Friendship in my 50s is hard
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Anonymous
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I'm 52. Married, job, 2 kids in college (second left this fall), one a junior in high school and the last one is pretty independent.
I've always been social and have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances and a few very close buddies. I'm warm, friendly, low key, etc. I'm recently found myself with more time and have been reaching out with friends who are empty nesters, etc and while they are always so happy to hear from me ("thank you so much for thinking of me. I have so much time and no plans. It's so good to hear from you. Yes, lets get together") it's always one off. Or they cancel outright. Or I try a second thing (a few months later) and they cancel. Or can't do it. I am not being overwhelming or demanding. And when we're together they often say "wow, I am so lonely. I have much time" and yet there is some weird gulf between these feelings and the ability to actually reach out or engage. I kind of get it---It's a lot for me to reach out to engage to. What is up with this? Before you say, "they're just not that into you", well maybe. But I know for a fact that many don't don't spend time with anyone. I look at my college aged kids in comparison and friendship for them is so easy. They make plans and they are reciprocated. They send texts and they're returned. It's all so easy. And yet here we all are at age 50, lonely and yet unable to make the effort for others. I long for genuine friendship (not deep or intense) but it just seems so darn hard if not impossible. Everyone is lonely (studies show this again and again, people share this) and yet no one can consistently make the effort. 
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Anonymous
| Hi Op, have you try getting a small group get-together? It seems most matured women enjoy more than 3 or 4 vs one-on-one! |
Anonymous
| What about having a routine? Like a book club, or season tickets to the theatre? Then you're in the habit of getting together on a regular basis. |
Anonymous
| It's hard. I find that people who do best with friendships as older people just focus on having their walking friends, book club friends, restaurant friends...Personally not at all into group dynamics as I get lost in those as a quiet person, so that rules these things out. |
Anonymous
I am the opposite. I can do a small group gathering but my preference is 1:1 unless the group has just the right balance of personalities. With groups, there are sometimes group politics that I am less and less willing to deal with as I get older. The exception is is if we are engaged in an activity. If we're taking a class, going for a hike, playing tennis or pickleball, the group is great and actually takes the pressure off because you'll usually have varying ability levels and it makes the activity feel more social and easy. If I'm going for coffee or dinner though, I'd rather just meet up with one friend. I want to hear what they are up to without the dynamics of other friendships influencing what we discuss. I like my established vibe with my existing friends. |
Anonymous
| What about the "salon" model - once a month invite a group of people over and whoever can make it will come? |
Anonymous
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Join things! Volunteer! Expand your circle.
You also may overestimating the level of “friendship” with the people you’re trying to connect with. Perhaps they don’t see you as close as you perceive. |
Anonymous
I have a friend who built a massive friend group doing this. Like there were 200 people at her milestone birthday party last year. However, it is not a great way to form deeper bonds with people. For that you really need opportunities to dig a bit deeper with people. Maybe OP could apply the idea of regular interactions but to smaller groups or 1:1? Like tell friends you are making a plan to do a different hike in the area once a month fro the full year, and see if 1-3 friends will join you in it. If it's more than 1, more of a chance at least one of them comes each time. And the sense of accomplishment might help with a sense of closeness and bonding. |
Anonymous
Same experience. I prefer 1:1, but I have to initiate in groups and I also get invited to small group gatherings. |
Anonymous
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OP, my three kids are the same ages as yours, so I get it.
Take a look in this forum at the "Do you love to sing?" post that I posted recently (and replied to this afternoon). The chorus has made me feel so welcomed and fulfilled, for more than 10 years. It's so healthy to have a regular commitment to a group of people with whom you want to make something beautiful, together. And it is FUN. |
Anonymous
| I see almost no one by choice. Most people I know are nice enough but don’t really enrich my life adequately to offset the cost of stopping my own personal activities I enjoy to make it worth it. I have a very small, tight and real circle. I don’t need someone to talk to about gossip, their kids or exercise routines. |
Anonymous
There are many people like this but it doesn't take much for the very small circle to fall apart. All that has to happen is for someone to move, someone to get sick, someone not to be able to drive and there you are. |
Anonymous
| I have always thought that DC is a place where it is very easy to meet people but very hard to find a good friend group. People just don't stop to have coffee or a backyard b-b-que or whatever. And, people only like to do what they like to do (walking, running, politics, pottery, whatever). So, I think the best way to meet people is to join some activities that allow for small groups to get to know each other and then that can translate into doing things together outside of the activity. |
Anonymous
| I’m an introvert and I always joke with my extrovert friends that we are the perfect pair. They have so many friends that they don’t fire me out. But they know if they ask me for drinks about every 3-4 weeks I’m available. So I think you just need to be more persistent with scheduling. Also if your get togethers are not fun that may be the issue. |
Anonymous
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I'm 51 - I have a couple of friend groups text chains, and when someone finds something fun to do they text the group and whoever can make it comes. It's never the whole group, but there's usually 4-6 of us who can make it. That makes for better 1 on 1 conversations, and leads to more outings or things to do. Can you start a group around a shared interest with some friends?
Examples that I can think of from my life that could create good groups around a shared commonality: Neighbors Parents of kids that played sports with my kids growing up People who play the same sport/ do the same activities as me at the same time (like tennis or pilates) - these get-togethers can happen right after the activity! People from church People from philanthropic stuff my family does Alums from same college grad year Alums from same grad school grad year |