Dating people from other cultures

[Anonymous]

I’m a white American woman, and for the last couple years I’ve been dating men from other cultures and really enjoy it.

However, a common theme that pops up within the first few dates is their parents. Often parents have a lot of input on who they marry, and it’s pretty clear they would not approve of me since I’m not from their culture and don’t fit what their parents want (such as not wanting kids, even though many of these guys say they don’t really care about having their own kids, it’s mostly for their parents). One guy I dated even said that he’s never married because he would have to “go to war” with his parents to marry an American woman.

Is it even worth it to keep dating these guys? I know there’s the stereotype that they’ll string you along for months/years then dump you for someone their parents approve of, and I don’t really want to waste my time. But it also feels weird to me to dismiss them, even though the parent thing seems to come up every time.

[Anonymous]

If you want marriage no it is it worth dating these guys. They will ultimately marry from their culture.

Even Princess Diana could not get the Pakistani surgeon to marry her after she fell in love with him. He ended up marrying a younger Muslim woman from Pakistan.

[Anonymous]

I am from “one of these cultures” and I would NEVER marry someone that beholden to mommy.

Do you think it’s tolerable for the woman they actually do marry? No. One of my cousins married a guy like this and I’ve watched his family make her life miserable for 20 years. No thank you.

There’s culture and then there are people who use “culture” as an excuse to behave in ways that are totally pathological. The guy who has to go to war with mommy to marry you is from a “culture.”

[Anonymous]

You would not be happy with a guy like this anyway because of broader cultural differences.

[Anonymous]

I am from “one of these cultures” and I went against my family to marry my DH. It took 2 years of intense drama for them to agree. Everyone now gushes over him decades later. If they’re hiding behind mommy’s skirts then they’re not the right person for you.

[Anonymous]

They’re having fun dating you until they marry someone their family approves of. This kind of behavior is tolerated and even encouraged in certain cultures as just young men sowing their wild oats. Know the score and don’t waste your time if marriage is your goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would not be happy with a guy like this anyway because of broader cultural differences.

+1

They are telling you who they are and how it will be. It does not sound like you will be happy long term with the men you dated. I am from another culture and always knew that you married the man, and his family with all the pros and cons that go with that. It's not a negative, but you need to know and accept what you are getting yourself into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want marriage no it is it worth dating these guys. They will ultimately marry from their culture.

Even Princess Diana could not get the Pakistani surgeon to marry her after she fell in love with him. He ended up marrying a younger Muslim woman from Pakistan.

Well, I mean, she kicked it.

I think about her every day and cry, still. (Former youbemom users will get that joke).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from “one of these cultures” and I would NEVER marry someone that beholden to mommy.

Do you think it’s tolerable for the woman they actually do marry? No. One of my cousins married a guy like this and I’ve watched his family make her life miserable for 20 years. No thank you.

There’s culture and then there are people who use “culture” as an excuse to behave in ways that are totally pathological. The guy who has to go to war with mommy to marry you is from a “culture.”

+100.

[Anonymous]

I am from one of the "other culture". I believe and have experienced that the culture and environment of a household/family and how the kids are raised is determined primarily by the mother. For this reason, I am ok with my DD marrying a White man, but not my DS marrying a White woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from one of the "other culture". I believe and have experienced that the culture and environment of a household/family and how the kids are raised is determined primarily by the mother. For this reason, I am ok with my DD marrying a White man, but not my DS marrying a White woman.

This is awful . So much misogynism
What’s making you believe white women are not good fit for your son ?

[Anonymous]

OP I am from one of these cultures. I married out. If the guy is an adult with a spine, he will stand his ground. Truly what are these parents going to do about an adult child who does not live at home and is financially independent if they "disobey" their parents? Most don't want to lose their child and they will adjust. Mine were pretty conservative growing up but by the time I was 30 I was living my own life. My parents get along great with my DH and have even stayed with us for stretches to help out with kids.

These guys sound really weak or they are using it as an excuse. Some of the families are close minded for sure. But it's not a monolith. It's fine to ask about it early on so you are not wasting time.

[Anonymous]

Find out early on in the dating relationship what the deal is. But also know that even apart from parents, cultural issues can pop up down the road unexpectedly, like ideas about how to raise children.

[Anonymous]

I married a Taiwanese guy. His parents were not thrilled (at all), but would have created drama with any DIL anyway, and he didn't care. It helps if parents live abroad and don't speak much English. You'll never have a close relationship, but you never really need to deal with them directly. It's not perfect but works for me.

Why do you think you prefer to date outside your own community, OP? Is it something that you need to work out internally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from one of the "other culture". I believe and have experienced that the culture and environment of a household/family and how the kids are raised is determined primarily by the mother. For this reason, I am ok with my DD marrying a White man, but not my DS marrying a White woman.

It's this. This is the conventional wisdom for a reason -- it's mom who determines what gets transmitted culturally. You don't know how powerful your programming and values are until you have a kid of your own and you repeat what you learned.