How far would you go into honoring deceased person's wishes?

[Anonymous]

This is mostly a vent, but I'd welcome your thoughts, because I have a very dysfunctional family, such that I lose track of what's normal. Plus I'm beaten down trying to deal with them.

My aunt passed away in the US. She is originally from Europe and wanted to be buried without cremation in the family plot with a church funeral. Most of her siblings, including my mother, are in the European country and they immediately started whining that the paperwork would be too much to handle, transporting the coffin would cost too much, no one could organize such a complicated thing, blah blah blah. My aunt's American husband, from the depth of his grief, is making it happen - it's very complicated. Then her siblings start bickering amongst each other about the cost. My aunt's husband then pays for everything. But he can't arrange for a church funeral. This is an out of the way spot, and someone local needs to contact the local church to call in a priest, because there are no more priests in rural villages these days: they rotate to hold mass every few Sundays. I suggest they pay the donation to the church for the mass, which is a minuscule fraction of the total cost (that they are not paying). All the siblings whine that holding a full mass is too much, not enough people will come (true enough!), they won't be able to find a priest, etc. No one has actually called the church to inquire.

I've been the go-between and translator between funeral homes, aunt's husband, consulate, in all this. Can't my relatives do this one thing? Do I need to call the church myself? My aunt's husband does not speak the language.

Also, it's just depressing how this set of siblings is just not able to lift a finger for each other when push comes to shove. It's not new behavior. They've always been like this, but I'm still shocked they wouldn't comply with the last wishes. Isn't that sacred? It's not like she asked for her coffin to be hauled up Mount Everest.

Sigh. I'm so done with these people.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, going through a lot of this right now with my mom and her siblings (one died this week). It's incredibly frustrating. My moms siblings each have a spouse with alzheimers, and they live close together, yet they will not share information, resources, doctors, caregivers or assisted living info with each other. What's the point of even having family if you're not going to support each other when you need it most?

You didn't ask, but I did want to share that my MIL died in a different country, and it was too complicated for the family to have her body transported, so she was cremated, and her remains were sent to her home country and buried with her husband.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Having a body and coffin shipped overseas is a bit much.

[Anonymous]

If the only thing is the local church, can one of the AI tools find someone to contact? Use translate?

[Anonymous]

Ask them if they will want someone to carry out their wishes after they've died. Ask if they've set aside money for said wishes to be carried out and if not, who exactly they expect will pay for them.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Her husband is being amazing. Kudos to him.
If they can’t get their shit together overseas thats sad. How much effort would your Aunt have wanted? I’m from Europe and would never expect to have my body shipped back, That’s a crazy expense. Assumimg your Aunt wouldn’t think it would be this much hassle maybe she’d be ok being buried here? Or cremated her and ashes taken back? If no one else is stepping up there the husband can make his own choices and do what he thinks is best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is mostly a vent, but I'd welcome your thoughts, because I have a very dysfunctional family, such that I lose track of what's normal. Plus I'm beaten down trying to deal with them.

My aunt passed away in the US. She is originally from Europe and wanted to be buried without cremation in the family plot with a church funeral. Most of her siblings, including my mother, are in the European country and they immediately started whining that the paperwork would be too much to handle, transporting the coffin would cost too much, no one could organize such a complicated thing, blah blah blah. My aunt's American husband, from the depth of his grief, is making it happen - it's very complicated. Then her siblings start bickering amongst each other about the cost. My aunt's husband then pays for everything. But he can't arrange for a church funeral. This is an out of the way spot, and someone local needs to contact the local church to call in a priest, because there are no more priests in rural villages these days: they rotate to hold mass every few Sundays. I suggest they pay the donation to the church for the mass, which is a minuscule fraction of the total cost (that they are not paying). All the siblings whine that holding a full mass is too much, not enough people will come (true enough!), they won't be able to find a priest, etc. No one has actually called the church to inquire.

I've been the go-between and translator between funeral homes, aunt's husband, consulate, in all this. Can't my relatives do this one thing? Do I need to call the church myself? My aunt's husband does not speak the language.

Also, it's just depressing how this set of siblings is just not able to lift a finger for each other when push comes to shove. It's not new behavior. They've always been like this, but I'm still shocked they wouldn't comply with the last wishes. Isn't that sacred? It's not like she asked for her coffin to be hauled up Mount Everest.

Sigh. I'm so done with these people.

Quit relying on worthless people to do what needs to be done.

Honor the wishes and do it yourself. Complaining isn't helping.

[Anonymous]

Yes you should call the church. They sound worthless I’m sorry. Very kind of your uncle.

[Anonymous]

See if the consulate can help you with the funeral back in the home country of a deceased citizen. Give them the village with the church and see what they can find wrr who to talk to. Maybe they can even do a 3 way call.

[Anonymous]

I will never understand people who make these requests. Do they not realize how expensive it is? Do they not realize what a hassle it is? You're going to decompose one way or the other. Just get decomposed in the USA via cremation and have someone ship your ashes to be buried or spread in your mother land.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry op. I get it. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having a body and coffin shipped overseas is a bit much.

And yet, the husband is handling it, so it's being done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand people who make these requests. Do they not realize how expensive it is? Do they not realize what a hassle it is? You're going to decompose one way or the other. Just get decomposed in the USA via cremation and have someone ship your ashes to be buried or spread in your mother land.

They set aside money for it. Most deceased relatives are greedy-scum though and will just pocket the money and throw granny in ditch.

[Anonymous]

Just call the church directly. They can walk you through the options.

Also, be open minded about the mass request. If it's not someplace she's lived in a long while, they may be right on that one.

The priest might offer to do a short service at the gravesite instead which could be just as nice and perhaps more in line with the inclination of the family.

These people are probably pretty old. They're not going to change now. They do seem a little stuck, but again, what are you going to do?

But also, it is indeed asking a lot to ask them to manage the transfer of a body. Or even to pay the fee for the mass. I would never have asked that of my parents' siblings.

That said, when my father died my uncle did pay for a mass in his hometown even though his ashes were interred elsewhere, so of course he paid. Generally, the person who wants the mass said pays.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would call the church myself. It seems so minor in the scope of everything that needs to happen to make this work. I would want to support my aunt's husband and also help to honor her wishes.