If your child was self centered / selfish did they grow out of it as adults?

[Anonymous]

My DD is only 9 / in 3rd grade but since as early as 3, when her little brother was born, has been very selfish and self centered - always bean counting and making sure she gets the best of everything even though she has everything she could possibly need and more. E.g. picking the “best” cupcake and hiding it so no one else gets it, hoarding toys she doesn’t even like just so her brother doesn’t get them, melting down if something someone else got is missing from her goody bag. It’s exhausting and I’m wondering whether this is something she will mature out of or whether this is likely to persist into adulthood. Interested to hear from others who may have had similar kids as to how they are now as adults.

[Anonymous]

Not yet! He’s an only, age 23. Not optimistic about this

[Anonymous]

I think that’s a universal natural tendency. At some point, they need to be taught about empathy, cooperation, social contracts, courtesy and manners, and that life isn’t fair. They also need to be taught that they aren’t an absolute monarch that the world was created to serve. As a parent, you are the primary person who should be teaching them these sorts of lessons, which most parents started in preschool. Kids don’t spontaneously grow out of selfishness at some magical age, but someone else may eventually teach them some of these lessons along the way.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your child needs some discipline and an attitude adjustment.

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

My oldest is only 16 but has evolved into a thoughtful and reliable young man. At least that's who he is now as a HS junior.

My cousin (also the oldest of 3) was selfish until well into his 20s. Now is much less so at 36. Has been less selfish for some years now.

Just continue to model correct behavior and calmly (when possible) address selfish moments. It can be exhausting, but most people see the light before they're too old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is only 16 but has evolved into a thoughtful and reliable young man. At least that's who he is now as a HS junior.

My cousin (also the oldest of 3) was selfish until well into his 20s. Now is much less so at 36. Has been less selfish for some years now.

Just continue to model correct behavior and calmly (when possible) address selfish moments. It can be exhausting, but most people see the light before they're too old.

Meant to say about my oldest: was very self-centered and almost completely unreliable thru 7th grade. I was very worried.

[Anonymous]

I had a childhood friend like this. She has had a pretty difficult life as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a childhood friend like this. She has had a pretty difficult life as an adult.

+1 my sister was like that shes a narcissist and an addict. At middle age she takes no responsibility for any of her actions or mistakes and blames everyone else.

Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

My cousin was always and notoriously very selfish and self centered. Then she lost a leg in an accident in her late 30s and it changed her completely. So there’s hope OP!

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for her future husband.

[Anonymous]

To me there is a bit of a difference between self centered and selfish.

It is very normal and developmentally appropriate for children and teens to be self centered. Their worlds are relatively small, so their own role in them is outsized. This shows more in just not thinking through larger ramifications of their actions-from something as simple as a toddler thinking “I want 2 cupcakes” without connecting it to “if I take 2 cupcakes someone else won’t get one” to the group of teens taking up the sidewalk and being oblivious to people behind them who want to get past. This is something people get better at, especially with guidance and correction.

Selfishness is more of a personality trait. You know the impact, you just don’t necessarily care or you think you deserve the outcome more than the other impacted people. I think this is much harder for people to change. Sometimes they will change-maybe because of a life experience, or because they realize their selfishness is hurting their relationships, or through some soul searching. But I think this is much harder.

[Anonymous]

Do not assume this will solve itself. Speak openly out loud about how you put others’ interests ahead of your own so you DD can see how it’s done. “I’d like the last Ice Cream, but I want dad to have it today because . . .”. Then repeatedly tell your kid you know how thoughtful she is of others’ feelings. Keep saying it until she starts acting that way. Make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin was always and notoriously very selfish and self centered. Then she lost a leg in an accident in her late 30s and it changed her completely. So there’s hope OP!

Yes, OP. She could become a peg leg and turn nice!

I feel like this would be a great Hallmark movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin was always and notoriously very selfish and self centered. Then she lost a leg in an accident in her late 30s and it changed her completely. So there’s hope OP!

Yes, OP. She could become a peg leg and turn nice!

I feel like this would be a great Hallmark movie.

Larla, The Kind Christmas Pirate

[Anonymous]

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