Soon to be college freshman (AuDHD) in need of social communication help

[Anonymous]

Looking for suggestions, therapists (?), been there done that stories. My late diagnosed teen DD (dx at 16) has done amazing work since then on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, managing her ADHD with school pressures, etc. And she's doing ok socially -- meaning not melting down in school in social situations. But she doesn't connect with many kids outside school, partly because they know her from before dx, when she was all over the map.

Looking ahead to college, as a bit of a fresh start. But even tho I see all the tremendous progress she has made, there are still major deficits in social communication that I worry will derail her from making connections and finding a community in college.

Basically -- I'm looking for a crash course in making friends in college for neurodivergent kids -- who have masked their entire lives and don't necessarily fall into the gamer, theater, band groups, generally more inclusive groups that are (I apologize in advance) often stereotypical for neurodivergent young people.

She has always described herself as being able to make friends, just not keep them.

She has a good relationship with her therapist, and I am asking her too. But they really focus on hardcore regulation, DBT strategies, less so the social communication part of this.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking for suggestions, therapists (?), been there done that stories. My late diagnosed teen DD (dx at 16) has done amazing work since then on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, managing her ADHD with school pressures, etc. And she's doing ok socially -- meaning not melting down in school in social situations. But she doesn't connect with many kids outside school, partly because they know her from before dx, when she was all over the map.

Looking ahead to college, as a bit of a fresh start. But even tho I see all the tremendous progress she has made, there are still major deficits in social communication that I worry will derail her from making connections and finding a community in college.

Basically -- I'm looking for a crash course in making friends in college for neurodivergent kids -- who have masked their entire lives and don't necessarily fall into the gamer, theater, band groups, generally more inclusive groups that are (I apologize in advance) often stereotypical for neurodivergent young people.

She has always described herself as being able to make friends, just not keep them.

She has a good relationship with her therapist, and I am asking her too. But they really focus on hardcore regulation, DBT strategies, less so the social communication part of this.

Thanks!

I have a daughter with a similar diagnosis. We tried the social skills classes and groups many times, and honestly, they don't work. Kids don't learn to be friends with a therapist or in a class; they learn from being around other kids. I believe that Camp Akeela in Vermont has a summer "Beyond Akeela" program that helps kids with HFA prepare for college. The kids live together, participate in internships, etc. It teaches them the life skills and interpersonal skills they need for college.

I don't know if this helps at all, but my kid is really involved in school. She participates in class, plays sports, she's involved in theater. etc. But she doesn't text her classmates or hangs out with on weekends. She needs to recharge her batteries. Her cup gets full pretty fast. Is you daughter socially isolated, or is she just not as social as a NT kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking for suggestions, therapists (?), been there done that stories. My late diagnosed teen DD (dx at 16) has done amazing work since then on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, managing her ADHD with school pressures, etc. And she's doing ok socially -- meaning not melting down in school in social situations. But she doesn't connect with many kids outside school, partly because they know her from before dx, when she was all over the map.

Looking ahead to college, as a bit of a fresh start. But even tho I see all the tremendous progress she has made, there are still major deficits in social communication that I worry will derail her from making connections and finding a community in college.

Basically -- I'm looking for a crash course in making friends in college for neurodivergent kids -- who have masked their entire lives and don't necessarily fall into the gamer, theater, band groups, generally more inclusive groups that are (I apologize in advance) often stereotypical for neurodivergent young people.

She has always described herself as being able to make friends, just not keep them.

She has a good relationship with her therapist, and I am asking her too. But they really focus on hardcore regulation, DBT strategies, less so the social communication part of this.

Thanks!

I have a daughter with a similar diagnosis. We tried the social skills classes and groups many times, and honestly, they don't work. Kids don't learn to be friends with a therapist or in a class; they learn from being around other kids. I believe that Camp Akeela in Vermont has a summer "Beyond Akeela" program that helps kids with HFA prepare for college. The kids live together, participate in internships, etc. It teaches them the life skills and interpersonal skills they need for college.

I don't know if this helps at all, but my kid is really involved in school. She participates in class, plays sports, she's involved in theater. etc. But she doesn't text her classmates or hangs out with on weekends. She needs to recharge her batteries. Her cup gets full pretty fast. Is you daughter socially isolated, or is she just not as social as a NT kid?

PP here: My daughter doesn't mask. She doesn't stim, she makes eye contact, etc., but she doesn't have the affect of a typical 15-year-old girl. She's aware of that, but doesn't really care. She goes to a school where she's accepted for who she is, which is a smart, funny, empathetic kid. Maybe rather than trying to help your daughter mask better, find a school where she doesn't have to mask as much? You seem to want her to improve her masking skills. Is that for her, or you? Masking is exhausting. We're taking that into account as we look for colleges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking for suggestions, therapists (?), been there done that stories. My late diagnosed teen DD (dx at 16) has done amazing work since then on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, managing her ADHD with school pressures, etc. And she's doing ok socially -- meaning not melting down in school in social situations. But she doesn't connect with many kids outside school, partly because they know her from before dx, when she was all over the map.

Looking ahead to college, as a bit of a fresh start. But even tho I see all the tremendous progress she has made, there are still major deficits in social communication that I worry will derail her from making connections and finding a community in college.

Basically -- I'm looking for a crash course in making friends in college for neurodivergent kids -- who have masked their entire lives and don't necessarily fall into the gamer, theater, band groups, generally more inclusive groups that are (I apologize in advance) often stereotypical for neurodivergent young people.

She has always described herself as being able to make friends, just not keep them.

She has a good relationship with her therapist, and I am asking her too. But they really focus on hardcore regulation, DBT strategies, less so the social communication part of this.

Thanks!

I have a daughter with a similar diagnosis. We tried the social skills classes and groups many times, and honestly, they don't work. Kids don't learn to be friends with a therapist or in a class; they learn from being around other kids. I believe that Camp Akeela in Vermont has a summer "Beyond Akeela" program that helps kids with HFA prepare for college. The kids live together, participate in internships, etc. It teaches them the life skills and interpersonal skills they need for college.

I don't know if this helps at all, but my kid is really involved in school. She participates in class, plays sports, she's involved in theater. etc. But she doesn't text her classmates or hangs out with on weekends. She needs to recharge her batteries. Her cup gets full pretty fast. Is you daughter socially isolated, or is she just not as social as a NT kid?

+1. This has been my kids experience as well. Kids need to be around other kids to learn how friendships are formed, maintained, and what the unspoken rules are. Social skills groups are great for learning the ideas but they aren't always good for practicing. Scenarios are too scripted. In the wild, the other kids don't respond "the way they're supposed to"

As PP suggested, look for a facilitated long term activity. She needs the opportunity to practice, consider options, and make a decision. Then she needs the ability to reflect on the outcome of her decision--what worked well, what didn't work, what could she have done differently. Now if at the end of the day you asked me to reflect upon my interactions with others during the day and comment on it, I wouldn't be able to. I would not be able to remember the specifics. That's where the facilitators come in. They are taking notes throughout the day and have a group discussion at the end of the day. And if things get out of hand, they can step in in the moment.

PP mentioned Beyond Akeela for preparing for college. ND summer camps are also a good place to look.

[Anonymous]

I don't know where you are in the college process, but some colleges do a better job with community building than others. We chose a small school that had a lot of social supports for first year students.

Also, other things to prepare for include eating by yourself at the dining hall and using a communal bathroom. Both of these things were big adjustments for my similar kid.

[Anonymous]

Look for a PEERS group (the UCLA program). They have young adult groups. Also, college is a much bigger sea than high school and your kid will likely find many opportunities in campus to connect with other neurodivergent kids and/or find her people. The college likely has a ND student group, relevant clubs, and of course the office for students with disabilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look for a PEERS group (the UCLA program). They have young adult groups. Also, college is a much bigger sea than high school and your kid will likely find many opportunities in campus to connect with other neurodivergent kids and/or find her people. The college likely has a ND student group, relevant clubs, and of course the office for students with disabilities.

I would look for a school that has this, if possible. I wound up at the University of Oregon specifically because they had one center on campus & one off campus for those of us that needed support and accommodations. It served as both academic support and social connection resource. I would have been lost without it.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to your situation. My son was in the same boat and many of the same challenges you mentioned. We ended up using an ADHD coach. It made a huge difference. They worked together over the summer and continued during his first year of college this year. The coach has been wonderful and she came highly recommended. It’s not a quick fix, but over time it can be very beneficial. It was for us!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are doing a lot of affirming work in supporting her so far! It is important that the social connection also be her goal, because a lot of AuDHD individuals don't want the connection and are fine on their own. Of course, helping them realize the balance of this is important, and educating them on how isolating may lead to having less of a support system and friends in the future is helpful information for them to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate to your situation. My son was in the same boat and many of the same challenges you mentioned. We ended up using an ADHD coach. It made a huge difference. They worked together over the summer and continued during his first year of college this year. The coach has been wonderful and she came highly recommended. It’s not a quick fix, but over time it can be very beneficial. It was for us!

I'm the op, would you mind sharing the ADHD coach's info?