My capacity for my husband’s crass jokes is gone

[Anonymous]

My husband does not seem to understand that I have changed in the 20 years we have been together and that my capacity for his crude and crass jokes has gone in perimenopause. For example, we found out he may be getting a big promotion at work recently. In the course of a conversation about that and the excitement of it, he casually says, “so if I make another X grand, does that get me a blow job?” Needless to say, I didn’t respond well (I’m sick and on my period to boot). He got pissed, and I said, “what kind of response were you looking for?” His reply was, “a normal joking response, like, of course, honey!”

He makes crass sexual comments like this frequently to me. He is also very handsy, eg grabbing my butt, etc. When I was younger, before kids, this didn’t bother me as much. I liked the attention, it made me feel desirable, or I thought it was usually funny, and I figured he was a bit immature and would outgrow it. But somehow, after 2 kids, tons of stress, breastfeeding, a body and life that are very different, and a sex drive that has evaporated due to aging and perimenopause, I am sick of it. I’m sick of the crass touching, now done in front of the kids. I’m sick of the crude joking comments. I don’t find it endearing anymore, and it makes me feel objectified.

He got upset the other night because we used to have sex several times a week and now it’s more like once every week or two. I said, did you really expect me to be the same person as I was 20 years ago? Apparently, he did, because his drive is still high.

Has anyone else struggled with this type of issue in their marriage and if so, how did you overcome it? Am I the one being a jerk for not responding well to his joke?

[Anonymous]

You sound fun.

[Anonymous]

He sounds immature and annoying, an unsophisticated, low IQ oaf.

I would have found a man like this irritating as a teen, in my 20s, and today. I would be so embarrassed if this were my husband. How could you EVER have loved someone like this?

He's a terrible influence on your kids.

[Anonymous]

I would ask him how he would like a guy to say/do to his daughter what he said/did to you, and ask him to definitely knock it off in front of the kids. Romantic gestures, sure, but crass inappropriate things, no way. And, go see your doctor about getting on HRT and/or vaginal estrogen. You don't need to give up your sex life as you age. - 64 and going strong

[Anonymous]

There's nothing wrong with you changing how you feel. But it's not really fair for you to respond with annoyance when you're the one changing things after 20 years. You need to have a conversation with him that's not accusatory, that's not calling him crass, that's not putting him down. Yes, he need to respect you and your changing feelings. But going about it by getting mad in the moment and approaching him like all of a sudden he's an objectifying jerk when you've been fine with that behavior for 20 years isn't the right way to go about it.

[Anonymous]

He hasn't changed. You are married to the same man you picked 20 years ago. So the problem is you.

I would hate living with someone who sucks all the air out of the room the way you do.

Singed,

Another menopausal woman who somehow managed to keep her sense of humor despite having all of the same life changes as you.

[Anonymous]

How embarrassing you both are. That's your man though OP. You married him.

You've had twenty plus years with him and his behavior is just now an issue?

Set each other free. Divorce.

[Anonymous]

do you usually give bjs

[Anonymous]

He needs to observe you better so he can tell when his advances will be welcomed or spurned. So it's not his er, sex-positive enthusiasm that's the problem, it's his inability to read the room and put someone else first. Since you are sometimes in the mood, and don't just say no all the time, he has to reframe his expectations instead of feeling unwanted.

I would tell him all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to observe you better so he can tell when his advances will be welcomed or spurned. So it's not his er, sex-positive enthusiasm that's the problem, it's his inability to read the room and put someone else first. Since you are sometimes in the mood, and don't just say no all the time, he has to reframe his expectations instead of feeling unwanted.

I would tell him all this.

Yeah, walking on eggshells because your wife is a hormonal mess is usually really good for the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband does not seem to understand that I have changed in the 20 years we have been together and that my capacity for his crude and crass jokes has gone in perimenopause. For example, we found out he may be getting a big promotion at work recently. In the course of a conversation about that and the excitement of it, he casually says, “so if I make another X grand, does that get me a blow job?” Needless to say, I didn’t respond well (I’m sick and on my period to boot). He got pissed, and I said, “what kind of response were you looking for?” His reply was, “a normal joking response, like, of course, honey!”

He makes crass sexual comments like this frequently to me. He is also very handsy, eg grabbing my butt, etc. When I was younger, before kids, this didn’t bother me as much. I liked the attention, it made me feel desirable, or I thought it was usually funny, and I figured he was a bit immature and would outgrow it. But somehow, after 2 kids, tons of stress, breastfeeding, a body and life that are very different, and a sex drive that has evaporated due to aging and perimenopause, I am sick of it. I’m sick of the crass touching, now done in front of the kids. I’m sick of the crude joking comments. I don’t find it endearing anymore, and it makes me feel objectified.

He got upset the other night because we used to have sex several times a week and now it’s more like once every week or two. I said, did you really expect me to be the same person as I was 20 years ago? Apparently, he did, because his drive is still high.

Has anyone else struggled with this type of issue in their marriage and if so, how did you overcome it? Am I the one being a jerk for not responding well to his joke?

Your poor husband.

Yes, it sounds like you're being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to observe you better so he can tell when his advances will be welcomed or spurned. So it's not his er, sex-positive enthusiasm that's the problem, it's his inability to read the room and put someone else first. Since you are sometimes in the mood, and don't just say no all the time, he has to reframe his expectations instead of feeling unwanted.

I would tell him all this.

Me again. My husband knows very well that I'm in the mood right before ovulation. And he can tell with unerring biological sense when that is! Maybe your cycles are completely irregular now, but perhaps you can steer the ship for the both of you and do a bit of sleuthing to find out whether it's linked to your hormones.

[Anonymous]

I wish my husband would get a big promotion. It's never happened and I still do that.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you haven't had a direct conversation with him. "I do not want you to grab my ass anymore. I dislike it, and you need to stop. The kind of physical touch I like is x, y and z." "When women enter perimenopause their libido often goes way down, as has mine. I do not have the same drive I did at 25. Here is a book about what women go through during this phase."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to observe you better so he can tell when his advances will be welcomed or spurned. So it's not his er, sex-positive enthusiasm that's the problem, it's his inability to read the room and put someone else first. Since you are sometimes in the mood, and don't just say no all the time, he has to reframe his expectations instead of feeling unwanted.

I would tell him all this.

Yeah, walking on eggshells because your wife is a hormonal mess is usually really good for the marriage.

There's a big difference between being attentive to someone, and walking on eggshells. Sounds like OP's husband has never learned to attend to his wife's cues.