Feeling like I'm the spouse who is always "on" and keeping things in order

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's me, or maybe DH is really just self-involved and willfully ignorant, but for whatever reason, I'm the only one who notices things that need to be fixed, cleaned, signed, paid for, dumped out, you name it, I'm always the first one to find the mess or realize the kids need something addressed before a situation gets ugly.

If there's moldly food in fridge, I'm the one who has to discover it and throw it out. If there's spilled juice on the floor, I'm the one who notices it and wipes it up. If the bathroom sink is clogged, I'm the one who notices it and has to ask him to fix it. If our kid needs new shoes because they have holes or they're too small and he's complaining, I'm the one who notices and takes him shopping unless I tell DH to take him shopping for new shoes. If there's trash on our front lawn, I'm the one who notices it and picks it up and throws it out (I experimented once and did not remove a large, very obvious piece of trash in one of our shrubs for a week; DH walked by it every day and didn't pull it out, shocker). I could go on and on. But if there is something that only he cares about that specifically involves him? Then he notices and does something about it because it bothers HIM.

It's exhausting. I feel like we'd have ants and roaches and social services at our door half the time if I weren't constantly coming up from behind. I've tried to nicely urge him to notice the living situation around him and help out. He insists he'll "get to it" but never does. I'm at my wit's end.

[Anonymous]

Yes. This is me. I'm sorry, it sucks.

[Anonymous]

You are just now figuring this out? This is pretty much the exact same situation every couple finds themselves in. It’s just how it is.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this isn’t going to change.

He will agree every time you bring it up and if you ask for something specific he will happily do it, but the overall problem will remain.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It’s called men.

All you can do is make sure that you are proactively claiming time for yourself to rest and relax. That’s what men do, so you should do it too.

[Anonymous]

One person is always this person. We’re a 2 mom family and it’s me. You have to accept it or be resentful all the time. Yes it’s exhausting.
I’ve learned to delegate but the delegating still falls to me.

[Anonymous]

Have a conversation with him where you ask him to highlight things he notices that need to be done that you haven’t noticed. Maybe he also has a list or maybe he doesn’t. Either way you can then have a discussion about things on the lists. I think you need to be more problem solving oriented rather than complaining. It often leads to more change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. It’s called men.

All you can do is make sure that you are proactively claiming time for yourself to rest and relax. That’s what men do, so you should do it too.

And you should see on other boards the complaints men have about women and the things about women that are reduced to Yes. It’s called women.

I am a woman, not detail oriented and I don’t notice half the things my husband does. I am also Type B personality, laid back and little things do not bother me and aren’t a priority whereas getting them done now is more of a priority to him. I also have ADHD which probably plays a role too. It is much more about personality and relationship dynamics than sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a conversation with him where you ask him to highlight things he notices that need to be done that you haven’t noticed. Maybe he also has a list or maybe he doesn’t. Either way you can then have a discussion about things on the lists. I think you need to be more problem solving oriented rather than complaining. It often leads to more change.

I'm someone who thinks just like you do, and I have a very equal marriage. I also have a very close friend who could have written the OP and she has done everything she can to address the issue with no change. I think it's like dog breeds - some men can swim and fetch and some can't. And trying to teach a Pekinese to retrieve a duck is a lost cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If the bathroom sink is clogged, I'm the one who notices it and has to ask him to fix it.

If our kid needs new shoes because they have holes or they're too small and he's complaining, I'm the one who notices and takes him shopping unless I tell DH to take him shopping for new shoes.

I've tried to nicely urge him to notice the living situation around him and help out. He insists he'll "get to it" but never does. I'm at my wit's end.

So, when you asked him to fix the sink, did he do it?

When you asked him to take the kids shopping, did he do it?

What is "nicely urging"- a direct request or just a passing comment?

Its called communication. If you make the direct request and he does it - then this is most likely a you problem.

If he just flat out ignores your request, after you have made a direct request, that a him problem and you need to communicate about it.

I could go on and on. But if there is something that only he cares about that specifically involves him? Then he notices and does something about it because it bothers HIM.

Ever think he is sitting there doing the same thing you are? Man, I noticed this thing and SHE keeps walking right by it. I guess Ill have to do it myself again!

It's almost like you two are two separate people with your own pet peeves, your own thoughts on how things should be and what is important to you.
**Gasp**

There is a difference between wanting someone to be a mind reader and someone who is blatantly ignoring a direct request to do a specific task.

Also, people are different in the way they think. You may establish some "go forward ground rules" about noticing things more, and he or you may forget about the other person requests to do things from tie to time.

You can choose to: become resentful or communicate. I give you one guess as to what leads to a happy marriage.

It happens, people are different and you do not control the world.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all the feedback on this. I do understand the need to communicate better, but why oh why can't he notice the obvious, like the rotting food in the fridge or the dishes left on the kitchen table all night. I mean, this is his home, too. I have to remind our kid to pick up stuff or clean up his mess because he's, well, a child. But why does a 45 year old man need to be told to initiate a simple action like throwing out the old take-out HE left in the fridge two weeks ago? It's HIS. Are his eyes literally unable to detect the container of festering food on the second shelf?

[Anonymous]

Has he always been like this? If so, you knew what you were getting into

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. It’s called men.

All you can do is make sure that you are proactively claiming time for yourself to rest and relax. That’s what men do, so you should do it too.

And you should see on other boards the complaints men have about women and the things about women that are reduced to Yes. It’s called women.

I am a woman, not detail oriented and I don’t notice half the things my husband does. I am also Type B personality, laid back and little things do not bother me and aren’t a priority whereas getting them done now is more of a priority to him. I also have ADHD which probably plays a role too. It is much more about personality and relationship dynamics than sex.

You sound impossible, I am a woman and I would not want to be married to you.

I am neither Type A nor detail oriented, but I learned early in adult hood that if you don't pay attention to things and learn how to head off problems in advance or put effort into maintaining your home and the admin of life, things go to $hit. So I learned ways to get stuff done, matured, and got better at it. It is not my natural personality. It's just adulthood.

You have calcified your immaturity and lack of conscientiousness as an inborn personality trait you just can't help. You are lucky your husband tolerates it. I wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he always been like this? If so, you knew what you were getting into

Not necessarily. Life gets a lot more complicated when you have kids, own a home, and hit middle age. Often what happens is that someone will be responsible and self-sufficient but then throw in two kids, house maintenance responsibilities, declining parents, and work stress, and they will start seeing how little they can get away with. It's easier for men to do this than women because of existing gender norms, especially around kids. When dads drop the ball regarding their kids, everyone is forgiving. When moms do, everyone is blaming. So it's very easy for this divergence to occur when kids come into the picture, where the mom has to be vigilant as a survival mechanism, because other moms as well as teachers, nannies, daycare workers, and extended family, will blame her if anything goes wrong. Men quickly learn they get a lot more leeway on kid-related stuff and learn to take advantage of that leeway.

It happens all the time in marriages. I know plenty of men who were self-sufficient and responsible pre-kids, but then kids come along and their wives are doing 90% of the child admin and more than 50% of the household admin. Maybe it's reverting to patterns they saw in their family growing up, maybe it's fear of screwing up, maybe it's laziness, maybe it's a combination or something else. But it happens a lot. There may be men who throw up lots of red flags before marriage and kids, but there are also definitely men who seem to have it together and then act helpless when things get hard.

[Anonymous]

I don't know your particular situation, but you may want to reflect on whether it's really how you say it is. My DW does almost all the cooking, grocery shopping and buying clothes/etc. for the kids. She perceived this as she was taking on all the mental load. When she raised it, I pointed out that I handle all the finances (paying bills, taxes, etc.), maintain the kids schedules and do almost all the driving/arranging carpools to school/activities and help them with homework, etc., handle various services like cleaner, landscaper, things breaking, etc., and also do a bunch of the regular tasks like cleaning dishes, garbage, etc. She wasn't even thinking about those things because I was doing them.