FIL Critiques

[Anonymous]

FIL coming into town for Thanksgiving and I’m already dreading his “critiques”. For example, “this kitchen is beautiful but as a critique have you considered…”. His “critiques” are really annoying and usually involve a list of chores for me to do. He doesn’t spare his son either and has a list for my husband. Usually it’s ridiculous but innocuous advice like spending thousands to move plumbing so we can place the sink by a window, but it is still grating nonetheless. Any advice on how to handle? My normally calm husband sometimes will lose his temper but father in law just acts confused and sad which, in turn, makes us feel terrible. Any advice on how to tell him we aren’t interested in his “critiques”? Mother in law is not in the picture.

[Anonymous]

"I'll take it under advisement. Here, have some mixed nuts."

[Anonymous]

"Are you offering? Thanks FIL!"

[Anonymous]

How does he respond to: "Try not to suggest anything that involves more work for us. We're too busy." And then every time he starts again, say: "There you go again. It's more work. We're not doing that."

[Anonymous]

That’d cost thousands we don’t have Dad, but it’s a nice fantasy to have the sink by the window.

That would take about ten hours and I don’t have an extra ten, but you’re right- it would be awesome to install a garden in this spot.

We’re just keeping our heads above water, so don’t have the mental energy for this right now

[Anonymous]

He usually says “it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, I can help you get started”

Spoiler alert: he never actually helps and usually ends up creating a situation where an emergency plumber or electrician is called. These situations were especially frustrating because we never agreed to have him start anything.

I do think the mental health and energy comment is a good one, especially if I sandwich it in with something nice like “great idea!” I have said similar stuff before, like “that would be a great idea down the line” and he took that as an excuse to send me links to books I can buy to teach myself how to tile for example. This is really annoying.

Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He usually says “it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, I can help you get started”

Spoiler alert: he never actually helps and usually ends up creating a situation where an emergency plumber or electrician is called. These situations were especially frustrating because we never agreed to have him start anything.

I do think the mental health and energy comment is a good one, especially if I sandwich it in with something nice like “great idea!” I have said similar stuff before, like “that would be a great idea down the line” and he took that as an excuse to send me links to books I can buy to teach myself how to tile for example. This is really annoying.

Op

Op never finished my point. I think saying we don’t have the funds or mental energy directly would be helpful. Also we don’t have the funds or mental energy.

[Anonymous]

I would have your husband set boundaries in advance. Let him know you both enjoy seeing him, but do not want his suggestions for the home unless specifically asked. It creates stress and you want to enjoy him. Unsolicited advice as a rule is rarely a good idea. but apparently he never learned.

That said if you say "thank you" and then something less direct you may reinforce it. Your husband's words need to convey love, but also make it crystal clear those comments are not welcome. No mixed messages or messages where he needs to read between the lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have your husband set boundaries in advance. Let him know you both enjoy seeing him, but do not want his suggestions for the home unless specifically asked. It creates stress and you want to enjoy him. Unsolicited advice as a rule is rarely a good idea. but apparently he never learned.

That said if you say "thank you" and then something less direct you may reinforce it. Your husband's words need to convey love, but also make it crystal clear those comments are not welcome. No mixed messages or messages where he needs to read between the lines.

That’s good advice thank you! We definitely don’t enjoy his visits but I like him to feel welcome and loved despite… everything. I know he feels very lonely (probably justified due to his personality) and it’s nice for him to have a place where he feels loved even if we find him annoying. I really appreciate your comment on making sure he doesn’t have to read between the lines because he can’t do that. Thanks! Op

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. My FIL does the same. He suggested we add a "wing" to our house! We have 4 bedrooms and 2 kids, so we already have a guest room. Apparently it isn't grand enough for him to feel comfortable in. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'll take it under advisement. Here, have some mixed nuts."

This is really good advice but I literally tried this and he said “small critique, with nut allergies being so pervasive may I suggest a different canapé for future visits?”

I hope this made you laugh! In real life it was very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. My FIL does the same. He suggested we add a "wing" to our house! We have 4 bedrooms and 2 kids, so we already have a guest room. Apparently it isn't grand enough for him to feel comfortable in. Ugh.

Honestly thank you for sharing. I sometimes feel very alone in this! Yes it could be worse regarding in laws but it’s SO ANNOYING to feel like someone is judging everything and finding fault all the time!

[Anonymous]

I mean, you can say whatever you want to say in advance, but there is like a .000001 percent chance he will change. I would just pivot to laughing about it behind his back and letting it all go. My sister and I bond through laughing about the incredibly ridiculous things our dad says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you can say whatever you want to say in advance, but there is like a .000001 percent chance he will change. I would just pivot to laughing about it behind his back and letting it all go. My sister and I bond through laughing about the incredibly ridiculous things our dad says.

Agreed. He’ll never change. It’s hard to laugh about it when I see my husband get so upset. FIL has never had a real conversation with him, ever. It’s all unwanted “critiques” and long monologues that center around himself. I personally just think he’s a socially awkward blowhard (potentially high functioning autism?) but I don’t want him to feel rejected by us either. I think we are one of the last places where he is welcome. My husband says every time he’ll try to have a real conversation but it won’t happen. Very sad. Also very, very annoying.

[Anonymous]

My FIL is the strong silent type

Have no issues with him. Felt bad because I once tried to hug him post-breakup with my ex, though, in a public place and he practically peeled my arms back off of him and said he had to visit the restroom.

Could have been true. But I can’t remember ever hugging him before like I did that day and it was like he just … disconnected