My Eating Disorder is ruining my marriage

[Anonymous]

I am in recovery for an eating disorder that I have had for 30 years. My husband was initially supportive and engaged in my treatment but after 18 months, he has become withdrawn and frustrated. I have no sex drive which is a source of tension. Meal planning and negotiating food decisions is a major source of conflict. The financial strain of all of my therapies plus accomodating my food requirements is starting to cause a lot of resentment. I need to keep at it but I feel like our marriage was so much better before. I wish I had never embarked on this treatment journey. Aside from couples therapy (we do), I am not sure what to do?

[Anonymous]

So he was ok with it when you were in the throes of the disorder but not the treatment? Doesn't sound very supportive. Do not give uo your treatment for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he was ok with it when you were in the throes of the disorder but not the treatment? Doesn't sound very supportive. Do not give uo your treatment for him.

Hmm. I suspect he's not against the treatment, he's frustrated that his wife isn't improving and that every meal has to be a battle. I wouldn't want to live with someone like that, honestly, and I'm a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was ok with it when you were in the throes of the disorder but not the treatment? Doesn't sound very supportive. Do not give uo your treatment for him.

Hmm. I suspect he's not against the treatment, he's frustrated that his wife isn't improving and that every meal has to be a battle. I wouldn't want to live with someone like that, honestly, and I'm a woman.

I imagine she's frustrated if that's the case too. It's a fraught situation either way. I imagine issues of low sex drive and battles over meals would also be the case with a wife with an active eating disorder, so stopping treatment isn't going to fix anything except the financial part, but that's pretty awful to ask your spouse to stop because it's too expensive unless you are really struggling financially.

[Anonymous]

Wow are you my sister? I just visited my sis and brother-in-law (of 40+ years) they are going through the same thing. My sis has always had issues surrounding food but at 70 years old, they are both at wits end!

He (and I) believe it's long-untreated depression stemming from a difficult childhood. She was bulimic as a child and since then it's been diets, exercises, supplements, gurus, treatments, and a few visits to the ER when she over-does it.

If you speak with him, he is ready to travel, meet new people, go out and socialize. However ALL she can talk about is her health issues and the latest supplements she's discovered.

and Despite it all she rarely has the energy to get out of the house. Her latest panacea: a device that adds a hydrogen molecule to your drinking water. Also a water distiller, a million supplements, earthing sheets, light therapies, crystals, baking soda, and that bleach solution thing that Trump was touting as a cure for Covid- yeah, she takes that. Also DMSO! Yes!

She feels she's right on track to health and healing! It's just around the corner! Every new supplement, treatment, even minor surgery! is the final key to wellness. And if you don't believe her and buy into all of it completely - there's nothing to talk about. All convo leads back to her latest health discovery. Her diet is so severely restricted it's insane, which completely excludes her from any socializing or traveling.

I'm glad I saw her and spent time with her but wow, i'm still recovering and I feel bad for them. He doesn't know what to do -they've been together their entire lives and he's afraid she'll end up very weak and ill.

[Anonymous]

OP here- he has never asked me to stop. Just noting that money is tight so I think that adds to the stress (for both of us).

[Anonymous]

Hi - I feel for you. I’m also an adult woman who has to manage and keep an eating disorder at bay and it definitely impacts my relationships. It can be extremely hard both for me and the people around me. It is a serious mental illness and it is great that you are in treatment.

What are the support networks like - for *both* of you - outside of each other and separate from the therapist? Do you have other close friends or family you can talk to and seek support from to give each other a bit of space / external meaning? Are there some other lighthearted pleasurable activities (separate from sex) like nature walks, a favorite book shop or coffee shop that you can regularly do as a shared activity but also for yourself?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried medication? Sometimes therapy just isn't right. Sometimes I think therapy keeps the issue right in the forefront and makes you keep ruminating on it.

[Anonymous]

Has your spouse learned about EDs? Have you? He needs to get educated. They are incredibly hard to recover from and there are almost always comorbidities. You need him to understand you better. I find most men will listen to what their wife tells them about things, but wont’ do any in depth research on their own. It’s disheartening to say the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow are you my sister? I just visited my sis and brother-in-law (of 40+ years) they are going through the same thing. My sis has always had issues surrounding food but at 70 years old, they are both at wits end!

He (and I) believe it's long-untreated depression stemming from a difficult childhood. She was bulimic as a child and since then it's been diets, exercises, supplements, gurus, treatments, and a few visits to the ER when she over-does it.

If you speak with him, he is ready to travel, meet new people, go out and socialize. However ALL she can talk about is her health issues and the latest supplements she's discovered.

and Despite it all she rarely has the energy to get out of the house. Her latest panacea: a device that adds a hydrogen molecule to your drinking water. Also a water distiller, a million supplements, earthing sheets, light therapies, crystals, baking soda, and that bleach solution thing that Trump was touting as a cure for Covid- yeah, she takes that. Also DMSO! Yes!

She feels she's right on track to health and healing! It's just around the corner! Every new supplement, treatment, even minor surgery! is the final key to wellness. And if you don't believe her and buy into all of it completely - there's nothing to talk about. All convo leads back to her latest health discovery. Her diet is so severely restricted it's insane, which completely excludes her from any socializing or traveling.

I'm glad I saw her and spent time with her but wow, i'm still recovering and I feel bad for them. He doesn't know what to do -they've been together their entire lives and he's afraid she'll end up very weak and ill.

Why doesn't your BIL just go and travel and do all the things he wants to do? If he's 70, he doesn't have much time left. She's been like this her whole life, and it sounds like she has a support system around if anything gets worse. He should go. It's now or never for him.

[Anonymous]

Sending you strength, OP. It’s a hard situation to be in but you are doing the right thing by seeking treatment. It will get better with time. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he was ok with it when you were in the throes of the disorder but not the treatment? Doesn't sound very supportive. Do not give uo your treatment for him.

Hmm. I suspect he's not against the treatment, he's frustrated that his wife isn't improving and that every meal has to be a battle. I wouldn't want to live with someone like that, honestly, and I'm a woman.

I imagine she's frustrated if that's the case too. It's a fraught situation either way. I imagine issues of low sex drive and battles over meals would also be the case with a wife with an active eating disorder, so stopping treatment isn't going to fix anything except the financial part, but that's pretty awful to ask your spouse to stop because it's too expensive unless you are really struggling financially.

Can you stop? Nowhere does it say that the husband has asked the wife to stop treatments. He probably imagined that the treatment wouldn't take as long, and in this he was sadly mistaken, since OP may struggle for life. It's one thing to be deeply concerned about the family's budget, and another to ask someone to stop their medical/psychiatric protocol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow are you my sister? I just visited my sis and brother-in-law (of 40+ years) they are going through the same thing. My sis has always had issues surrounding food but at 70 years old, they are both at wits end!

He (and I) believe it's long-untreated depression stemming from a difficult childhood. She was bulimic as a child and since then it's been diets, exercises, supplements, gurus, treatments, and a few visits to the ER when she over-does it.

If you speak with him, he is ready to travel, meet new people, go out and socialize. However ALL she can talk about is her health issues and the latest supplements she's discovered.

and Despite it all she rarely has the energy to get out of the house. Her latest panacea: a device that adds a hydrogen molecule to your drinking water. Also a water distiller, a million supplements, earthing sheets, light therapies, crystals, baking soda, and that bleach solution thing that Trump was touting as a cure for Covid- yeah, she takes that. Also DMSO! Yes!

She feels she's right on track to health and healing! It's just around the corner! Every new supplement, treatment, even minor surgery! is the final key to wellness. And if you don't believe her and buy into all of it completely - there's nothing to talk about. All convo leads back to her latest health discovery. Her diet is so severely restricted it's insane, which completely excludes her from any socializing or traveling.

I'm glad I saw her and spent time with her but wow, i'm still recovering and I feel bad for them. He doesn't know what to do -they've been together their entire lives and he's afraid she'll end up very weak and ill.

What? The two that water comes with aren't enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow are you my sister? I just visited my sis and brother-in-law (of 40+ years) they are going through the same thing. My sis has always had issues surrounding food but at 70 years old, they are both at wits end!

He (and I) believe it's long-untreated depression stemming from a difficult childhood. She was bulimic as a child and since then it's been diets, exercises, supplements, gurus, treatments, and a few visits to the ER when she over-does it.

If you speak with him, he is ready to travel, meet new people, go out and socialize. However ALL she can talk about is her health issues and the latest supplements she's discovered.

and Despite it all she rarely has the energy to get out of the house. Her latest panacea: a device that adds a hydrogen molecule to your drinking water. Also a water distiller, a million supplements, earthing sheets, light therapies, crystals, baking soda, and that bleach solution thing that Trump was touting as a cure for Covid- yeah, she takes that. Also DMSO! Yes!

She feels she's right on track to health and healing! It's just around the corner! Every new supplement, treatment, even minor surgery! is the final key to wellness. And if you don't believe her and buy into all of it completely - there's nothing to talk about. All convo leads back to her latest health discovery. Her diet is so severely restricted it's insane, which completely excludes her from any socializing or traveling.

I'm glad I saw her and spent time with her but wow, i'm still recovering and I feel bad for them. He doesn't know what to do -they've been together their entire lives and he's afraid she'll end up very weak and ill.

You're describing a high-functioning autistic person whose passion/interest is centered on weight control and wellness. It is classically autistic to obsess over one "hobby" and exclude all other activities.

Any time you're dealing with an obsessive personality, you have to ask yourself if autism is actually at play. Autism cannot be treated, but the associated anxiety that helps develop OCD and obsessive focus can be treated, and therapy can be implemented, one that is centered on developing self-awareness and knowledge of social expectations.

[Anonymous]

I can only imagine the hell her husband is going through. Visited a friend with a similar disorder: everything surrounding food was a huge stress and high maintenance. I was barely able to survive for a few days. And people like that get repulsive sexually when they have symptoms, no offense.

You need to let him go and get well or go to a clinic