Ex still hitting our teen kids
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Anonymous
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We have three teens: a 16-year-old daughter, a 15-year-old son, and a 13-year-old son. The situation is that my ex still physically disciplines the kids in his home and we share 50/50 custody. It’s not constant, but it happens often enough to be super concerning — and when it does happen, he doesn’t seem able to control his anger.
It’s also not great because they’re at an age where they really shouldn’t be getting hit at all anymore. Their behavior is different from when they were younger, and they can generally be reasoned with. It also feels like the intensity has increased over time. Our 15-year-old son doesnt (rarely) experience physical discipline — mostly yelling — because he is the one who listens and complies the most. Our 13-year-old son experiences physical discipline such as ear twisting, slapping, pulling, and being hit with a hanger (lasting a couple minutes). This tends to happen more frequently (sometimes every few weeks), typically when he talks back, says no, has an attitude, is loud, doesn’t follow directions right away, or pushes back on expectations like chores, bedtime, or stopping games. Our 16-year-old daughter is also subjected to physical force such as slapping, grabbing, pinching, etc. For her, incidents are less frequent — sometimes months between — but still occur, often during larger conflicts when she argues, refuses something she is required to do, has an emotional outburst (for example, in February she had a significant outburst (damaged a wall) that escalated he responded by hitting her and resulted in an eye injury to her), or doesn’t comply (another example was in April when she didn’t want to go somewhere she needed to go). The last incident before that was likely around July. He mainly uses his hands, but sometimes uses a clothing hanger, and it feels like the force increases when he escalates. The bigger issue is that he has significant anger issues and doesn’t seem able to stop once he escalates, with little to no remorse afterward. The pattern seems to be about control and compliance. If they immediately do what he says, things are fine. If they don’t — even normal teen behavior — it can escalate into physical discipline. They know this isn’t okay, but also worry about making things worse or escalating conflict. I’m not sure what to do to help my kids. I do tell them to try to listen to limit conflict, but I don’t know how much I can actually do to prevent this from backfiring. What can I realistically do here? They are teens — it doesn’t feel appropriate for them to be physically disciplined like this at all at this stage. I’m struggling with how to protect them while not escalating things further, especially given the 50/50 situation and that my ex is a very angry person, I’m worried for their safety because he can’t control his anger. Location: VA |
Anonymous
| He's abusive and you are describing assaults, not discipline. Get your divorce lawyer involved and try to get full custody of these children. |
Anonymous
| This is one of the situations I would definitely escalate and involve the courts if he doesn't want to listen to reason. Maybe hit him with a hanger a couple of times. I bet you he sees things from your perspective a little bit easier. |
Anonymous
| Not understanding. If you are scared for their safety, why aren't you calling the police? |
Anonymous
+1000 OP, this is beyond any reason. Call your attorney TODAY and read what you have written to him/ her. You spell it out very well here. This is something that is not going to go away or get better over time. You have to stand up for your kids. Do not delay on this. |
Anonymous
| Sounds fake |
Anonymous
That’s what I plan to do, I’m just very worried about them, and how this could affect them in the meantime. Like I said, I’m also worried about going to court with him, he believes this is all reasonable, and our kids are afraid of him. |
Anonymous
It is not reasonable. You should definitely talk to your lawyer and see what your options are. |
Anonymous
I would be worried, too, but I would be more worried with inaction. I assume you have a good relationship with your attorney. You need to make it clear that this could potentially escalate into a dangerous situation for both you and the kids. I assume that attorney would be aware of support resources to help you? Can you get a restraining order against him? There are organizations that will help you think through and plan out a path to safely get the kids away from him. |
Anonymous
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Unlike most of DCUM, I think there is a difference between physical discipline and abuse. I consider what he is doing abuse.
These kids are too old to be spanked, and what he’s doing goes far beyond three light swats with a hand. Discipline should never be done in anger. It also should never harm the child. If it leaves a bruise, red mark, or any other injury, I consider it abuse. Everything you describe sounds excessive. Giving your daughter an eye injury sounds like something that could have impaired her vision for the rest of her life. If you’re worried about their safety (and I think you should be), you need to take steps to protect them. Talk to a lawyer, document everything, and ask your lawyer about involving social services. I’m certainly no legal expert, but I think the 50/50 custody needs to be replaced with supervised visits. |
Anonymous
| what id they just did what he said unless its dangerous |
Anonymous
| Eye injury? Did you go to the doctor? You will be getting a cps call soon. You need to get those kids out of there asap. |
Anonymous
| This is bad. You need to take him to court and fight for full custody. |
Anonymous
| Don’t let them return to him and call the police and CPS. They are old enough to explain the abuse. |
Anonymous
| CPS and police. They can call the police too. |