11 year old with motivation challenges

[Anonymous]

Hi, would love to hear your thoughts or advice about how to help my 11 year old son with motivational challenges.

He has always had motivational challenges, but these have increased in the last few months since starting 5th grade. He's really not interested in anything other than screens/video games.

He does well in school but "hates school" and has no interest in studying or putting in effort to excel in school (right now he can coast by putting in almost no effort but I think when the workload increases in middle school he may have challenges). He rushes to get his school work done as quickly as possible, makes some careless errors, and just wants to turn it in. He does not enjoy learning and feels school is pointless. He does read at home but this has decreased in the last few months. I have noticed he avoids anything that requires sustained intellectual effort, which is one of the reasons why I feel he has ADHD. However, for the most part, he just doesn't care enough to want to do productive things.

He has no real hobbies or interests other than screens and video games. This last week with being home for a week due to the snow was terrible. He wasn't bored, he just wanted to only watch TV. His ideal day is spending the day watching TV and playing video games. I want him to do productive things with his time.

He is athletic so we started him in a sport, and he now plays on a team. However, he doesn't care about the sport and could take it or leave it. Besides the team sport he is in two other after school activities but could take or leave those, he only does it because we want him to be busy after school a few days per week so that he turns to screens less often. He has tried 10 other types of after school activities over the past 5 years, and had no interest in those either. When they ended (like chess club, robotics club) he did not want to stick with those activities. He also does summer day camp all summer where he does different fun classes. In other words, we are introducing him to a lot of different interests and opportunities, but he has not interest/motivation in any of them and all he wants to do is TV/video games. It worries me that he doesn't have anything he wants to put his time, energy, and talents into other than video games. My husband and I were not like that when we were his age. We both excelled in school, loved everything about school, and both had our individual hobbies and interests that we spent a lot of free time on.

He has friends at school whom he sits with at lunch and plays with at recess, but he never wants to meet up with them outside of school, and has not done so this year. He is able to text or call them when he wants, but rarely does.

He is working with a therapist because I want to rule out or rule in ADHD, depression and anxiety. Right now the therapist says he is not depressed, does not have anxiety, and she doesn't think he has ADHD either. She does think he has a lack of motivation, but I'm unsure of the cause.

Any suggestions or advice on how to approach this situation?

[Anonymous]

A lot of boys are like this, OP. It can be distressing but it isn’t unusual, I don’t think. Your son does have a “hobby” and has motivation for what he loves - TV and video games. Right? You just don’t think those are good hobbies (and I agree, I’m just framing this as your son probably sees things).

Try to separate your desire for him to like school from your need for him to be healthy, responsible, and independent. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that my son hated school. I didnt love school, but I did (and do) love books and learning. My son doesn’t. He loves sports and friends and video games. He is in college now, not a super selective one but a just fine one, and he is a good human being who will find his way. He didn’t have to like school to get there.

Now, your son does need to get exercise, go to school and turn in his homework, do his chores, and participate in family stuff. That all takes time that should reduce his time for TV and gaming. I wouldn’t control what he does with his totally free time, but I’d make sure he is required to do his responsibilities. Here is the thing - you can’t make someone love doing things they don’t love. You can’t make someone motivated to do something they don’t want to do. That is up to them. You’ll have to trust that your kid will find their way, and that someday he’ll use all the tools you’ve made sure he has in his toolkit.

[Anonymous]

Get him checked out for ADHD and other disabilities. What you see as lack of motivation could be a disability and it's very damaging to assume it's his fault for not trying hard enough.

[Anonymous]

You need to limit the screen time so he has to find other things to do. I know so many young men who went to college and flunked out due to screen addictions.

[Anonymous]

OP how much time is he on screens each day? 11 yr/olds don't self-regulate with screens. Screens provide dopamine. Especially if your DS has ADHD, you're playing with fire if you're giving him too much access.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of the video games and screens.

[Anonymous]

This is very common with MS boys nowadays.

[Anonymous]

You won't really know if he has ADHD unless you do a full neuropsych test, which is time-consuming and expensive. It doesn't sound like he's having problems with school or friends (check with his teachers if you haven't already). If no one is observing problems or difficulties, I would hold off on testing. (FWIW, my 13 yo was diagnosed in elementary school. He had various difficulties and the diagnosis helped clarify our next steps).

Motivation is tough. I agree with PPs that this is common. I think you're doing the right things by encouraging him to try out social and non-screen activities. It might help to adjust your expectations (most kids "hate school" and complain about getting up early/homework/whatever), accept that he loves video games (most of them do), and continue nudging him to join clubs and teams. That got easier for us in middle school because students start to settle into their extracurriculars. My kids tried all the things in elementary school but things gelled more for them when they joined the middle school clubs. Making friends in the club helps them move beyond ambivalence.

I would also nudge him to get together with other kids. Encourage him to invite friends over to game, provide good snacks. It's screen time, yes, but with social connection.