Surprise!

[Anonymous]

We are flying cross country to celebrate Thanksgiving with my spouse’s family. This is usually a medium-sized celebration with spouse’s immediate family plus cousins and an aunt and uncle. The cousins have kids around our kids’ ages and they get along and are excited to see each other when they can. In passing, MIL mentioned that all of the cousins, their families and aunt and uncle are going out of town and won’t be there so it will be just spouse’s immediate family and no other kids. Our kids are disappointed and I’m annoyed that MIL didn’t mention that there would be no extended family before we booked the trip. Spouse is also annoyed. Would you be? We are passing up a larger family celebration with my family to be there. We might have flip flopped and gone there for Christmas instead if we had known but plans are now made and we can’t back out of Christmas with my family.

[Anonymous]

It’s annoying, but it is what it is.

Maybe the plans changed after you booked? I’d probably try not to get too hung up on the situation

[Anonymous]

Did she even know this though? And in her defense, if she did, maybe she didn't want to be alone for Thanksgiving. It also is not right to expect the older woman to be everyone's keeper. The cousins could have told you this also.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bother being annoyed. They have the right to change things up, and MIL isn't obligated to tell you. Maybe she forgot. Maybe if you talked DIRECTLY with these relatives you claim to like so much you'd have known sooner.

Gross of you to essentially say it's not worth spending time with MIL and FIL. That must make them feel like crap.

[Anonymous]

No. I would not be "annoyed" with the MIL. She thinks you are coming to see them, and shouldn't have to worry about what other people might or might not be doing that would make this a deal breaker for you. If it is that big of a deal, you should have been in touch with DH's siblings to see if they and "the cousins" would be spending Christmas with you. It isn't all that big of a "surprise" that folks would travel elsewhere for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I would not be "annoyed" with the MIL. She thinks you are coming to see them, and shouldn't have to worry about what other people might or might not be doing that would make this a deal breaker for you. If it is that big of a deal, you should have been in touch with DH's siblings to see if they and "the cousins" would be spending Christmas with you. It isn't all that big of a "surprise" that folks would travel elsewhere for the holidays.

*Thanksgiving, not Christmas*

[Anonymous]

You have to get in touch with people directly if it matters that much BEFORE you book your trip. It's common sense. Don't be mad at mil for not doing your job.

[Anonymous]

No, this wasn’t your MIL’s responsibility.

[Anonymous]

You all don’t talk to your family about their plans? It’s not your MIL’s responsibility. If it mattered to you,
You should have asked and not assumed. I think it’s weird that you wouldn’t have asked his siblings about their plans.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for the attitude check.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't go looking for things to be annoyed about

[Anonymous]

I think OP and her husband have a right to be very annoyed.

For their family, Thanksgiving or Christmas is their chance to not only see MIL, but see extended family and get kids together with cousins. It could have happened this year but instead MIL didn’t tell them. To MIL, Thanksgiving or Christmas belongs to her. She’s the center and only important guest so why should it matter to her adult son if other people are coming or not.

So in the future do not book plans until you confirm with your cousins whether their branch will be coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP and her husband have a right to be very annoyed.

For their family, Thanksgiving or Christmas is their chance to not only see MIL, but see extended family and get kids together with cousins. It could have happened this year but instead MIL didn’t tell them. To MIL, Thanksgiving or Christmas belongs to her. She’s the center and only important guest so why should it matter to her adult son if other people are coming or not.

So in the future do not book plans until you confirm with your cousins whether their branch will be coming.

Why is MIL in charge of telling OP that different family members have different thanksgiving plans this year? If OPs family was so excited to see these cousins, they could have reached out to them to ask if they were attending MILs thanksgiving this year or not. Either way , it is childish to assume that every years thanksgiving gathering will be the same. People are allowed to switch it up and 1) stay home, 2) visit different family or in laws, 3) go on a trip, 4) spend it with neighbors or friends, or 5) any combination of the above. Getting annoyed that someone isn’t attending a thanksgiving dinner that a third person (in this case, MIL) is hosting because “they always attend!” is childish. It certainly wasn’t MILs job to inform you of this other family’s plans, that makes your reaction even MORE silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are flying cross country to celebrate Thanksgiving with my spouse’s family. This is usually a medium-sized celebration with spouse’s immediate family plus cousins and an aunt and uncle. The cousins have kids around our kids’ ages and they get along and are excited to see each other when they can. In passing, MIL mentioned that all of the cousins, their families and aunt and uncle are going out of town and won’t be there so it will be just spouse’s immediate family and no other kids. Our kids are disappointed and I’m annoyed that MIL didn’t mention that there would be no extended family before we booked the trip. Spouse is also annoyed. Would you be? We are passing up a larger family celebration with my family to be there. We might have flip flopped and gone there for Christmas instead if we had known but plans are now made and we can’t back out of Christmas with my family.

I think that I would be bummed, but you shouldn't be annoyed with MIL/FIL for not telling you. You made an assumption and evidently your spouse doesn't keep in touch with his extended family enough to know what's going on.

I might tell them on this trip that if it happens again you'd be happy to fly MIL/FIL to *you* for Thanksgiving, which would be cheaper than flying your whole family back and forth and then they could attend a big Thanksgiving celebration with your family instead of something more lonely. But that would depend on their health/spryness/relationships with your side.

[Anonymous]

Clearly you didn’t ask before making plans, she told you weeks ahead of time, be mad at yourself for assuming things without asking.