Advice or support about mom with dementia wanting to move home

[Anonymous]

My mom has been in assisted living for the past year, and she's been doing much better since living there.

Mom has dementia with mild/moderate cognitive impairment. Huge short-term memory issues.

She was mostly happy with living at AL. Saying she loves the people, living close to me, having meals cooked, trips out, etc. (She would also say she wanted to move home, but not all the time.)

But she recently started a dementia medicine and I think it made her very angry and hostile. She stopped taking after about a 1.5 months. She's less angry, but she's still somewhat angry and is now adamant about moving back home.

AL adjusted her meds, but I'm stuck for ideas for how to make her content with staying at AL.

I dont want her to feel trapped. But her moving home means shes 1+ hours away from family. She can't drive (insurance said she can't drive without doctors note, and doctor won't sign off). She'd just be very isolated. Plus, there

Mom doesn't remember that she can't drive, doesn't realize she has dementia, and doesn't remember when I see her.

Looking for any ideas for mom; or support for me. I never knew it would be so difficult having a parent with dementia.

[Anonymous]

OP, just to be clear, you're not even entertaining the idea of letting her go home, right? That ship has sailed so far that it might as well be on Mars.

Other than that, I don't have much good advice other than not letting their day to day comments affect you. When dementia patients want to go "home," what they really mean is that they want to go somewhere familiar where they feel safe. But the heartbreaking truth is that nowhere is familiar anymore.

We tend to project our own healthy brains on them. "I don't want her to feel trapped." Yes, she might be annoyed that she can't leave her AL (and someday her locked memory care ward), but in 30 seconds she will have forgotten what she was annoyed about.

[Anonymous]

Of course she doesn't move home. Op, she's not mentally competent. Op, partly I jest but you don't sound mentally competent - if you don't realize this. Common' you know the responsible thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Agree I dont want her to go home, but its hard when she's so adamant and furious. I think the dementia drug helped somewhat, because she was able to call a moving truck, the police, her old doctor. Before, I dont think she would have been capable.

(She is still very confused though.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Agree I dont want her to go home, but its hard when she's so adamant and furious. I think the dementia drug helped somewhat, because she was able to call a moving truck, the police, her old doctor. Before, I dont think she would have been capable.

(She is still very confused though.)

It’s a hard no. You might have to take her phone away at some point. She could easily get scammed.

[Anonymous]

We have kept my parents at home with caregivers because they have a lot saved for retirement so they can afford it.

My father has dementia and he often says he wants to go home, even though he is in his childhood home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Agree I dont want her to go home, but its hard when she's so adamant and furious. I think the dementia drug helped somewhat, because she was able to call a moving truck, the police, her old doctor. Before, I dont think she would have been capable.

(She is still very confused though.)

You have to ask what the purpose of a drug is. Is it so she can remember more but at the expense of peace and contentedness? Or is it so she can live the best life given the worst circumstances? I favor the latter. What use is regaining a few months' worth of cognitive aptitude if she just spends that time being angry and frustrated?

[Anonymous]

Would therapeutic lying work? Meaning, you tell she is moving home as soon as it’s painted (or whatever) and she never realizes that day will never come?

It can help her calm down and feel more content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would therapeutic lying work? Meaning, you tell she is moving home as soon as it’s painted (or whatever) and she never realizes that day will never come?

It can help her calm down and feel more content.

+1. OP, is there a social worker or support group associated with the program, or one you can find? As others have said, this has nothing to do with your mom wanting to go home...she's just uncomfortable due to her decline. I think the general advice is to just say what you need to say to distract her and de-escalate the moment. But perhaps others can guide you more specifically, and give you some support.

[Anonymous]

Just say, that sounds like a good idea, lets think about it in a few weeks.

They get angry and hostile with dementia. Don't take it personally. It gets worse as it progresses.

[Anonymous]

Reframe this for yourself. For her "home" means her old life. She wants to go back to the normalcy she once knew. She's angry her life has changed. You cannot make this better by moving her.

You problem solve how to help her bloom a wee bit where she is planted. Work with the team. What has helped other residents? Is she getting outside every day and getting movement? Is there an activity she might enjoy at the AL? Ask about medication that might help if you all you see is a little decrease in anger since going off one med. The issue with meds often becomes-does it increase fall risk and is it worth the risk? Would playing her favorite music help when you visit or bringing a favorite food or showing her old photos? Would she enjoy sharing old family stories while you record her so it can be passed down the family branches?

You have to accept you cannot fix this and nothing will make her feel completely home even a move back home. All you can try to do is strategize to improve her experience and know even if something helps for a week or a month, it may all fall apart again as she ages.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you everyone. This is very helpful to read. Think mom does want to return home to the normalcy....

[Anonymous]

I think the middle stage of dementia is the hardest. The poor person feels something g is strange but can’t remember what. As the illness progresses the anxiety will go away as they remember less and less. But a warm and kind person always makes an emotional impression.

[Anonymous]

Do you think recording your visits and showing them to her would help? Also, try getting a second and third opinion from other doctors about her meds.

[Anonymous]

My dad has dementia and he wants to go to Boston. Wants a ride to the train station. The thing is he wants to go to his Boston of 1975 where he’ll find his brothers and uncles and neighborhood friends hanging out in the square etc.

I redirect and lie if necessary. Ask a question about Boston and his past and then move him right on into a conversation about what IS happening today. Let’s get the paper at WaWa and head to get a cup of coffee.

Like others said she wants to go back to her old life that’s what she means by home.