Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Anonymous]

I’m at the beginning of the having kids phase of life, and I’d really love to be a SAHM for the first 2-3 years of each kids life. However, having multiple kids it would mean I’m out of the workforce for 6-9 years.

I’d hate to shoot myself and my career in the foot trying to return with more than half a decade gap in my resume. I’m not particularly career driven, but I like my job and would like to return to it in the future once my kids are in school or at least prek.

What are the options? Work and send my kids to daycare in order to keep a foot in the door? Take a leap of faith and quit not knowing how hard it’ll be to come back?

Feeling frustrated the way our society sets up mothers. It feels like the only way is to either work during the infant/baby/toddler years or quit and SAHM and never return to your career.

Feeling jealous of other countries that give 1.5-3 years of protected time off from the workforce.

[Anonymous]

It's very hard. I solved this by only having one kid.

I will say that once I had a kid, my thinking about work and career shifted. I still want to work. In fact, it's almost more important to me than ever because it's so valuable to me to have something I do outside of parenting where I use my education and interact with adults. But I also have no f***s to give about a lot of work-related BS. So I started my own consulting business, which enables me to have a lot of control over my schedule and to avoid stuff like having to put in "FaceTime" at the office or fly to Phoenix for some BS corporate training that is a total waste of my time. I make less money than if I still worked for a big company. It's worth it.

So I guess my advice is to adjust what you think a career looks like. You do have options. I might also stick with just 1-2 kids. Figure out what balance of money, career, and home life works for you and your family. Resist the pressure you get from others to do things their way (they are often trying to validate their own choices by pushing them on others).

[Anonymous]

What is your career? Any chance to go very part time at your current job? Even better if it's a defined role that can be done independently or on a set schedule.

[Anonymous]

My advice is to take it one year at a time. I realize that can compromise career options; however, by your own description you are not particularly career driven. I don’t think you are going to regret time with your child. I was not able to stay home fully in the beginning and worked part time until my third was born. I now stay home. I will say I am deeply grateful to be home even with my 7 year old, fully free during the summer as well as after school. You may end up surprised how valuable this can feel. The working parents I know (2 parents working, I mean) find it pretty intense even when kids are school age: helping with homework can be a lot.

I’m still in it with the kid years, so I know I lack the long view, but at present my only lament is not having been able to stay home in the beginning. Truly. It still bugs me. But I did not like working (I pivoted away from a career I did enjoy because it was not family friendly at all— and I definitely don’t regret that.

Some people are more career driven and I do think that changes the calculation.

Agree completely that we make it unnecessarily hard on parents who want to balance work and life.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, we all faced this. My solution was a year off entirely for my first child, then part-time until all of them were in school. Your choice will be different. It’s the dilemma for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Keep your job ma’am

[Anonymous]

I had some of these thoughts early on in motherhood. Ended up with about 5-6 months of maternity leave with each kid and then a nanny until each kid was 3( they are 3.5 years apart). Meant that I could keep working, no drop offs, coverage for mild sickness and my kids were not too sick when little. Glad I did. I make about 50% more than DH now but in a much more flexible management position and regularly take off for school events, chaperone and able to take kids to 4:30 pm activities, can WFH some etc. just my experience. It's also very dependent on career path etc. I'm very efficient when I work, built up a lot of trust with my team and management and hence I have a lot of flexibility with schedule and a lot of leave. My kids are still ES and being able to be home when they get home many days has been really good for building our family relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep your job ma’am

+1. But then I’m Gen X and saw rafts of divorces (including my own parents) and mothers who didn’t have jobs and struggled financially.

I had two kids, did daycare, before and after care, and it was fine. My kids are in college now and haven’t been harmed by my working.

[Anonymous]

If you like your job and would want to go back, do not quit.

- A SAHM.

[Anonymous]

With the lay offs I’m seeing from my location outside the DMV, keep your job in some form. Take an extended maternity leave, if you want. Like maybe 6 months, plus or minus. Or keep it part time for a while if possible. But some of my SAHM neighbors are beyond stressed right now with unemployed spouses and they can’t get back into the workforce.

[Anonymous]

I think we need to know more about your industry/job to answer this question. If you're a teacher? Absolutely no problem to take a decade off to raise children and then come back. If you're a software engineer? Nearly impossible. In between? It depends.

The other thing is child spacing. If you're going to work, it makes sense to spread them out a bit, not pay for daycare for two (or three!) for long if possible. But if you want to be a SAHM and you want three kids (you said 2-3 years per kid, 6-9 years total, sounds like three kids to me) I think you may want to consider shorter spacing (<2 years between kids) so you can get back to your career in closer to 5 years rather than closer to 10. Alternatively, you could spread them out. Spend 2 years home with kid #1, go back to work for a couple years, then stay home with kid #2... a four year (or more) gap between kids makes this doable. Something to consider.

Again, depending on industry, you may be able to keep your foot in the door in a variety of ways. Can you consult 5-10 hours a week? Can you attend industry events? Do continuing education stuff? Keep your network up and running? I think most (but not all!) careers have a way to do this, but we really need more info about your job to help you out.

Also - do you know of anyone in your industry who's taken even 2-3 years off when having kids? Worth talking to them, getting their experience. And if the answer is "no," well, that might tell you something.

[Anonymous]

It's the dilemma of all parents, not just mothers. And there are risks beyond just not being able to get back into the workforce, such as divorce. What I did was to take a different job that was more manageable and more predictable. The money was significantly less, but fine. And, even after my kids got older, I never went back. I did advance in the new work world I entered, but never increased my work hours or commitments.

[Anonymous]

What you think you want, might not end up being what you regally end up wanting. Different things can happen between now and these hypothetical children being born. I agree with the person who said take it a year at a time.

I’d also recommend making sure you have a job you really like that’s flexible. Childbearing is great motivation to line up the role, salary and benefits you want/need. I switched jobs while pregnant and had explosive career growth in those early years. Now I have elementary kids, a ton more $ and flexibility to be present for them.

[Anonymous]

I definitely tanked my original career by taking time off, but I also don't regret prioritizing my children...I would have more money if I had stayed, but I am not sure it would have been worth it.

[Anonymous]

I got so many bright ideas while staying home with kids. I also got rich and never went back to work.