If you have successful well adjusted adult children, what did you do right?

[Anonymous]

How much of their success and well adjustedness stems from parenting and the home environment? What did you do right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much of their success and well adjustedness stems from parenting and the home environment? What did you do right?

IMO, a lot comes from expecting the kids to be responsible growing up. At levels appropriate for their age, and continuing to grow those expectations, while providing your kids with the tools to succeed.

For example, my kids helped with age appropriate chores around the house from a young age. We provided everything they needed, but we expected them to be a part of the family and contribute (without complaining all the time )

By MS my kids knew how to do laundry, cook a basic dinner, clean up and take care of the pets. We gave them more and more freedoms and responsibilities, and they knew if they did well, it would continue, if they wobbled, we might have to pull some of the freedoms back for a bit.

However, by age 13/14 we could leave the oldest home alone for the night in charge of the younger sibling (4 years younger). They knew how to order pizza if needed and safely "cook" basic meals (they are 26 now, so pre-Uber Eats at that point). They knew which adult friends/neighbors to contact if there were an issue/emergency. That grew to us leaving the 16/17 yo in charge for a week (during school year) while we adults travelled. The kids were fine, the oldest loved being in charge/responsible and was trustworthy. So was the youngest at similar ages.

What this meant was our kids had a lot of experience being "responsible" by the time they hit HS and college, so they didn't do as much "dumb things" without parents around.

We also taught them how to budget, save for a "wish item" and how to make choices of where to spend your money. If you only have $50 and you want a $200 item, we might contribute some, but they had to learn to "delay gratification" and save for it. They are now fully functioning adults, on their own, in their 20s, with good jobs. And they know how to live within a budget, what are needs vs wants, etc.

[Anonymous]

Dumb luck.

[Anonymous]

Instilling competence and confidence, plus a strong work ethic.

[Anonymous]

Being present , available to talk when they wanted to , even when it was very late or early . letting them have autonomy in choices . Loving them unconditionally when they were doing some dumb teenage stuff. laughing, dinner every night together , vacations together , and allowing them to have some self directed adventures . And luck. Giving each what they need not a one size fit all approach.

[Anonymous]

So. Much. Work. I made them a priority, and put education first and foremost, along with emotional health. That’s only the beginning.

[Anonymous]

I know this is sometimes controversial, but I believe being a stay at home parent keeps you on top of what's going on in their lives. That plus, prayer and luck.

[Anonymous]

It’s these in equal measure
The kid, their disposition, their willingness to learn grow mature take on responsibility
Our parenting which if I am honest was less than role model handling of the emotional turbulence during teen years but we hung in there and got through it
Pure dumb luck in the gene pool distribution in that our kid is intelligent and it kept a lot of possibilities open through high school college majors career choices etc.

[Anonymous]

Everything, obviously.

Jokes aside, a big part of this is luck. I know several families of 3-4 kids where 2-3 grown up kids are well adjusted but one is not. And that one was different from early on - spirited, sensitive, whatever you call it Some had some diagnosis and therapy, some didn’t. Doesn’t matter - some people just can’t deal with life like most other people do.

[Anonymous]

Take no credit and accept no blame

[Anonymous]

They come from a long line of responsible, conventional, and stable people on both sides. So I guess maybe genetics and environment.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the arena of a birds eye view- looking at my own adult kids, my friend's adult kids and hundreds of young adults whom I've taught as young adults, and many that I've taught when they were children and have now grown.

Here's the basic which we all know:
Don't enable
Don't helicopter
Don't yell too much (you will yell sometimes). Don't abuse your kids. That should go without saying.
Make sure they are held accountable for their actions, make sure they participate in household chores.
Teach how to be considerate and polite. It does have to be taught.
Encourage, don't force
Try not to get all involved in the competition- the sports, the college game, the things, the clothes...etc.
Tone down the materialism.
Enjoy your family.


Now, Here's the real stuff:
All people come with their own DNA- their personality, behavior, quirks, etc , are really just theirs. We have only so much control over who they end up being. We can provide a path, but they are the driver. It's not all about parenting. And that is everyone.

[Anonymous]

Lots of love, laughter and high expectations. A relative of mine who was a longtime teacher once told me “your kids will be the way they think you think they are” If you treat them like they are irresponsible pricks, they’ll be irresponsible pricks. You have to let them know you have faith in them that they are . . . Hard working, kind, thoughtful, Funny (fill in the blank).. The messages you send through your words and actions r powerful.

[Anonymous]

For mine it was recognizing and acknowledging their disabilities and securing support and services. Being an involved Parent and tireless advocate during school years. Using our financial resources to get the care
And services they needed to the point where it hurt. Expecting success to the level of their capabilities which involved Researching realistic options for employment and education and helping them explore and choose a path. Providing support but not taking care of them or enabling them as young adults. Doing the hard things like removing financial support when they were wallowing and not living up to their abilities.

And we have had a great life along the way. My kids are not what most would consider successful. But they have rocked it out of the park. And My family is the greatest cheerleaders of each member.

[Anonymous]

Pay attention to the other people in their lives. Encourage friendships with kids who come from families with similar values and discourage interactions with people who can teach your kids bad habits. Even if it means cutting out relatives that may dislike you (and are negative towards your kid as an extension).