Is HE the AH?

[Anonymous]

I have a coworker who lost her husband unexpectedly last year. She has 2 middle school aged kids. Honestly I’ve been kind of impressed watching her keep everything going because I can barely manage life with 2 adults in the house sometimes.

Anyway she recently went to Vegas with a friend for a concert that sounded kind of once in a lifetime and I was excited for her . I mentioned it to DH and his immediate reaction surprised me. He said it sounded irresponsible for a single mom to leave her kids and take off work in the middle of the week to go to a concert.

I was honestly kind of shocked by the reaction and it’s really been bothering me since. I know someone watched the kids, maybe grandparents or a friend, I didn’t ask details. She also travels for work a few times a year but when I mentioned that he said “that’s different.”

I don’t know. Is he the AH here or is this actually irresponsible and I’m looking at it wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a coworker who lost her husband unexpectedly last year. She has 2 middle school aged kids. Honestly I’ve been kind of impressed watching her keep everything going because I can barely manage life with 2 adults in the house sometimes.

Anyway she recently went to Vegas with a friend for a concert that sounded kind of once in a lifetime and I was excited for her . I mentioned it to DH and his immediate reaction surprised me. He said it sounded irresponsible for a single mom to leave her kids and take off work in the middle of the week to go to a concert.

I was honestly kind of shocked by the reaction and it’s really been bothering me since. I know someone watched the kids, maybe grandparents or a friend, I didn’t ask details. She also travels for work a few times a year but when I mentioned that he said “that’s different.”

I don’t know. Is he the AH here or is this actually irresponsible and I’m looking at it wrong?

Yes he is the AH for having a different opinion than you do..That's against the rules. Divorce immediately.

[Anonymous]

I mean Erika Kirk is never home with her kids, and isn't she supposed to be the epitome of widow?

[Anonymous]

Yes of course it’s reasonable and healthy for everyone, and especially a widow who is unexpected thrust into the role of being a grieving single parent while constantly having to try to hold things together for her kids, to have the opportunity to take time for themselves.

If this was something she was doing on a regular basis or within a few months of her husband’s death then yes it might be irresponsible, but after 1.5 years taking a few days for herself to take what is almost certainly a much needed break with a friend (assuming the kids are safe with a trusted family member or friends) seems more than reasonable.

I don’t think it’s weird at all that this is still bothering you. Your husband sounds incredibly judgmental, likely has a healthy dose of ingrained misogyny, and is definitely TAH here.

[Anonymous]

Ehhh.
No trips to Las Vegas for you OP

[Anonymous]

Has he ever had a vacation without the kids (work travel doesn't count)? Have you 2 ever gone away without the kids? This comes off like a bratty "I'm jealous I can't do it so I'm going to trash talk her" situation.

[Anonymous]

I kind of agree with him - like, if the single mom posted on DCUM, I bet a lot of people would judge her harshly for leaving her kids during the school week, and also consider work trips different. But I'd never say that to the woman or anyone who would repeat it to her. Your husband was only saying it to you though, which isn't that bad, since you're his spouse, he's expressing his private thought, which he should feel comfortable doing. What he thinks isn't terribly sympathetic but I imagine a lot of people would feel that way. If I were the mom in that case, I wouldn't leave my kids for that. His perspective could be centering the kids vs the mom, or it could be misogyny. I don't know him and you do, so you know what his general attitudes are like.

[Anonymous]

What if her husband was still alive and the two of them took the trip to LV to see a concert, leaving the kids with the grandparents for a few days? Would that have been wrong?

Your DH seems to think she should spend the rest of her life sitting at home in a black taffeta dress. That's not the way life works.

[Anonymous]

No, it’s not irresponsible if she’s otherwise a good mom. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first.

Different story if she’s like Erika Kirk, like PP mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not irresponsible if she’s otherwise a good mom. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first.

Different story if she’s like Erika Kirk, like PP mentioned.

She can’t be a good mom. A good mom doesn’t leave her kids in the middle of the school week to go party in Vegas.
My initial reaction not knowing more details would be a big red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not irresponsible if she’s otherwise a good mom. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first.

Different story if she’s like Erika Kirk, like PP mentioned.

She can’t be a good mom. A good mom doesn’t leave her kids in the middle of the school week to go party in Vegas.
My initial reaction not knowing more details would be a big red flag.

It’s fine. I leave to go see shows 2-3 times a year.

It often makes you a better parent, you come home refreshed

[Anonymous]

Unless you’ve been widowed, working and holding your kids lives together, you have zero grounds for judgement.

And if you’re judging, step your behind up and offer to help with concrete items/plans the next time you have a prematurely widowed parent appear in your world. Also keep an eye out for close friends who suddenly think she’s about to husband poach.

It is a miserable place to be.

[Anonymous]

I do not judge her. It’s good that her children have other adults in her life who care and she is able to enjoy herself for a few days.

Secretly we believe that all mothers must martyr themselves at all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if her husband was still alive and the two of them took the trip to LV to see a concert, leaving the kids with the grandparents for a few days? Would that have been wrong?

Your DH seems to think she should spend the rest of her life sitting at home in a black taffeta dress. That's not the way life works.

It wasn't just a trip with a friend, it was a trip to Vegas with a bestie. The inference is that she was going to be getting drunk, spending lots of money, possibly gambling a lot, but definitely trying to find hook ups for casual sex. That's why OP was trying to sell a trip to Vegas as an innocuous form of recreation to her husband, and here. He wasn't buying it. Op has an ulterior motive of going on a similar girls gone wild trip without her husband and was trying to soften him up for it. If he agrees it's ok for the widow to do it, then he can't object to his own wife doing it. That's why to OP he is the AH. He shut the idea down and now she won't be able to do something similar.

Given the circumstances, I would absolutely support her in going to Vegas to do all those things if she wants. Being verbally supportive doesn’t imply that the DH would think OP is asking for the same permission. He’s the AH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s not irresponsible if she’s otherwise a good mom. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first.

Different story if she’s like Erika Kirk, like PP mentioned.

She can’t be a good mom. A good mom doesn’t leave her kids in the middle of the school week to go party in Vegas.
My initial reaction not knowing more details would be a big red flag.

Maybe you’ll get to be in her shoes one day and we can tell you what a shitty mom you are to take a couple of days to yourself after holding everything together for everyone. You’re a horrible person.