Close friend had a party and didn't invite me. How do you deal with the hurt feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It think the long phone call was a way for your friend to keep the friendship alive. I don't think she wants to ditch you, but evidently, she can't handle too many at dinner all at once.

This- friends have an order and a sequence and you keep some warm and tend to others at different times. Unless you have a ballroom (!!) nobody can entertain at once.

Also, sad to say that reciprocity plays a huge role. Have you hosted her within the last year?

When we do parties we either go big and knock out all "obligations" at once (yes it's currency). When we have an intimate dinner party, we factor in who has invited us, which couples get along and who we genuinely want to see. Sometimes you don't make the cut. I'm sure we don't make the cut often at all but I'm not on SM and my friends are discreet so I don't know and don't care!

I know this PP is just being honest but what a sad commentary on how many people approach friendships and socializing

What’s so sad about it? Some people have more friends than they can tend to on a regular basis and have to do some prioritizing.

That's fine, and reasonable people understand that. In this case, it's different. The mean girl friend called her up, fished around to see what OP was doing that weekend, and lied to OP about not doing anything the weekend she was throwing the party. That changes the whole picture.

Don't call your friend and play games with her when you didn't invite her to your party. That's where mean girl went wrong. I would likely not say anything to mean girl, but also, would try to broaden horizons and finding new and better friends. It's hard finding new friends, don't I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that’s awful, especially if you introduced her to the friends. I’m sorry, OP. If other mutual friends ask why you weren’t there I would just be honest and say you weren’t invited and had no idea it was happening.

+1 OP, I hope you told your friends who asked that you weren't invited. If they wonder if it was an oversight, then tell them no she even called me a few days before and asked me what my pans were for this weekend. Don't cover for her.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Your friend sounds like a manipulative user. What a weirdo to invite brand new friends to her small anniversary party, especially while leaving out the longer term friends - including the one who introduced her to the new friends. Then she calls you and asks you about your weekend! What a hostile move. She's excluding you then trying to find out if you know about the party and also trying to keep you friendly and neutralized while she makes this power play to usurp you.

You should evaluate friends too, not just hope you get a good evaluation from them. She does not merit a good evaluation from you. You already know that she's a social climber, so she never deserved to be trusted. Don't say anything to her about this. She'll use it against you. Don't reach out to her. If she reaches out to you, then wait a little while before responding with something short and non-committal. Make plans with your friends without her.

Your friends who she invited did nothing wrong. They merely accepted an invitation to a party that they assumed you were also invited too. Keep up the friendships with them. Don't let some jerk make you feel shamed into retreating.

In the future, don't introduce groups of friends to each other. That way you have other people to do stuff with if things get rocky with one friend or group. Also start evaluating people and determining whether they meet your standards. It's ok to put people in the "friendly acquaintance" bucket and not get too close if you see negative signs.

OP here. Damn. That could be it. She probably wanted to find out if I knew about the party since she had invited my other friends.

When I was invited to casual potluck events over the years, she asked me to introduce her to another friend who was hosting a lot and I did and she became part of that group. I didn't think it was a big deal because she was my friend too.

Now she got her way into my only other friends' group and excludes me, tries to find out if I know.

Thank you for opening my eyes. I'm done with my pity party and I think I deserve better. At least I know where I stand and even if it is difficult for me, will slowly have to find new friends since I don't know how long the friendship with the ones I introduced to her is going to last. They seem to like her. It's going to be difficult but this downward spiral and feeling like I'm not worth it isn't going to help me.

Thinking on it, she always expected me to listen when she was upset, sad but if I was worried about something she used to say said those kind of topics make her upset and never let me vent. I guess I was just the sounding board all the time. I always let it slide. Argh. I shouldn't nitpick now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow that’s awful, especially if you introduced her to the friends. I’m sorry, OP. If other mutual friends ask why you weren’t there I would just be honest and say you weren’t invited and had no idea it was happening.

+1 OP, I hope you told your friends who asked that you weren't invited. If they wonder if it was an oversight, then tell them no she even called me a few days before and asked me what my pans were for this weekend. Don't cover for her.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Your friend sounds like a manipulative user. What a weirdo to invite brand new friends to her small anniversary party, especially while leaving out the longer term friends - including the one who introduced her to the new friends. Then she calls you and asks you about your weekend! What a hostile move. She's excluding you then trying to find out if you know about the party and also trying to keep you friendly and neutralized while she makes this power play to usurp you.

You should evaluate friends too, not just hope you get a good evaluation from them. She does not merit a good evaluation from you. You already know that she's a social climber, so she never deserved to be trusted. Don't say anything to her about this. She'll use it against you. Don't reach out to her. If she reaches out to you, then wait a little while before responding with something short and non-committal. Make plans with your friends without her.

Your friends who she invited did nothing wrong. They merely accepted an invitation to a party that they assumed you were also invited too. Keep up the friendships with them. Don't let some jerk make you feel shamed into retreating.

In the future, don't introduce groups of friends to each other. That way you have other people to do stuff with if things get rocky with one friend or group. Also start evaluating people and determining whether they meet your standards. It's ok to put people in the "friendly acquaintance" bucket and not get too close if you see negative signs.

OP here. Damn. That could be it. She probably wanted to find out if I knew about the party since she had invited my other friends.

When I was invited to casual potluck events over the years, she asked me to introduce her to another friend who was hosting a lot and I did and she became part of that group. I didn't think it was a big deal because she was my friend too.

Now she got her way into my only other friends' group and excludes me, tries to find out if I know.

Thank you for opening my eyes. I'm done with my pity party and I think I deserve better. At least I know where I stand and even if it is difficult for me, will slowly have to find new friends since I don't know how long the friendship with the ones I introduced to her is going to last. They seem to like her. It's going to be difficult but this downward spiral and feeling like I'm not worth it isn't going to help me.

Thinking on it, she always expected me to listen when she was upset, sad but if I was worried about something she used to say said those kind of topics make her upset and never let me vent. I guess I was just the sounding board all the time. I always let it slide. Argh. I shouldn't nitpick now.

PP here. OP, standing ovation here for you for recognizing this so quickly and starting to plan how to move on. Now you see how she's a user so you'll be more attuned to people like this next time.

Just see how it goes with the friends you introduced her to. Sometimes people like this burn through groups and are always on the hunt for new friends, which is why she needed to take your friends. She may cycle through them too.

I'm sorry to hear how she worked her way into both friend groups. It sounds premeditated. Give yourself permission to protect yourself. You don't need to help other people at your own expense. You don't need anyone who expects that.

It's not easy making new friends, but just start with some sort of regular meet up like a class, volunteering, or a book club. That will give you some purpose and familiar faces while everything is sorting out. Try making individual friends instead of groups. Group dynamics frequently end up like this. And definitely keep friends separate and don't share too many details about stuff you're doing with other friends.

We're rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

Op, I would straight up ask. Try not to be confrontational about it. Don’t ask through text. Call her and watch your tone as you explain that you are aware she had a party and invited mutual friends but not you. Ask if you did something to upset her. Be ready to possibly learn something about yourself and how you are coming across to her and possibly others. If she explains that she is pulling away from you and why, do some serious self-reflection to figure out if it is valid. If so, apologize and make changes. If she gives a lame/sketchy excuse, back away from the friendship. Because she either doesn’t care enough to work it out or is just a sketchy person.

The mutual friends must not have been aware she left you out since they asked why you weren’t there. I wouldn’t give up on them just yet. Try to carry on as usual with them.

[Anonymous]

She’s probably a covert narcissist and/or an A-HOLE. People start showing their true colors in late 30s/40s (if not earlier). The mask eventually starts to crumble and/or the data points can no longer be ignored/dismissed as isolated incidents.

Agree with the poster who said people like this can often burn through friend groups. Just do stuff without her. Some people will choose you and some won’t. Most will just shrug and be busy living their lives. I know if I were one of the invited friends and I heard she didn’t invite you, I’d definitely file it away as key info and not try to get too close to that person.

[Anonymous]

I would not ask. The Op's "party friend" is a manipulator of the highest order. Avoid avoid avoid.

Move on.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT ask "what you did."
That's being submissive and needy and she views it as setting the hook she has in you even deeper.
If you ever do mention the party or it comes up just say neutrally you hope it was fun. Period. Change topic.
But I would not initiate any contact with her. And if she calls to vent say sorry, am in the middle of doing something bye Felicia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let yourself be upset for a day or two, and then brush it off and focus on the friends who do want you in their lives. Maybe you think the two of you are closer than she thinks.

Thank you. I'm an introvert and it took me years to form these friendships. I have 1 other friend who lives a bit further away who I think still wants me in her life. But other than that it was these friends. I think I should just focus on my family more to fill the void.

NP. I'm an introvert, too, and that may be contributing here. Extroverts really don't understand introverts. I would give everyone in this situation some grace for now, but be attuned to how they treat you in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This friend spoke to me a few days ago and was on the phone for a long time but never mentioned anything about it. This morning I get a text from another friend asking me why I wasn't at her party yesterday.

Apparently it was to celebrate a milestone in their family and some friends whom I introduced to her were invited.

I feel so hurt and not sure where to go from here. The friends I introduced and her were getting closer lately but to shut me out makes me sad. I feel like I have lost the friends I introduced and her all in one go.

I think you need to think of them more like acquaintances. I’m sorry. This is not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me not so long ago. It really sent me down a shame spiral. But I got out of it in part by thinking about Mel robbins’ let them theory. Look it up — she even talks about being left out of a mom vacation as an example. The person who left me out is decently friendly to me still and I just react as I would to a casual friend. Definitely never said anything about the party an never will.

Op here. Thank you! I will not be saying anything about the party if she calls me.

To another PP who asked what milestone event - it was their anniversary party. I guess that's why I felt hurt - that the new friends were invited and us left out. If this was a casual party I would not have cared because everyone cannot be invited to every party. I honestly don't know why she even bothered to call me just a few days prior. This was definitely not an oversight. She asked my what my weekend plans were.

Our spouses are friends too, kids are friends even if different ages.

What threw me off was we had invited her family just a few months ago and everything seemed fine. We have been chatting a lot by phone too since then.

If she asked what your plans were, she was probably considering inviting you. Edge cases are always hard. You probably aren’t central to her friend group, but if it’s any consolation, she probably spent some time thinking about how to make space for you.

Op here. She invited the friends I introduced whom she has known just a few months.

When she asked me what my plans were I said we had no plans really and we're just going to be cleaning the house.

Op she sounds nuts. Seriously. I would just keep friendly but look for other friends. That being said, I have had parties where I did not invite people I really like or even consider friends for a variety of reasons -one was a party based on a group of parents who were friends from a certain school, another was a party based on my kids' friends' parents, etc.... So that being said she could have just invited that group who are already friends but that being said she still sounds nuts because it sounds like you introduced her etc...

Remain friendly but busy and carry on with your plans etc.... Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would put her on the spot by telling her that your other friend said she had a wonderful time at your party. Them let her come up with a response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would put her on the spot by telling her that your other friend said she had a wonderful time at your party. Them let her come up with a response.

This if you’re fine either fully salvaging the friendship and letting it be water under the bridge or just stop interacting with her cold turkey which may be negative for you socially.

Otherwise I’d just never reach out but be pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar thing and it was awkward as hell with people asking why I wasn’t there. I don’t know why I wasn’t invited (it was a very big party), but assumed she had a reason and it was a clear sign that I should reevaluate. I pulled back after that. We are still friendly, but not close friends anymore.

Had an almost identical situation happen. It was so awkward—I was included in some group chats afterwards in which the gathering was mentioned. I’m sure the friend who hadn’t invited me must have realized this but never bothered to reach out with an excuse as to why she hadn’t included me. We are just barely friendly now, a few years later. Recently I ran into her and she mentioned that she and some of my other lost friends had been out together and were wondering how I was. I mean…how do people not realize how much it hurts to be excluded?

She knows it hurts to be excluded and she enjoys the power. When my dh and I bought a house in the suburbs and had kids I was stunned by how petty some of the women were. Adults absolutely did things to hurt other adults and even children without batting an eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not ask. The Op's "party friend" is a manipulator of the highest order. Avoid avoid avoid.

Move on.

This. It was a power play. Some people live to play these games.

[Anonymous]

Given that she didn't invite you and lied about having the party, clearly she isn't the friend you think she is. Just distance yourself.

I have a good friend of 30 years and our relationship is far more that of an acquaintance now due to some things she did and said over the years. We were very close at times and now we catch up once a year and otherwise add emojis to Facebook and Instagram posts. Life ebbs and flows. I care about her and like to hear what is happening with her family and extended family as I knew them all well at one time but beyond that, the friendship is pretty well dead in the water.