How to handle perpetually sulky, unhappy with something tween
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Anonymous
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DD is 11, and for the last couple of years she’s had this pervasive habit of dragging everyone down. When she’s happy (that is, getting her way) she’s a delight. However, when she doesn’t get her way - which happens, of course - she will sulk, be surly, be terse, and generally be a pill. It’s exhausting and it’s really testing my patience, as she makes so many moments miserable for me and us as a family.
I’ve tried explaining that not getting your way is a part of life, setting parameters around acceptable behavior, etc, to no avail. What do I do? TIA. |
Anonymous
| "Go to your room to sulk and come back out when you've finished and you can be pleasant to be around." |
Anonymous
| You said you’ve “set parameters around acceptable behaviors,” but you made no mention of accountability. What consequences has she had when she has made rude, obnoxious comments and/or argued back? |
Anonymous
Actually love this idea, thank you! But I’m not sure how to handle when we’re out and about. |
Anonymous
| It's fine. All feelings are ok |
Anonymous
"Go stand/sit over there until you're finished sulking, and then come rejoin us." |
Anonymous
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My DD is 13 and can still be like this at times. It started around 11 too. This age is hard.
It’s like a rollercoaster. I have done what the PP suggested which works in the moment. I have also made a point when she’s being rude to tell her what I’m doing for her at anygiven time and that seems to help too. I’ve also gotten more cooperation recently if I point out all the things that need doing and ask her to do one. Example: Larla the dog needs to go out and the dishes in the sink need putting in the dishwasher, which one do you want to do? This generally gets a positive response as opposed to negative just asking her to do something. |
Anonymous
It’s not fine to ruin everyone else day/experience/etc |
Anonymous
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I’m the PP with the 13yo. Thought of something else that has worked too. Ive a labeled her behavior as a choice she’s making. So one time she argued about changing clothes for a somewhat dressy event, tears etc. made us late. All I was asking was for non athletic clothing. As she got in the car I said to her “ I’ve asked u to change and that’s what youre wearing? That’s the choice u made?”
Got a sullen nod. We went to the event. On the way home she asked me to go to Dicks as I had said earlier in the day we might. So I calmly looked at her and said no. When she asked why I told her I was choosing not to. I reminded her she made a choice earlier and now I’m making a choice too. I could tell she was seething but she didn’t say a word. No if she starts acting up I’ll say “ is that the choice you’re making?” She knows I’ll come back with my own choice that she won’t like. |
Anonymous
| “Go sit in the car, we will see you in an hour” or whatever works. |
Anonymous
| When I was growing up this kind of behavior was not tolerated. One family member did not get to make the rest of the family miserable. |
Anonymous
And what did that look like? What worked to shut it down? |
Anonymous
You went to your room until you could be polite and pleasant. |
Anonymous
+100 and using them to manipulate people is also WRONG and selfish |
Anonymous
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I would add acknowledging what the struggle is first then set and maintain the boundary.
“I can see that you are upset about X/You really wanted Y/It’s frustrating not to do Z. However, today we have to (whatever is required.)” You acknowledge what she wants and feels but are firm about the course of action. If attitude is the response, then set a boundary and stick to it. Or talk to a professional! |