Worried about H because of his imminent heart attack -- he keeps telling me that I am the problem

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11/11/2025 07:23

Subject: Worried about H because of his imminent heart attack -- he keeps telling me that I am the problem

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Anonymous

My H and I are separated, he lives in our vacation property 3 hours away, close to his job. I have not seen him since mid-September.
On Friday he described to me that he had been showing all the classic symptoms of an imminent heart failure, yet he does not believe that he has heart insufficiency. On Sunday our 14 y.o. and I managed to persuade him to see a cardiologist.

His behavior is very hurtful. On one hand he has asked me to manage his care: find an in-network cardiologist, make appointments, etc. Our dynamic has always been that I take care of absolutely everything that is not about his duties on the job. I take care of the insurances, tax returns, maintenance of both homes, pay the bills etc. We have had a joint budget since the month we met 20 years ago, and that has not changed after the separation. Whenever there is a problem, I am the person he calls. I advise him even regarding his job-related negotiations.

On the other hand he keeps telling me that he does not trust me at all, that even talking to me is causing him stress. He does not want to give me a healthcare PoA. He blames me for having thwarted his attempt to start a relationship with a very young woman (35 years his junior) who was simply creeped out.

Last night he finished work at 5. Starting at 5:30 I started texting him asking him to go to a certain emergency room today where a cardiologist whom he trusts will be on call. I called him several times for an hour, he did not respond. I panicked and at shortly before 7 I asked neighbors to check on him. One of them has a key. They went in, and it turned out that he was merely sleeping. He became upset about having been woken up, and told me that I was overreacting, and even if he had heard my calls he probably would not have answered because talking to me stresses him out.

I am very hurt. You might say that he is my ex, why do I care. But he is the father of my daughter. Last night when the neighbors reported at 7 pm that his car is in the garage but he is not responding to the door buzzer, I started crying while telling them to get the key and go in. That is when I noticed that it would be a catastrophic loss in our lives if he died. Not only would my daughter be a half orphan, but it would also be a huge financial setback.

It is very hurtful to try to get the best healthcare for him to keep him alive and healthy, and not only to not get any appreciation in return but being constantly insulted. My sister says that most people would not put up with this humiliating situation. But I am not prepared to let him jeopardize his life just because he is incapable of organizing himself the healthcare he needs.