How to scale back friendship with friend’s spouse without scaling back relationship with friend?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
One of my friends and I have developed a good relationship with each other, and as such our spouses are also good friends. The four of us hang out often, the kids get along great, and it’s overall been a very fun ride. I would consider the dynamic of the four of us almost like brothers and sisters.
My friends spouse can be pretty offensive and rude with a lot of his jokes toward people, including my friend and me. Their dynamic is their dynamic, so it’s not my business, but I’m starting to feel hurt by some of his jokes and comments toward me. I let a lot of things go, but it’s just starting to really bother me. Me speaking to him or her about it won’t change anything - he’s very much stuck in his ways and will not change for anyone. I feel like my best bet is to change the dynamic/closeness my relationship with him. How can I do that without changing the overall group dynamic as well as the dynamic between me and my friend? Are there any other options I haven’t considered? |
Anonymous
|
Does your husband take offense? "Hey, don't call my wife a w**re" could be effective.
Is he only like this when drinking? If so, no more dinners together. Otherwise, just make plans for you and the woman and tell DH why you don't want to be around the husband. |
Anonymous
|
OP here. DH doesn’t take offense. He thinks I’m being overly emotional about it but says I should just change the dynamic of the relationship if I can’t take the banter.
He’s not like this only when drinking. This is his personality 24/7. It sucks because I do genuinely enjoy the group dynamic most times, but I feel like the jokes are turning into jabs and as time goes on, it seems to be worse. |
Anonymous
|
the next time he says something you find offensive, look him in the eye and calmly, politely say “I dont find that amusing.”. do it a few times. hopefully his wife will hear it and reinforce it later (‘maybe Larla is oversensitive but you’ve upset her several times. try harder.’).
if that doesnt work, stop hanging out with him if you cant take it. |
Anonymous
| I have a similar issue with some friends and acquaintances’ spouses (in one case it’s the wife that is the annoying one). I would just plan one-on-ones with your close friend and leave her spouse out of it. Otherwise, stand up for yourself and don’t be bullied by his jokes, tell some of your own and give him a taste of his own medicine. This is how you have to shut a bully down, make him feel real dumb and embarrassed in front of the group, I bet you he will not try you again. I know it’s petty, but you have to get creative with some people. Also, what does your spouse and friend think about it? |
Anonymous
|
OP here. All makes sense. I hate to come back with jokes to make him feel dumb and embarrassed because that’s not who I am but I do understand that’s how you take a bully down.
Spouse thinks I’m being sensitive and believes the guy isn’t being rude. Not really sure what my friend thinks but I’ve heard her on many occasions give him looks when he says things about other people, including herself. |
Anonymous
| Do you laugh to be polite? If so, I’d stop laughing and just look at him. If he says “can’t you take a joke?” or whateve, you can say with all sincerity, “Larlo, lately your comments have become more and more like jabs and less and less like jokes. Are you ok?” And then if he says he’s just kidding, can’t you be honest and tell him “I’m not really loving this style of humor. For me it’s gotten kind of old.” And then just smile and see what he does with the information you’ve given him. |
Anonymous
Be very careful to not say "it hurts my feelings when ..." because that makes it easy for people to say you're too sensitive or emotional. You need to say "That's not okay to say to women." "How would you feel if someone said that to/about your daughter?" If he starts the "you can't take a joke" trope look him dead in the eyes and say "if you say something funny, I'll laugh. But that wasn't funny, it was just crass and cruel. It says more about you than me." And tell your husband that AS your husband, he needs to back you. That's part of the unspoken vows he took at the wedding. |
Anonymous
| Nope. I ghost those people. |
Anonymous
| It is called two women meeting for lunch. |
Anonymous
| Can you give us an example of what he is saying,? I ask this because your DH doesn't agree with you. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Masking to reveal identity, he said my hairstyle choice was awful and kept sending pictures of it to the group while laughing/making jokes. |
Anonymous
|
You have a husband problem OP. I can't believe this man made jokes about your hair and shared it with others and your husband didn't say anything to him... Yikes. I'd ghost both of them. This wife is trash too as she didn't think that was rude of her man? She didn't speak up? Ask him to stop? Have a side Convo with you on that? ICK! |
Anonymous
OP here. I felt all of the things you shared. The only excuse I can think of for my friend is her DH is always like this and she likely just thinks it’s a joke. She probably did say something to him 1:1 (I’ve seen her do this often) but since we all do have a playful relationship, my guess is she didn’t think I was upset. Either that or she’s a butt hole too. Lol. She has lost friends because of her DH’s behavior. This is nothing new. My DH can lack emotional consideration often, but his rationale is that I allowed the dynamic, so I should scale it back if I don’t like how far the guy goes. He’s also a big proponent of not caring what other people say or think, so as such, he thinks I’m overreacting. |
Anonymous
Wow. I'd be done with him, too. |