How long does this last?

[Anonymous]

My freshman daughter is having trouble in high school and dh and I are worried about her. In middle school she had a good friend group and was friends with a lot of people. Most of her friends are at different schools now (private, application etc..). She has made some new friends but says she isn't close to them and misses her middle school friends terribly. They hang out on the weekend but it isn't enough especially with all of them having sports and activities. There have also been some complications and a couple of friendships have ended and that has definitely been hard on her. She has been getting bad grades C's and B's with very few A's and overall has a worse attitude and is procrastinating on her homework and just seems very unhappy. I know this is common since its a change but how long until she adjusts and feels like she belongs again? For context she loved going to middle school (for the most part, of course there was some complaining involved) and seemed happy there. She told me she would do anything to "get her old life back" and it breaks my heart seeing her so hopeless.

[Anonymous]

I would get a tutor to meet with her twice a week to get her grades up.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like depression. I'd consider having her see a health care provider and agree with PP about a tutor.

As far as how long it might last? My son's experience losing friends when he changed schools in 9th grade completely changed him and it was rough the entire time he was in HS.

[Anonymous]

OP I definitely understand your question, and yes overall this is a very common reaction to changes and loss of friends and all. And it's also just part of the complex growth that happens with tweens and teens.

That said, whenever people ask questions like this here, I always also wonder if you have spoken to your DD's pediatrician? The school counselor at her school? These are 2 people who literally have careers helping children grow in healthy ways and helping ot address or advise when there seems to be a problem. Have you spoken to either or both of them? And often these 2 already may know your specific child, depending on how long you've worked with them or how long she's been at a particular school. Even in a new school there may be some familiarity, but even if now, what the school counselor does know is the school itself and sometimes the "social culture" of the school.

These are 2 people you should really reach out to to learn more about not only what's "normal" vs. what's "concerning", but also to get advice or ideas on how to support your DD and how to try to motivate her to go back to taking her studies seriously and focusing on that and maybe how to deal with the friend situation.

DCUM does have a ton of wise smart people, some of them mental health professionals, but I always wonder why parents don't start with the professionals in their own lives too when they're really concerned?

[Anonymous]

I wish I had some advice but I’ve never heard of a girl having a good time in middle school. ha.

[Anonymous]

Has she joined any clubs?

[Anonymous]

It takes time to make new friends in a new HS, both of my kids switched from a public MS to a private HS, didn’t know anyone on their first day, and it took some time to form new friendships. And they played for a HS sport team, so they were “involved”.

But to really didn’t happen to them until halfway through 10th grade that they found their solid friend group.

I do like a PP’s idea about the school counselor. My kids’ private school had outstanding counselors who helped them navigate some issues. I would definitely reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes time to make new friends in a new HS, both of my kids switched from a public MS to a private HS, didn’t know anyone on their first day, and it took some time to form new friendships. And they played for a HS sport team, so they were “involved”.

But to really didn’t happen to them until halfway through 10th grade that they found their solid friend group.

I do like a PP’s idea about the school counselor. My kids’ private school had outstanding counselors who helped them navigate some issues. I would definitely reach out.

I disagree re counselors. The public school counselors aren’t good in general. I really wouldn’t trust them with anything to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes time to make new friends in a new HS, both of my kids switched from a public MS to a private HS, didn’t know anyone on their first day, and it took some time to form new friendships. And they played for a HS sport team, so they were “involved”.

But to really didn’t happen to them until halfway through 10th grade that they found their solid friend group.

I do like a PP’s idea about the school counselor. My kids’ private school had outstanding counselors who helped them navigate some issues. I would definitely reach out.

I disagree re counselors. The public school counselors aren’t good in general. I really wouldn’t trust them with anything to be honest.

We talked to a counselor in the beginning but wasn't very helpful and dd said she was rather unfriendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she joined any clubs?

Yes, she is in sports and clubs.

[Anonymous]

She needs to give herself time. It's been 2.5 -3 months. It takes time to build close friendships. She needs to remind herself to be patient, and that school is about education and that needs to be her main focus, so to prioritize getting her grades up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to give herself time. It's been 2.5 -3 months. It takes time to build close friendships. She needs to remind herself to be patient, and that school is about education and that needs to be her main focus, so to prioritize getting her grades up.

I agree with that but you have to remember that OP's daughter is a teen girl. Losing friends and starting at a new place can seem like the end of the world for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like depression. I'd consider having her see a health care provider and agree with PP about a tutor.

As far as how long it might last? My son's experience losing friends when he changed schools in 9th grade completely changed him and it was rough the entire time he was in HS.

No, it does not "sound like depression." Not everything is a mental health crisis that needs medical intervention.

It sounds like a young girl who is taking some time to adjust to a new high school and misses her old friends.

OP, is she involved in any school activities? Can you encourage her to do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My freshman daughter is having trouble in high school and dh and I are worried about her. In middle school she had a good friend group and was friends with a lot of people. Most of her friends are at different schools now (private, application etc..). She has made some new friends but says she isn't close to them and misses her middle school friends terribly. They hang out on the weekend but it isn't enough especially with all of them having sports and activities. There have also been some complications and a couple of friendships have ended and that has definitely been hard on her. She has been getting bad grades C's and B's with very few A's and overall has a worse attitude and is procrastinating on her homework and just seems very unhappy. I know this is common since its a change but how long until she adjusts and feels like she belongs again? For context she loved going to middle school (for the most part, of course there was some complaining involved) and seemed happy there. She told me she would do anything to "get her old life back" and it breaks my heart seeing her so hopeless.

But those are not “bad grades.” Earning a C is average.

Plus she’s only a freshman! I’d just give her a little space . Adolescents is a hard period of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My freshman daughter is having trouble in high school and dh and I are worried about her. In middle school she had a good friend group and was friends with a lot of people. Most of her friends are at different schools now (private, application etc..). She has made some new friends but says she isn't close to them and misses her middle school friends terribly. They hang out on the weekend but it isn't enough especially with all of them having sports and activities. There have also been some complications and a couple of friendships have ended and that has definitely been hard on her. She has been getting bad grades C's and B's with very few A's and overall has a worse attitude and is procrastinating on her homework and just seems very unhappy. I know this is common since its a change but how long until she adjusts and feels like she belongs again? For context she loved going to middle school (for the most part, of course there was some complaining involved) and seemed happy there. She told me she would do anything to "get her old life back" and it breaks my heart seeing her so hopeless.

But those are not “bad grades.” Earning a C is average.

Plus she’s only a freshman! I’d just give her a little space . Adolescents is a hard period of life.

DP. Those are bad grades. Assuming OP’s daughter isn’t in AP classes. Getting As in regular or honors 9th grade classes is pretty easy if you turn everything in and pay attention in class.

If this were my kid I’d start with talking about school. Her priority right now needs to be school and figuring out how to do better in classes- not just for the letter grade but to be actually learning. The grades you get in high school and the effort you put in does follow you to some extent and can impact what opportunities you have to moving forward after high school.

In contrast with the friends you have in high school and will likely never see again after gradation. They mean nothing. I know in those high school years they seem so important and like they are everything- but encourage her to see the bigger picture.