Grey divorces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

The DHs are working while you play pickleball, dine out, and vacation. So, week by week, they are still at the office slugging it out.

Most men would slow down less if they worked less.

I work full time and make as much as most husbands so I'm not playing during the day. My friends that don't work are retired. My friends are doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, engineers (like me).

Some of the H's are disable, some are retired, some still work. But they are not slugging it out at the office. They work at home, go to the gym, play golf and pickleball just not with their wives.

Many are just happy to sit in front of their TV Th-M watching sports now that football is back .

This is the type of moronic stuff that keeps me coming back to DCUM every years.

Yes, Virginia, all men sit on a couch four days a week watching sports.

She said "many are just happy to sit in front of their TV ..." not all, and she gave examples of what other men do, too - she said "work at home, go to the gym, play golf and pickleball just not with their wives."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

You keep making blanket statements about how all couples are, what all couples do, and now about how men are as they age. My earlier post was meant to point out that your experience, although expressed as an absolute universal one, is definitely not. You just clearly have a different kind of friend group than my spouse and I do - we have seven different couples that we vacation with every year, four from the DMV, and none of them have the kind of (crappy) relationship you describe. I’m sorry all those women are not in fulfilling relationships, but it’s pretty unlikely that in each case it’s the husband’s problem (I’m a woman, btw).

You are lucky/blessed/picked a good partner. How many of your happily married friends have had to work through significant life events or conflicts, like infidelity, the death of a child, bankruptcy, addiction, blended family situations, etc? How many have significant value conflicts over money, religion, sex, parenting, or family of origin issues? I feel like marriage is sooo hard, and the ones that make it share some key commonalities, including foremost shared values, but also, many come from high-functioning families, where their parents modeled a good marriage for them.

Your talking to somebody who has friends that clearly don't feel comfortable sharing their real life with her. She probably just has acquaintances and calls them friends.

Misery loves company. Birds of a feather and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

The DHs are working while you play pickleball, dine out, and vacation. So, week by week, they are still at the office slugging it out.

Most men would slow down less if they worked less.

I work full time and make as much as most husbands so I'm not playing during the day. My friends that don't work are retired. My friends are doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, engineers (like me).

Some of the H's are disable, some are retired, some still work. But they are not slugging it out at the office. They work at home, go to the gym, play golf and pickleball just not with their wives.

Many are just happy to sit in front of their TV Th-M watching sports now that football is back .

This is the type of moronic stuff that keeps me coming back to DCUM every years.

Yes, Virginia, all men sit on a couch four days a week watching sports.

She said "many are just happy to sit in front of their TV ..." not all, and she gave examples of what other men do, too - she said "work at home, go to the gym, play golf and pickleball just not with their wives."

Do you know how to read in context? Did you miss the part above where she said men slow down and don’t do much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found that it moved through the men in my DH’s circle like a contagion. The first divorce had an affair that triggered it, but the rest all screamed post-midlife crisis. It just took a tiny bit of social permission for a good 50% of his college friend group to divorce their wives in the course of a few years. The crazy thing was that the men apparently talked to each other about it but mostly didn’t acknowledge it in larger social gatherings that we had over the course of those years. It made opening Christmas cards a wild ride.

From what I understand it is very unusual for men to file when both partners have college educations or more, too.

I think men in their 50s want to have their cake and eat it too (the benefits of an intact family and a loving wife, plus a side piece), so when we see that women file more often, it could be because their wives aren't willing to tolerate cheating.

+1
My BIL went into full-blown panic mode when my SIL filed. He promised the sun, moon and stars but she wanted nothing to do with him after catching him in their bed with his 20-year old intern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found that it moved through the men in my DH’s circle like a contagion. The first divorce had an affair that triggered it, but the rest all screamed post-midlife crisis. It just took a tiny bit of social permission for a good 50% of his college friend group to divorce their wives in the course of a few years. The crazy thing was that the men apparently talked to each other about it but mostly didn’t acknowledge it in larger social gatherings that we had over the course of those years. It made opening Christmas cards a wild ride.

From what I understand it is very unusual for men to file when both partners have college educations or more, too.

I think men in their 50s want to have their cake and eat it too (the benefits of an intact family and a loving wife, plus a side piece), so when we see that women file more often, it could be because their wives aren't willing to tolerate cheating.

+1
My BIL went into full-blown panic mode when my SIL filed. He promised the sun, moon and stars but she wanted nothing to do with him after catching him in their bed with his 20-year old intern.

LOL, shocker. Once a couple is in their 50s and the kids have left the nest, why would someone tolerate this crap? It's arguably when a marriage is most vulnerable because there is no external reason like a child keeping you together, so obviously, she would leave. Hopefully, she got a good settlement after such a long marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think men are struggling more than women after gray divorces

+1. As a divorced I'll say I regret getting married. I kind of fell obliged. I just didn't want to do it. But every step of the way I felt like I had to, that's all she talked about. If I had stayed in this marriage until my "grey years" I would have been miserable AF. I am so much happier today. Women aren't the only ones who are happier once divorced. We men just don't talk about it as much as women do, but most of us are really happy as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's considered gray divorce until you're over 60. Divorce with high school kids is just divorce.

With women having their first child at 45, I am afraid a few of them have kids still in HS when they are past 60.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's common except the stuggle part.

The gray divorces I know (at least the women) are all financially secure and more than happy being single.

I think they ones that would face financial and emotion struggle are just white knuckling it and staying.

I know a few long term SAHMs who chose gray divorce, once their husbands were at retirement. They stayed during the working years, and then become financially sound by taking (rightfully) half of the retirement and savings and having their own life/retirement with more choices.

I'll never understand this tradeoff. Life is so short, I just don't understand being miserable for years and then once you are well into your late 50s suddenly you have all this grandiose plans with all this money. Travel, romance, fun sex etc all of that is more enjoyable when you are younger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

[b]

Lol why would you divorce if you are happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

What are you unhappy about in your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found that it moved through the men in my DH’s circle like a contagion. The first divorce had an affair that triggered it, but the rest all screamed post-midlife crisis. It just took a tiny bit of social permission for a good 50% of his college friend group to divorce their wives in the course of a few years. The crazy thing was that the men apparently talked to each other about it but mostly didn’t acknowledge it in larger social gatherings that we had over the course of those years. It made opening Christmas cards a wild ride.

From what I understand it is very unusual for men to file when both partners have college educations or more, too.

I think men in their 50s want to have their cake and eat it too (the benefits of an intact family and a loving wife, plus a side piece), so when we see that women file more often, it could be because their wives aren't willing to tolerate cheating.

+1
My BIL went into full-blown panic mode when my SIL filed. He promised the sun, moon and stars but she wanted nothing to do with him after catching him in their bed with his 20-year old intern.

He is a narcissist that's all. You get caught and then cry lmao. Come on now. Some of ya are really married to con artists lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

The DHs are working while you play pickleball, dine out, and vacation. So, week by week, they are still at the office slugging it out.

Most men would slow down less if they worked less.

I work full time and make as much as most husbands so I'm not playing during the day. My friends that don't work are retired. My friends are doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, engineers (like me).

Some of the H's are disable, some are retired, some still work. But they are not slugging it out at the office. They work at home, go to the gym, play golf and pickleball just not with their wives.

Many are just happy to sit in front of their TV Th-M watching sports now that football is back .

This is the type of moronic stuff that keeps me coming back to DCUM every years.

Yes, Virginia, all men sit on a couch four days a week watching sports.

She said "many are just happy to sit in front of their TV ..." not all, and she gave examples of what other men do, too - she said "work at home, go to the gym, play golf and pickleball just not with their wives."

Do you know how to read in context? Did you miss the part above where she said men slow down and don’t do much?

Men slow down faster than women with respect to social gatherings, they are talking about going out as couples. They mentioned Fourth of July in the Super Bowl as events. Men might go out with with their wives otherwise their less social.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

What are you unhappy about in your marriage?

Right now? The mulching has not been completed.

Living separate lives is fine with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

You keep making blanket statements about how all couples are, what all couples do, and now about how men are as they age. My earlier post was meant to point out that your experience, although expressed as an absolute universal one, is definitely not. You just clearly have a different kind of friend group than my spouse and I do - we have seven different couples that we vacation with every year, four from the DMV, and none of them have the kind of (crappy) relationship you describe. I’m sorry all those women are not in fulfilling relationships, but it’s pretty unlikely that in each case it’s the husband’s problem (I’m a woman, btw).

You are lucky/blessed/picked a good partner. How many of your happily married friends have had to work through significant life events or conflicts, like infidelity, the death of a child, bankruptcy, addiction, blended family situations, etc? How many have significant value conflicts over money, religion, sex, parenting, or family of origin issues? I feel like marriage is sooo hard, and the ones that make it share some key commonalities, including foremost shared values, but also, many come from high-functioning families, where their parents modeled a good marriage for them.

You’re talking to somebody who has friends that clearly don't feel comfortable sharing their real life with her. She probably just has acquaintances and calls them friends.

I wonder if your friends really share with you their unhappiness or you are extrapolating. I know someone who also claimed that all the marriages she knew were unhappy. What was really going on, her friends were sharing with her some tidbits of their lives, and she concluded that they must be suffering terribly because if it were happening in HER relationship, SHE would suffer forever. Needless to say, she had wildly unrealistic expectations as far as relationships go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

You keep making blanket statements about how all couples are, what all couples do, and now about how men are as they age. My earlier post was meant to point out that your experience, although expressed as an absolute universal one, is definitely not. You just clearly have a different kind of friend group than my spouse and I do - we have seven different couples that we vacation with every year, four from the DMV, and none of them have the kind of (crappy) relationship you describe. I’m sorry all those women are not in fulfilling relationships, but it’s pretty unlikely that in each case it’s the husband’s problem (I’m a woman, btw).

You are lucky/blessed/picked a good partner. How many of your happily married friends have had to work through significant life events or conflicts, like infidelity, the death of a child, bankruptcy, addiction, blended family situations, etc? How many have significant value conflicts over money, religion, sex, parenting, or family of origin issues? I feel like marriage is sooo hard, and the ones that make it share some key commonalities, including foremost shared values, but also, many come from high-functioning families, where their parents modeled a good marriage for them.

You’re talking to somebody who has friends that clearly don't feel comfortable sharing their real life with her. She probably just has acquaintances and calls them friends.

I wonder if your friends really share with you their unhappiness or you are extrapolating. I know someone who also claimed that all the marriages she knew were unhappy. What was really going on, her friends were sharing with her some tidbits of their lives, and she concluded that they must be suffering terribly because if it were happening in HER relationship, SHE would suffer forever. Needless to say, she had wildly unrealistic expectations as far as relationships go.

We are friends we’ve been sharing the ups and downs of life for decades. I didn’t say my friends were suffering. I said they don’t hang out with your husband’s. Everybody’s extremely happy about this by the way.

Most of the suffering happens when the kids are at home and everything’s crazy.

Now it’s just quiet. They do their thing their husband’s does his thing.