How much $$ are the Grooms parents expected to contribute to wedding costs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do groom's parents still pay for rehearsal dinner only or split the wedding costs? What is normal now?

This isn't 1940 misogynistic era where bride's family spends a fortune on feeding 500 people and groom's family give a small dinner to 20 people. It should be 50-50 of total expenses. That is if both set of parents want to and can afford to spend. Weddings can be simpler, nobody needs to go broke.

[Anonymous]

We know many muddle class, single income SouthAsian families who blew up their retirement to make kids happy or to impress immigrant community assuming children would help them in old age and were very disappointed when kids couldn't or wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parent of the partner who needs the marriage more pays.

What do u mean by 'needs marriage more?'

Not PP, but if the groom is a man-child who has trouble staying employed, his parents may want to pay for a wedding to make him someone else's problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Very few weddings are $250k, even in UMC DMV circles. I don’t believe you.

I assure you that you are wrong. Since last September I attended (or know bride or groom’s family for) four. My DD is in two in the next year. Many, many weddings in the DMV are $250k or more. Ask any local wedding planner, or stop by any of the local country clubs or luxury hotels.

The average wedding cost in Bethesda is around $50k. Potomac trends higher at $80k for 200 guests…add in flowers, entertainment et al and let’s say you get to $125k.

It’s safe to say that some weddings cost $250k…but many, many is probably hyperbole.

No way those #s are accurate post COVID. I was getting quoted $40K for a restaurant buyout wedding for 40-60 people in DC and that excluded extras like flowers.

Zero chance you can do 200 guests for $125K in this area unless you’re doing it over an hour outside of the metro area and not on a Sat night.

Median traditional Hindu Indian wedding is DMV runs from 200K- 350K. I have gone to one wedding that cost upwards of a million dollars in DMV. But, mostly it is between 200-300K. Mainly the cost is because there are - several pre-wedding events before the wedding. These pre-wedding events are usually bigger than regular American weddings, even with smaller guest count (ours was very small. Just 250 guests). Open bar, top shelf booze, flowers, cakes, traditional sweets, extensive menu, gifts for relatives, bridesmaids and groomsmen clothes, cocktail hour, several lunches, several breakfasts, several teas, at least 3-4 dinners, top DJ for every event, baraat, dholki, henna, pundit, videographers, photographers, drone photography, different decorations for different events, gifts, rooms at the hotels). It is akin to 3-4 big weddings.

And there are still many families that will spend huge amounts on 24K or 22K gold jewellery, as a way of wealth transfer to the newlyweds. I am not even counting that because I think this is an asset for life that is given to the newly weds. Indian women in India have 11% of the overall gold in the world as personal jewelry. This is generational wealth that gets passed on. Then, there are tons of people who try and make it smaller, but even those pared down Indian weddings cost a lot.

https://www.washingtonian.com/2015/09/13/how-indian-weddings-in-america-became-so-amazing-and-so-pricey/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We know many muddle class, single income SouthAsian families who blew up their retirement to make kids happy or to impress immigrant community assuming children would help them in old age and were very disappointed when kids couldn't or wouldn't.

I have not heard of even one such "muddle" class family. They must really be muddled. In my Indian-American Hindu community, there are many adult children who are paring down their weddings because they insist on paying for it themselves, instead of their parents paying for it. Also, when Indian-Americans marry other Americans, they may decide to go very low key and use their money to buy a house. But, South Asians are from multiple countries. So, maybe there are muddled people from other countries.

I also have not heard of a single Indian-American family where they depended on their children to take care of their retirement. Mainly because these people were not the usual poor parents living in villages of India. Most of them who have come to US are professional people in STEM fields and have always earned a lot. Indian-Americans are the richest group in the US and their average HHI is highest in the country. So, the statement that they will depend on their children to take care of them in their retirement is laughable. These are rich and highly educated immigrants. Also, thankfully, there is no pressure to show-off in their immigrant community in the US for Indian-American parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parent of the partner who needs the marriage more pays.

What do u mean by 'needs marriage more?'

Not PP, but if the groom is a man-child who has trouble staying employed, his parents may want to pay for a wedding to make him someone else's problem.

Huh? You do understand that any marriage can end, right?

But, are you specifically talking about someone here? Halala offspring marrying cousin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have sons and daughters. We have paid for college/grad school and so far wedding for one DD. The groom’s family did not offer to help pay for anything for the wedding, but did host a welcome party. Cost-wise, those two events were not at all comparable, the wedding was more than 10x the cost of the welcome party. We are fine contributing to all kids’ weddings, but we are lucky and can afford it. Our experience cemented for us that we will not treat our sons differently - I did not like that it was assumed we would pay (my DD did not feel entitled to this and was extremely appreciative throughout the process).

I do think in UMC families in the DMV the bride’s family still usually pays for the entire wedding, and all three families I know who hosted in the last year or are currently planning mention $250k as the “number.” Of course, some of these weddings are for 250 or more guests. It’s an absurd amount of money and I find myself hoping these are lasting marriages.

Very few weddings are $250k, even in UMC DMV circles. I don’t believe you.

Indian weddings last a week, and have tons of different gorgeous outfits amd feast after feast

What percentage of the DMV throws lavish Indian weddings?

I think a good portion in our Indian-American circles at least. Actually, almost everyone we know. It's a wealthy diaspora and emotionally and culturally ok to spend big bucks for children's weddings.

DMV, Texas, California, Chicago, Boston, New York, New Jersey...these are areas of big Indian communities on both coasts and these are the big spenders for Indian weddings. If the weddings are not happening locally, then they are going to destination wedding locations in India or Europe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you asking this as the groom's family? Ask your son what he thinks. But I do think it is outdated to assume that the bride's family will pay for 100% of the wedding.

If the bride's family is paying, it's almost always because the bride's family is significantly better off than the groom's, and by paying for the wedding, they can drive more of the decisions (like the location, the venue, the guest list). I've had girlfriends whose father offered to fully pay ONLY if they hosted in their hometown and they turned it down.

No. Why would you ever think that you know anything about weddings and how they’re done.

It’s a long standing tradition that the bride’s family pays for the wedding and the groom's family pays for a dinner and maybe a honeymoon. Many families have dropped these traditions for a thousand different reasons. Many families also still follow tradition.

My father paid for the wedding and my father in-law paid for honeymoon and dinner. Both of our fathers are very traditional and wouldn’t have it any other way. My husband and I made all of the decisions without interference. We will continue the tradition.

So many cynical people.

And in turn, you will be a free caregiver for your parents. The joke will be you once that happens.

Huh? Not every one has toxic parents and dysfunctional families. Whats wrong with you? Who made you so butthurt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is crazy. I had an advanced degree and a career when I married DH. Unless you're marrying off your kids fresh out of college, why on earth are you paying for their party?

Because it's tradition, and it's an act of love. I appreciate that my parents gave me a beautiful wedding and I will do the same for my children.

+1 I could have paid for my wedding myself (about $100k) but my parents were happy to pay for it, it's a tradition. It meant I could put the $ elsewhere and not use up my savings at the time. It was the best day and they truly enjoyed it as well.

My DH parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, around $10k.

I am also South Asian but different from the other PP and my DH is not from the same culture.

[Anonymous]

DH’s dad is an “old dad” worth something like $50M and he refused to offer us any money for a wedding because he said it was traditional for the bride’s family to pay (of course we didn’t ask directly but DH’s Mom did the digging for us. She said he balked at even the idea of it because of his generation). My dad is about as middle class as you can get so that wasn’t happening for us.

We eloped instead and when the parents complained about not being able to show their friends elaborate wedding pictures or invite their friends to “celebrate us” we said oh well sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Very few weddings are $250k, even in UMC DMV circles. I don’t believe you.

I assure you that you are wrong. Since last September I attended (or know bride or groom’s family for) four. My DD is in two in the next year. Many, many weddings in the DMV are $250k or more. Ask any local wedding planner, or stop by any of the local country clubs or luxury hotels.

Honest question: How are parents able to afford to pay $250k for a wedding and still offer a couple hundred thousand for a down payment for a home? (Especially after paying $400k for college). Maybe folks make more money than I realize?

Indian-American parent here. This is the tale of several generations of educated parents who helped their offsprings by saving modest amounts of money and pooling resources so that every subsequent generation did better than before.

- Grandparents paid for the college of our parents and their wedding. They took care of their own retirement. Families lived in joint-families, so there was no pressure to build new homes. People lived in their ancestral homes and just kept building extra rooms when someone got married. Food came from the fields so people were able to subsist well. There was no concept of assisted living or daycares. The old and the very young were looked after by the whole family.

- My parents and ILs paid for our college and our wedding. They also lived in a self-sufficient manner in Govt jobs, with their pensions, some generational wealth and investments. Both my dad and my FIL - also educated several younger siblings and nieces and nephews. They paid for college and they got their siblings married as well as nieces and nephews married. So there was a sense of responsibility that the rising tide will raise all boats.

- DH and I, immigrated to US for high paying STEM careers. We did not have student debt and did not pay for our wedding. We started saving for our retirement, kid's college, wedding of kids (even before the kids were born) from our first paychecks.

- We lived below our means. There were significant savings because of these few things - no student debt, lowest mortgage on SFH, no childcare cost (I became SAHM after DC2), no eldercare or monetary help given to parents or siblings, no private schools, minimal college costs since kids went to public flagship on $$$$ merit. No, we did not pay 400K for our kids college.

- Our kids do not have student debt, wedding cost, car costs, cost of setting up first home, down payment for home. They have been investing money since their first year in college. Over the years, relatives and friends have given them cash for all occasions. The combined amount was given to them when they went to college as seed money to invest. Their unused 529 was converted to their Roth, all internship money was put for retirement and investments. They are welcome to live with us for free so that they can rapidly build a nest egg.

- In short, they have to learn to pay themselves and their future children first from their first paycheck. This kind of discipline and awareness also hopefully makes them attracted to people similar to them - those who can delay gratification, are family oriented, can plan for the future and work hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH’s dad is an “old dad” worth something like $50M and he refused to offer us any money for a wedding because he said it was traditional for the bride’s family to pay (of course we didn’t ask directly but DH’s Mom did the digging for us. She said he balked at even the idea of it because of his generation). My dad is about as middle class as you can get so that wasn’t happening for us.

We eloped instead and when the parents complained about not being able to show their friends elaborate wedding pictures or invite their friends to “celebrate us” we said oh well sorry.

Wow! What a shame. He is not going to take this money with him when he dies. Eventually the money will come to you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you asking this as the groom's family? Ask your son what he thinks. But I do think it is outdated to assume that the bride's family will pay for 100% of the wedding.

If the bride's family is paying, it's almost always because the bride's family is significantly better off than the groom's, and by paying for the wedding, they can drive more of the decisions (like the location, the venue, the guest list). I've had girlfriends whose father offered to fully pay ONLY if they hosted in their hometown and they turned it down.

No. Why would you ever think that you know anything about weddings and how they’re done.

It’s a long standing tradition that the bride’s family pays for the wedding and the groom's family pays for a dinner and maybe a honeymoon. Many families have dropped these traditions for a thousand different reasons. Many families also still follow tradition.

My father paid for the wedding and my father in-law paid for honeymoon and dinner. Both of our fathers are very traditional and wouldn’t have it any other way. My husband and I made all of the decisions without interference. We will continue the tradition.

So many cynical people.

And in turn, you will be a free caregiver for your parents. The joke will be you once that happens.

What’s wrong with giving your parents care if they need it? Typical American, materialistic and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Very few weddings are $250k, even in UMC DMV circles. I don’t believe you.

I assure you that you are wrong. Since last September I attended (or know bride or groom’s family for) four. My DD is in two in the next year. Many, many weddings in the DMV are $250k or more. Ask any local wedding planner, or stop by any of the local country clubs or luxury hotels.

Honest question: How are parents able to afford to pay $250k for a wedding and still offer a couple hundred thousand for a down payment for a home? (Especially after paying $400k for college). Maybe folks make more money than I realize?

Indian-American parent here. This is the tale of several generations of educated parents who helped their offsprings by saving modest amounts of money and pooling resources so that every subsequent generation did better than before.

- Grandparents paid for the college of our parents and their wedding. They took care of their own retirement. Families lived in joint-families, so there was no pressure to build new homes. People lived in their ancestral homes and just kept building extra rooms when someone got married. Food came from the fields so people were able to subsist well. There was no concept of assisted living or daycares. The old and the very young were looked after by the whole family.

- My parents and ILs paid for our college and our wedding. They also lived in a self-sufficient manner in Govt jobs, with their pensions, some generational wealth and investments. Both my dad and my FIL - also educated several younger siblings and nieces and nephews. They paid for college and they got their siblings married as well as nieces and nephews married. So there was a sense of responsibility that the rising tide will raise all boats.

- DH and I, immigrated to US for high paying STEM careers. We did not have student debt and did not pay for our wedding. We started saving for our retirement, kid's college, wedding of kids (even before the kids were born) from our first paychecks.

- We lived below our means. There were significant savings because of these few things - no student debt, lowest mortgage on SFH, no childcare cost (I became SAHM after DC2), no eldercare or monetary help given to parents or siblings, no private schools, minimal college costs since kids went to public flagship on $$$$ merit. No, we did not pay 400K for our kids college.

- Our kids do not have student debt, wedding cost, car costs, cost of setting up first home, down payment for home. They have been investing money since their first year in college. Over the years, relatives and friends have given them cash for all occasions. The combined amount was given to them when they went to college as seed money to invest. Their unused 529 was converted to their Roth, all internship money was put for retirement and investments. They are welcome to live with us for free so that they can rapidly build a nest egg.

- In short, they have to learn to pay themselves and their future children first from their first paycheck. This kind of discipline and awareness also hopefully makes them attracted to people similar to them - those who can delay gratification, are family oriented, can plan for the future and work hard.

Whenever Indian immigrants tell their stories all I can think about is caste system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These day most couples pay for their own wedding festivities.

Not in my WASPY family. Parents are still paying for everything. It is a way to "transfer" wealth. It is like helping out with the downpayment for house.

not in my WASPY family. My sister just got married and she paid for her own wedding because my parents gave us all substantial down payments for homes.