Feeling like my incompetent parenting has messed up my kids forever

[Anonymous]

Just to be clear, I've been a loving parent and there's been no abuse or trauma in our household. But I've let my kids have too much screen time, not kept up the house well, just don't have good instincts as a parent. I'm now at a point where each of my kids is doing poorly with major mental health issues and all but one of them hates and resents me (they are teens. The one who doesn't hate me is the least functional). I can't stop obsessing about the mistakes I've made as a parent. This sounds crazy but I can't help obsessing over the idea that my kids would be better off with a relative or friend, just because I seem to make everything worse. Again, I love them with all my heart but because of that I want what's best for them and I just don't think that's me - I'm a loving parent but not a competent one. And yes, I know if this actually happened it would probably be even worse for my kids, but I honestly don't know what to do. Have had therapy and parent coaching. I am married but spouse has a stressful job and some other issues so I have always been the primary parent.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do for your kids right now is take care of yourself. Go for a walk. Talk to a therapist. They need you and love you, even if you’re not feeling it right now. You are a good mom. Just hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible they would have mental health issues even if you were a great parent?

[Anonymous]

Hang in there OP. How many kids do you have? Aside from screen time and condition of the house, what issues do you think you’ve actually had as a parent?

[Anonymous]

I could’ve written this myself — screens, bad habits, fast food… all of it. My teen and young adult are struggling, and I can’t help but blame myself. I get stuck in regret thinking how, if I had a do-over, I’d be a better parent. No advice for you OP, just a hug. You’re not alone in this.

[Anonymous]

I remember my mom feeling this way when I was a teen! I was a rebellious, defiant, kid who got into my share of trouble. I definitely went through a very rough period there and I know my mom felt responsible.

Not saying it always works out this way but I’m very close with my mom now and I have a great, normal, life and kids of my own. It all worked out.

This is just to say, teen years can be some of the hardest and even parents who did everything “right” can end up struggling with teens. You can’t know how things would be if you did things differently so let it go, take care of yourself, and show up for your kids as best you can now.

[Anonymous]

It’s never too late to put in screen limits and change things up. That may temporarily make things worse and make them hate you more, but they will be better off in the long run.

How old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible they would have mental health issues even if you were a great parent?

This. You're assuming that your parenting was what caused their mental health issues and you have no way of knowing that. My mom was the opposite of you and I had anxiety and an ED for 20 years and my brother has severe mental health issues.

I know parents who have parented like you and their kids are completely fine.

[Anonymous]

It's probably heritable. You have it too and or so does the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Where is your spouse?

[Anonymous]

I remember thinking this when my DD was 13-17. She is now 19, in college, thriving, and routinely compliments my parenting. Adolescence is a beast. Just get through it.

[Anonymous]

Make changes right now.
Why do the teens hate you? Have a family meeting or one on one conversations. Tell the You’ve made mistakes but you want things to be better. Get their input. Listen constructively. Then make a plan to move forward. Your spouse needs to be on the same page.
What mental health issues do they have?
You DO still need to be the parent though. If your kids have been spoilt over the years and are not acting ignorant and hateful it will take time to turn that around.

[Anonymous]

Best thing you can do is get off DCUM and stop listening to the advice you get from here.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do to fix your kids’ mental health is to fix your own. Please call around for therapists on Monday morning. I had a mother who was like you - her personal distress and focus on herself added to my problems.

[Anonymous]

All the research shows that there is really no impact to kids on screens, parenting techniques, and all that. Most of who your kids end up being is genes and influence from peer groups, not parents. So don’t get too down on yourself, just do the best you can, and love your kids.