from Arlington. I live in Fairfax Station, my kids go to school in Annandale, and I work in D.C. You are not far enough for it to be an issue. Really.