Gentle parenting a teen?
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Anonymous
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It seems like a lot of parents are now using this philosophy to raise their children. I can see how it may work with some younger children. But I’m having trouble envisioning how it works with a teen. Not being judgmental - I have two very different kids who need different styles of parenting. What works for one family or child may not work for another.
Is there any research on gentle parenting outcomes or on success with teens? |
Anonymous
| Have fun picking up your kid at the police station if you do gentle parenting. |
Anonymous
| Children younger than 13? Maybe. Children older? No. These are the ages of peer pressure, and when kids hide things from you. If you are gentle, it will give an impression that no matter what they do they will be easily forgiven. |
Anonymous
Let me reframe that. They will be under the impression that they will not get a lot of consequences. |
Anonymous
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I think the problem is that gentle parenting has no formal definition.
Some people define it as "not spanking your child," others define it as "never punishing your child" and still others as "only expressing positive statements and never saying no." So, it really depends on how you define the term. |
Anonymous
Why wouldn’t you forgive them? Discipline should be used to teach, not to exact vengeance. What can they do that’s not forgivable? That doesn’t mean “free from consequences.” |
Anonymous
Didn’t see your reframe before I posted; I’m glad you clarified. |
Anonymous
| I haven’t read any studies backing up gentle parenting. I think it’s all based on vibes. |
Anonymous
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This is actually a really good question. Obviously there is no one parenting bible that works for all kids. But I actually find now that my kid is a teen that certain “gentle” concepts are actually more important- because it is a more emotionally tumultuous time and they are less attached to parents. So those times that they do want mom - or when we have a conflict - it is much more important to be warm and gentle to maintain the connection and a positive household. To the extent that “gentle” means validating a child’s emotions, I think that is also even more important for a teen if you want them to listen to you and tell you what is going on.
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Anonymous
| I think this is one of those where it 100% depends on your kid. My brother and DH could have been gentle parented as teens because they rarely did things they would need to be disciplined for. I pushed limits and boundaries all the time so gentle parenting never would have worked on me. |
Anonymous
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Depends on the teens you have. And it’s a process that starts from when they’re very young. My teens are very well behaved, but it’s been a long road of being consistent and have boundaries and expectations and routines.
So now if they make a poor choice it’s a discussion first and then we go from there. They won’t often repeat. We don’t have to ground them because they make decent choices. Poor tones or attitudes are always from them being hungry tired or anxious, so we talk about proper tone once they’re feeling more like themselves. We have good relationships with them and we are open and honest. I’m not afraid to apologize to them and so they can to us. I don’t think this is something you just turn on or off at their age. |
Anonymous
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I think there are a lot of parts of gentle parenting that are helpful with teens, including:
Consistent age appropriate boundaries Parental self regulation Connection Understanding the why behind behavior Treating the child with the same respect you'd want to receive Helping to teach communication, self-control and emotional regulation There's obviously a balance needed and not everything works the same for all kids. But I've seen lots of benefits flow from finding moments of connection with my teen, consistent boundaries, staying calm when there is conflict, and showing my teen respect. |
Anonymous
+1 My kids are younger (4 and 5) and I actually think gentle parenting is pretty terrible for kids these ages at least as far as discipline. They need some simple boundaries and consequences to learn proper behavior. So we do 1-2-3 Magic, ie timeouts, and my kids are about a thousand times better behaved than all their "gentle parented" friends who are just having endless "conversations" with mom and dad while they misbehave. Yes, we talk about and validate emotions, but unacceptable behavior gets a consequence, and I'm not particularly concerned if it's not "natural" or "logical" or how my kid feels about it. However, looking ahead to the teen years - your relationship and natural consequences are basically all you have. You can talk to them and guide them and listen to them, and they're going to make some bad choices, and that's life, but working on connection and empathy with them seems loads more impactful at those ages. |
Anonymous
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I have three kids, two in college and youngest is a sophomore in high school.
I don’t think of it as gentle parenting but I very very rarely have to punish my kids. We have house rules (treat others with respect, phones in the kitchen at night, times to be home, rules about the car, homework, chores, etc). But it is very rare that they don’t follow them, and when they don’t we talk about why, and why it is important that they do. I truly can’t remember the last time I punished any of my kids. By contrast they sat in timeout a lot as toddlers. |
Anonymous
| Look up authoritative parenting. It seems to fit better than gentle parenting most of the time. |