Maintaining friendships?

[Anonymous]

My DD is struggling with maintaining friendships. She is super outgoing and very funny and makes lots of acquaintances quickly. 1-2 week summer camps are her jam and other kids seem super into her in those circumstances. But she has no close friends and even her acquaintances at school seem strained at times. We understand she's been doing a bit of one-upping other kids when she feels self-conscious and is thus making kids feel bad. She can also be bossy and police the behavior of other kids, which brings on a ton of negative attention from those kids. We are working on these specific behaviors.

More generally, though, I think DD would benefit from some really clear direction on how to build lasting friendships and how to be a better friend. And also how to identify unhealthy friendship dynamics, because she has also had some of those and stayed in situations that were not good for her. I've found some books online but to be candid, maintaining friendships is something I have struggled with too, and so I want to make sure she's getting good advice.

DD is 12 and has ADHD, with lower processing speed relative to everything else, but has a high IQ. So she's a little all over the place with her ability to understand things. Sometimes she's extremely observant beyond her years. Other times she's behind like this. It's chaotic for her and I really want to help her. She's in therapy for anxiety, and has made great progress this year, but the friends thing is still an issue. She's sad and knows something is off but doesn't understand what or why.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I should add that where I'm really struggling is that I don't know how much of the advice for adults here really applies to kids. For example, I know now that I should be remembering details about people's lives and asking about them. (I set reminders to do this because it's otherwise out of sight, out of mind for me -- DD gets the ADHD from me). I know that I am supposed to listen and ask questions of people and keep the conversation balanced. I know that people want to feel like they are cared for, and cared about, and I know how to do many of the socially-appropriate adult things to make that happen.

But I have no idea whether it's the same for tweens. Help.

[Anonymous]

Same thing, DS on the spectrum and not good at reading the room nor initiating conversations. I’m afraid he’s going to get teased and not understand that he’s being teased. We’ve been trying to help him make sense of social situations more. He has a nice group of friends of, other kids who aren’t overconfident and jock-y, but it sounds like he or two may be moving away or changing schools.

[Anonymous]

Has she been evaluated for autism? You're describin my late dxed daughter to a t.

But either way - this program is wonderful: https://sgroups.com/peers/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23528445578&gbraid=0AAAAA9SA39Qf_rt0dH1TU09GHVcf_lPrj&gclid=CjwKCAjw2rrQBhBuEiwAarLWHTG2INabP-F06iQDLTEFnlraFQ6myMPZ0QaBPII0vmvc8kqkNkjjmxoC7GgQAvD_BwE

[Anonymous]

My daughter's friendship difficulties are a little different, but we did PEERS in 6th grade and found it really helpful. We did it at CAAT, but there are other providers -- just make sure that wherever you go has a high enough volume to put together groups of kids at similar levels. https://caatonline.com/peers-social-skills-groups/peers-for-teens/

[Anonymous]

Just here to say my DS was like this at this age. A couple years later, he really blossomed. He reaches out to people and makes plans after school and does a much better job at 15! We did do social skills classes and had small groups over periodically modeling how to make social plans etc

[Anonymous]

18 year old (ASD/ADHD) is similar. Makes friends quickly because she's "cool" and funny, and loses them very quickly - almost exclusively due to the "policing" you've described. She's both very insecure ("sorry, I can be socially awkward - omg, why did I say that. Are you mad?") and paradoxically is unforgiving of other's slight mis-haps or anything that she perceives as disrespectful of her. When I try to give her feedback on this behavior, she says "I'm not going to allow myself to be trampled upon!" She feels that she needs to confront people on their behavior constantly. She causes a lot of drama, and I'm really afraid she's going to become one of those exhausting adults we all know that we need a break from in the lunch room so sneak out without inviting. I'm hoping she'll grow out of it with maturity, but it's heart breaking because she desperately wants friends and can't see this behavior clearly.

[Anonymous]

She needs a social skills class that will break down the components of friendship for her.