End of friendship etiquette

[Anonymous]

Wdyd when you'de love to still be friends with someone but throughout the years it's pretty clear you're not getting anything back? Do you just stop even wishing a happy bday and trying to stay in touch at all? What is your feeling about this if you are the party who is done with a friendship? No drama or incident at all, just living far for a long time and the other person likely just moved on. I know how to navigate this for more surface friendships (as in nobody cares that much!) but not for a very significant, strong friendship.

[Anonymous]

So they do not reciprocate at all? Just stop what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

If it’s clear I’m not getting anything back I stop making any effort. Doesn’t matter the length or depth of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Just don't do anything.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you’re actually done with the friendship? Why do you need to do any pronouncement ending the friendship or keep in touch at all if you’re done?

[Anonymous]

I just fade out and focus on the people who want to be in my life.

[Anonymous]

OP. I was in your shoes. I had a friend who had cancer (stage 1). who lived on the West Coast while I am in the East Coast. She had a mastectomy and chemo and didn't want any visitors so I never went but I was always supportive over the phone. I had health issues later but I she never bothered to call and check on me. I was always the one who was initiating and every time she would say she had to do something and cut the call after a few minutes. At one point I told her to call me when she is free and she called me after almost a year. By that point I was done with the relationship too. It just meant she moved on and I had to do the same. Now I consider her more a person whom I would call out of the blue if I wanted to. I stopped investing in this friendship. I used to call her once a year and she never reached out ever so I stopped that too. It was a sad end to a 25 year friendship where we used to call every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you’re actually done with the friendship? Why do you need to do any pronouncement ending the friendship or keep in touch at all if you’re done?

I'm not done with it at all, as in I'd gladly reconnect any time. But it feels weird to not wish her a happy bday, or ever get in touch because normally I'd do those things. So I need to decide if I should even do that considering I am getting nothing back, like it's almost humiliating if that makes sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I was in your shoes. I had a friend who had cancer (stage 1). who lived on the West Coast while I am in the East Coast. She had a mastectomy and chemo and didn't want any visitors so I never went but I was always supportive over the phone. I had health issues later but I she never bothered to call and check on me. I was always the one who was initiating and every time she would say she had to do something and cut the call after a few minutes. At one point I told her to call me when she is free and she called me after almost a year. By that point I was done with the relationship too. It just meant she moved on and I had to do the same. Now I consider her more a person whom I would call out of the blue if I wanted to. I stopped investing in this friendship. I used to call her once a year and she never reached out ever so I stopped that too. It was a sad end to a 25 year friendship where we used to call every week.

Yes, our situation is pretty similar. And that's how I felt, down to the calling and feeling like I bothered her for calling, being the one to initiate. It does make me feel sad because it was a meaningful, important friendship for both of us for decades, and I've gotten to that point of feeling like maybe all efforts, even tiny ones, are just not appropriate bc if she still wanted to hear from me she'd reach out.

[Anonymous]

I’m kinda going through this right now. I have a friend I have not seen in person since March but she texts me every few days to chat. Will suggest hanging out but never makes concrete plans and when I make plans she’s busy. I just respond less and less.

[Anonymous]

Life gets busy and people get overwhelmed by life, illness, their kids, aging parents, etc...

You don't need to do anything. Just leave it be. Stop trying but don't do anything definite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life gets busy and people get overwhelmed by life, illness, their kids, aging parents, etc...

You don't need to do anything. Just leave it be. Stop trying but don't do anything definite.

No, I wouldn't "do" anything like some sort of announcement. I'm asking if I should stop communicating entirely, including just a quick bday message on Facebook. Because that's something I find hard to do, pretend like I don't care or don't remember when I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m kinda going through this right now. I have a friend I have not seen in person since March but she texts me every few days to chat. Will suggest hanging out but never makes concrete plans and when I make plans she’s busy. I just respond less and less.

That’s strange. So she never wants to go out but still talks to you a few times a week? Are you sure she’s not depresssed?

[Anonymous]

I would keep the door open but emotionally disinvest. I've had this happen. The person was going through a lot and leaning on friends closer to her physically (we lived across the world from each other) and in circumstance (expat circles). I understood all that but it was a best friends forever kinda friend and slowly realizing I wasn't as important to her anymore as she was to me was hard.

But I'm not going to burn bridges on a 20+ year old friendship. I post on her sm posts whenever she very rarely posts. Her kids are adults now and I heart their posts whenever they very rarely post. If we had had the habit of sending cards on bdays and xmas, I'd continue with that. if I remember her birthday I'd send her abreezy hb dm.

If she ever reaches back out, I am here for old times sake, but we'll never be close again even if things change on her end. That is the nature of friendship. Emotional trust/investment broken in adulthood like this is never really repaired.

[Anonymous]

Agree with keep the door open and emotionally disinvest. I had a best friend, maid of honor level, who only ever reached out when she needed something and ghosted me otherwise. I stopped reaching out and only reciprocated when she did. The friendship is basically gone, but I would be friends in the future. People go through hard periods with kids, family, work, stress etc.