familial / sibling relationships

[Anonymous]

So my sister is a lot younger than me and our parents are deceased. She has had a lot of emotional "issues" in the past couple of years that she likes to talk about with me, our uncles, her friends anyone who will listen. During this time I had a major, life changing surgery (brain surgery). And she didn't show up she didn't call, she just sent an occasional email "hope you're doing ok" that was it. When I told her I felt she'd abandoned me her answer was "you know I dont like hospitals it reminds me of mom dying"

Any suggestions on this? I mean in terms of moving forward? I've come to the conclusion that she cannot turn up for anyone but expects us all to turn up for her (repeatedly, on a loop). Would you accept this or try in some way to modify it, or would you go NC?

Thanks

[Anonymous]

You keep supporting her like you do. She's a lot younger and she is coping with death differently. I'm sorry about your surgery. You find support for yourself somewhere else. She's family.

[Anonymous]

Accept that she’s not going to support you the same way you are there for her, and adjust your expectations accordingly. She could be genuinely clueless or simply selfish.

[Anonymous]

I’d maintain the relationship, but I’d protect my personal space. If she reaches out with her issues, I’ll listen for a bit, but I won’t invest too much time. My time is valuable, and I choose to share it with those who also share theirs.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. Your reasonable suggestions chime with my inclination. It can be so disappointing sometimes though, when I remember how useless she is in terms of reciprocal support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d maintain the relationship, but I’d protect my personal space. If she reaches out with her issues, I’ll listen for a bit, but I won’t invest too much time. My time is valuable, and I choose to share it with those who also share theirs.

I think this is a great response. I try to give my siblings a lot of grace. We all have our faults but are family and in the long run, those relationships have value. And life is long.

I think it’s understandable to be annoyed, right to tell your sister you are hurt (sometimes family are the only people who are in a good position to call others out on things like that), and totally reasonable to pull back on how much you give to supporting her. But I would not go no contact over this.

FWIW my brother who we all considered as the “selfish one” in his 20s-30s is now mid 50s and making up for all those years. There were seriously a couple decades when I maybe heard from him once or twice a year and now he calls weekly just to check in, quietly did all kinds of stuff for my ill parent before they died, and takes my kids on special trips. He still can be kind of clueless/flakey but I love that guy!

[Anonymous]

I’d limit my support and interactions w her. Her excuse was very superficial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I’d limit my support and interactions w her. Her excuse was very superficial.

OP here, yes I felt that too. And that it was very much as you say, an "excuse" not a concrete, reasonable thing at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’d limit my support and interactions w her. Her excuse was very superficial.

OP here, yes I felt that too. And that it was very much as you say, an "excuse" not a concrete, reasonable thing at all.

Exactly.

And while she didn’t have to visit you in the hospital .. She def could have called / texted / sent flowers ..

Ehhh .. She’s a user.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. Your reasonable suggestions chime with my inclination. It can be so disappointing sometimes though, when I remember how useless she is in terms of reciprocal support.

Keep supporting her and who knows one day she might blossom.