What’s a normal amount of time to check in on kids?

[Anonymous]

If you’re the parent who moved out during separation, what’s a normal frequency to check in on your kids?

[Anonymous]

Daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daily.

Would that be intrusive towards your co-parent? What if the kids are just in their normal daily routine and you know nothing unusual/out of routine is happening? Still check in?

[Anonymous]

The kids moved out with me. Ex tries to call after school/before dinner. Most but not all days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids moved out with me. Ex tries to call after school/before dinner. Most but not all days.

Is that annoying or do you appreciate the effort? And how do the kids feel about it? I’m assuming that for the sake of this conversation we’re both talking about kids who don’t have their own phones to independently text/call or receive texts and calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daily.

Would that be intrusive towards your co-parent? What if the kids are just in their normal daily routine and you know nothing unusual/out of routine is happening? Still check in?

Talk to your co-parent and your kids. There’s no universal rule. Is it a contentious relationship?

[Anonymous]

I facilitate a nightly phone call with my co parent if my early elementary aged child wants and there isn’t anything crazy going on (like child is extremely sick but if that were the case I would have already let ex know about it). Normally child does want to so most nights they get at least a quick chat in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids moved out with me. Ex tries to call after school/before dinner. Most but not all days.

Is that annoying or do you appreciate the effort? And how do the kids feel about it? I’m assuming that for the sake of this conversation we’re both talking about kids who don’t have their own phones to independently text/call or receive texts and calls.

A lot of things about having kids are annoying. You just put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Piggybacking on this, as the parent who did not move out and kids are with me. Should I be initiating/coordinating these check ins? Co-parent never asks for calls or FaceTimes when kids are with me, occasionally we swap pics or notes of the day. Maybe if it's been 5-7 days due to travel, but not when it's 3-4 nights during the school week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Piggybacking on this, as the parent who did not move out and kids are with me. Should I be initiating/coordinating these check ins? Co-parent never asks for calls or FaceTimes when kids are with me, occasionally we swap pics or notes of the day. Maybe if it's been 5-7 days due to travel, but not when it's 3-4 nights during the school week.

Do what is in the best interest of your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Piggybacking on this, as the parent who did not move out and kids are with me. Should I be initiating/coordinating these check ins? Co-parent never asks for calls or FaceTimes when kids are with me, occasionally we swap pics or notes of the day. Maybe if it's been 5-7 days due to travel, but not when it's 3-4 nights during the school week.

I’m also the parent who didn’t move out and who didn’t file. I initiate everything including visitation while we wait for temporary custody arrangements. DH/STBX checks in to say “tell DC good luck at soccer” maybe every two weeks? He never checks in to ask how DC is doing or if homework is done or if they can talk on the phone. I’m surprised by answers suggesting frequent contact is normal and wondering if I’m supposed to facilitate daily contact or if STBX should be trying harder or what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daily.

Would that be intrusive towards your co-parent? What if the kids are just in their normal daily routine and you know nothing unusual/out of routine is happening? Still check in?

In our co-parenting situation, the kids talk daily to whichever parent they aren't with. For the preschooler, it's a scheduled phone call near bedtime. The older kids manage the contact themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piggybacking on this, as the parent who did not move out and kids are with me. Should I be initiating/coordinating these check ins? Co-parent never asks for calls or FaceTimes when kids are with me, occasionally we swap pics or notes of the day. Maybe if it's been 5-7 days due to travel, but not when it's 3-4 nights during the school week.

I’m also the parent who didn’t move out and who didn’t file. I initiate everything including visitation while we wait for temporary custody arrangements. DH/STBX checks in to say “tell DC good luck at soccer” maybe every two weeks? He never checks in to ask how DC is doing or if homework is done or if they can talk on the phone. I’m surprised by answers suggesting frequent contact is normal and wondering if I’m supposed to facilitate daily contact or if STBX should be trying harder or what.

How old are the kids?

If your kids are old enough to initiate contact (which I assume they are if they have soccer and homework), then I would let them know you are happy to help them whenever they want to initiate, by lending them your phone, or texting to ask if it's a good time to call. If the kid doesn't reach them, I might follow up and say "Kid would like to talk. Here are some times to call them back."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piggybacking on this, as the parent who did not move out and kids are with me. Should I be initiating/coordinating these check ins? Co-parent never asks for calls or FaceTimes when kids are with me, occasionally we swap pics or notes of the day. Maybe if it's been 5-7 days due to travel, but not when it's 3-4 nights during the school week.

I’m also the parent who didn’t move out and who didn’t file. I initiate everything including visitation while we wait for temporary custody arrangements. DH/STBX checks in to say “tell DC good luck at soccer” maybe every two weeks? He never checks in to ask how DC is doing or if homework is done or if they can talk on the phone. I’m surprised by answers suggesting frequent contact is normal and wondering if I’m supposed to facilitate daily contact or if STBX should be trying harder or what.

How old are the kids?

If your kids are old enough to initiate contact (which I assume they are if they have soccer and homework), then I would let them know you are happy to help them whenever they want to initiate, by lending them your phone, or texting to ask if it's a good time to call. If the kid doesn't reach them, I might follow up and say "Kid would like to talk. Here are some times to call them back."

I’m the PP you’re replying to and my kid is 11. My kid doesn’t have a phone but I have made it clear to my STBX that he and I will only communicate via email and that my phone is reserved for DC to FaceTime or text STBX. For the first week or two, DC tried to FaceTime and text STBX but STBX was really slow to respond or always busy or said things that landed badly and made DC feel bad. I would also send times for FaceTiming but STBX was always busy.

So DC doesn’t initiate anymore. Now every two weeks or so it’s just the “hope soccer was good” texts from STBX, which DC doesn’t want to respond to because they’re so bland and vague. I remind STBX every month or so that they can reach DC whenever they want, and I say the same to DC, but it’s dead in the water. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Piggybacking on this, as the parent who did not move out and kids are with me. Should I be initiating/coordinating these check ins? Co-parent never asks for calls or FaceTimes when kids are with me, occasionally we swap pics or notes of the day. Maybe if it's been 5-7 days due to travel, but not when it's 3-4 nights during the school week.

I’m also the parent who didn’t move out and who didn’t file. I initiate everything including visitation while we wait for temporary custody arrangements. DH/STBX checks in to say “tell DC good luck at soccer” maybe every two weeks? He never checks in to ask how DC is doing or if homework is done or if they can talk on the phone. I’m surprised by answers suggesting frequent contact is normal and wondering if I’m supposed to facilitate daily contact or if STBX should be trying harder or what.

How old are the kids?

If your kids are old enough to initiate contact (which I assume they are if they have soccer and homework), then I would let them know you are happy to help them whenever they want to initiate, by lending them your phone, or texting to ask if it's a good time to call. If the kid doesn't reach them, I might follow up and say "Kid would like to talk. Here are some times to call them back."

I’m the PP you’re replying to and my kid is 11. My kid doesn’t have a phone but I have made it clear to my STBX that he and I will only communicate via email and that my phone is reserved for DC to FaceTime or text STBX. For the first week or two, DC tried to FaceTime and text STBX but STBX was really slow to respond or always busy or said things that landed badly and made DC feel bad. I would also send times for FaceTiming but STBX was always busy.

So DC doesn’t initiate anymore. Now every two weeks or so it’s just the “hope soccer was good” texts from STBX, which DC doesn’t want to respond to because they’re so bland and vague. I remind STBX every month or so that they can reach DC whenever they want, and I say the same to DC, but it’s dead in the water. It’s sad.

I am the PP. I think that parents who aren't living with their children should initiate. What you describe seems really sad, and I think you and I would agree that your STBX is doing it wrong.

But I don't think that's your issue to solve. If your kid wants to initiate, then I would help them initiate, by letting them use your phone, emailing some times, but it sounds like your kid has gotten the message that communication isn't important to your STBX, and they don't really want to initiate. I would allow them to make that choice.