Christmas Stress/Rigidity

[Anonymous]

13 yo dd has ASD1 and anxiety. Every year, Christmas is a huge stressor for me. I try to prep her about it, but every year there is some meltdown on Christmas, and it makes me angry as one who works so hard to make it a wonderful time, and I hate that my other dcs (all younger) have to deal with her crying /demands on Christmas. I know I need to work on my own feelings and responses (this is a recent dx, so I am still working on finding a therapist)- but I was wondering if there was anything we could do to help set expectations for this day.

She is a top 10 student in her grade of 120 - I don't know if she is past the point of "social stories." But basically if anything is unexpected or not in her exact vision of what Christmas morning will look like - if she gets too many things not on her list, if she gets too many "need" (rather than "want") gifts, if she gets a gift that will mean she has to get rid of something else (like something in a larger size to replace something that is too small), if she gets fewer gifts than a sibling, if she gets a gift she has to share (like a board game) - - she will just get all upset and will just silently cry through Christmas morning. Any suggestions for helpful things we can do to prepare her or ourselves? She knows practical gifts are part of the deal if she wants to have the same number of presents as her siblings - she is very equity minded. I think she would just prefer for everyone to have fewer things, but we already don't go crazy imo. She has already started crying because she has braces now and is worried she won't be able to eat Christmas dinner and worried we won't about when we will decorate for Christmas since we are traveling for Thanksgiving and worried that Grandma found her something at the museum store when she did not ask for something from the museum store. It is too much - for both of us. Would love any advice or suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Do no more than four gifts for each kid, and one "share" gift, and tell the kids ahead of time that's what is happening.

Send her to her room if she wants to sulk or cry. Not as a punishment but as a quiet place to get herself under control until she can rejoin the fun and enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I think what's hard is that her wish list consists of things like, pad of paper, scotch tape, cactus stickers, mechanical pencils, etc. Her big gift request is a $50 lego set. We do one Santa gift, a mom gift, a dad gift, brother gives a gift, sister gives a gift, then grandma goes overboard (despite our requests), other grandparents give a gift, all the aunts and uncles give gifts. I don't know how to rein it in. I ask them for something low key (like a paperback book) but then they think that is boring so just buy "a few more" things.

We do usually have her go to her room or sit with the dog in another room to try to regulate - not as a punishment but just as a break if she wants/needs. We all open gifts one at a time, so then the other kids are waiting quite a bit, which is something else I want to address- they will be allowed to keep opening if she needs to take a break.

[Anonymous]

My husband, who is on the spectrum, had many an anger episode at Christmas because he has a hard time with something outside of his routine that also comes with social expectations. Now the kids are older, more predictable, and we've significantly pared down the holidays (fewer people, fewer events), he doesn't get upset anymore. He's also gotten used to the way I do things and manage the household (he comes from a different culture and Christmas, while acknowledged, wasn't a big deal in his family).

1. I would talk with your child every single day about her goal for this holiday: trying to keep emotions in check. This is a long-term goal that she's going to have to work on for years anyway. Tell her that she's old enough to understand the concept of proportional response. Nothing that happens apart from someone getting physically hurt, or the house burning down, is worthy of a cry. If she's feeling overwhelmed, her goal is to warn you, and work on understanding that this is no one's fault; and that she can go and calm down in a quiet room, then rejoin the group.

2. I would significantly pare down the holiday. Maybe larger, more expensive gifts, but just two per kid. Something they each want. Nothing that's a need! The needs stuff can be given at other times.

3. She seems to be stressing about the complexity of the event because her brain wants to keep track of all the details. Don't give her so many details to keep track of. Don't forget people on the spectrum may be unreliable reporters when it comes to their own feelings and why they have them. Maybe there's too much conversation, too much music, too many different dishes on the table, too many special decorations, and they're all prickly, and the tablecloth pattern is bothersome. Who knows? You can maybe have a quieter Christmas, with less stuff, but the stuff you have should wow everyone. Like one huge tree, instead of garlands strewn around the house or a second tree somewhere. One decorated cake for dessert, instead of various sweets. One impressive entree, etc. Christmas music put on low, not blasted at full volume, with breaks for silence. Maybe it's the sheer overload of sensory stuff that's making her hyperfocus on comparing presents, etc, as a means to distract herself.

It's hard to give you specifics, because each autistic child is different. My autistic son is happy with his noise-blocking headphones and isn't prone to anger or tears. When things get too much, he removes himself and reads in his room.

[Anonymous]

Would it be possible for her to approve her gifts in advance? That might help eliminate the anxiety of the uncertainty of her presents. I let my teenagers pick out their own gifts. It may cut down on the surprise, but everyone seems happier (especially me.)

[Anonymous]

She’s 10, I would give her $100, or whatever you spend, and take her shopping. She picks everything out, she helps wrap it. If she whines about it on Christmas that item gets immediately sent to Goodwill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s 10, I would give her $100, or whatever you spend, and take her shopping. She picks everything out, she helps wrap it. If she whines about it on Christmas that item gets immediately sent to Goodwill.

Actually you said she’s 13, my mistake. Everything goes to Goodwill if she whines or cries. Stop babying her!

[Anonymous]

As a parent of an ASD older teen, I would stop expecting too much of her. She sounds like she is easily overstimulated, prefers simplicity and doesn't want expensive things. The best present you can give her is not so high expectations, give her what she wants, give her some cash if you must even things out, and just let her enjoy her day the way she wants.

[Anonymous]

That sounds so awful for the other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 10, I would give her $100, or whatever you spend, and take her shopping. She picks everything out, she helps wrap it. If she whines about it on Christmas that item gets immediately sent to Goodwill.

Actually you said she’s 13, my mistake. Everything goes to Goodwill if she whines or cries. Stop babying her!

This is a terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s 10, I would give her $100, or whatever you spend, and take her shopping. She picks everything out, she helps wrap it. If she whines about it on Christmas that item gets immediately sent to Goodwill.

Actually you said she’s 13, my mistake. Everything goes to Goodwill if she whines or cries. Stop babying her!

I respect this advice, but dd is my "least whiny" kid- the one who will never complain her feet hurt or say she wants something in a store or pester me for something or whine about having to go to bed early. She is terrified of getting in trouble or acting impulsively - there were a few instances where she got close to a friend, acted impulsively (like blurting something out or I remember with one friend she sang along too loud in the Taylor Swift movie) - then realizes she makes a blunder and shuts down again and takes two years to invite another kid over. She tries to keep it together because she knows it's against the rules to cry about a gift. But I hate to see her silently miserable on a day we all look forward to all year. As far as gifts- she would love to just do modest gifts. I would love to just do modest gifts. But we have a very close extended family that all values giving. DD values it too -she gets presents for everyone. We do do a very over the top Christmas - decorated floor to ceiling in every room, a gazillion lights, inflatables, food, parties, constant music, abundant traditions. DD "loves" it, and would initially be upset to do anything differently, but I can see how even something that is exciting is overwhelming and overstimulating. I do agree I need to be very clear about expectation setting and what different consequences will occur. I would love for her to give her gifts to Goodwill - she often doesn't even want most of the things- but she is scared of offending the giver.

[Anonymous]

I think you are right to ask this particularly for your other kids. Put yourself in their shoes - every year their Christmas is ruined because of their sibling. Resentment is going to build up big time if you don't address this. I think the most obvious choice is that your DD is excused to go to her room when she gets overwhelmed. But everything continues in her absence and she can catch up when she rejoins the family. Significantly paring down the holiday doesn't seem fair to your other kids. Maybe break apart the gift giving time where you do your immediate family gifts Christmas Eve then do the grandparents/aunt/uncles Christmas Day.

[Anonymous]

I would give your dd her gifts early if possible, or just let her open them in her room instead of with the other kids.

Stop opening gifts one by one -- let all the younger kids open their gifts at once and your older dd can go into another room or quiet space to open hers in calm. Basically get the gift opening over much faster and possibly separately so there is less time for dd to perceive injustice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are right to ask this particularly for your other kids. Put yourself in their shoes - every year their Christmas is ruined because of their sibling. Resentment is going to build up big time if you don't address this. I think the most obvious choice is that your DD is excused to go to her room when she gets overwhelmed. But everything continues in her absence and she can catch up when she rejoins the family. Significantly paring down the holiday doesn't seem fair to your other kids. Maybe break apart the gift giving time where you do your immediate family gifts Christmas Eve then do the grandparents/aunt/uncles Christmas Day.

Thank you. I had a profoundly disabled brother and am very sensitive to my other kids' experience. I also think DD would feel terrible about her siblings not getting to enjoy Christmas "because of her." I like the idea to just remind her she can go to her room as needed, we will enjoy our Christmas morning and welcome her to participate as she would like. But she can't have her cake and eat it - she cant participate in the traditions she wants to do and also dampen it for the rest of us. She will have to choose one. I can also frame it as something she may even prefer to do on her own later in the day, or she may enjoy taking breaks if she can just get over the idea of doing something different.

[Anonymous]

Way too many gifts. Just don't give her all of them at once. The stuff from the aunts and uncles can be another day or for Valentine's Day or honestly, just donated if it's not appropriate for your kids or junky. And if they say "Oh, we told you we REALLY needed to pare down so we had to donate it."