Navigating adult friendships is confusing. Advice?

[Anonymous]

A couple years ago, I made a new friend (middle-school DDs are same age though not friends, but no drama either). Shared interests, husbands compatible, etc. A unicorn.

We'd text often, swap memes, things felt easy. We'd meet up for dinner, occasionally get together as a couple, and she opened up to me a lot about some prior life history (a prior divorce, etc). It felt like we were close. I had a bit of the typical "do I reach out?" nervousness but usually got over it. As recently as last month, went out to dinner as couples, and had a drink a couple weeks ago. This woman has a longtime best friend, also at our school, and their families are super tight. It's clear that this family is her go-to and they do a lot together. Just for context.

Over the past couple weeks, it's been a weird dynamic shift. I send texts and get one-word or kind of dismissive replies. Sent memes and rarely get one back (I know that sounds silly, but it's an energy shift). I asked what she was up to this weekend and if we could grab a yoga session soon (we both are in the same gym) and she sent me a text about how she was so excited to be going on a getaway with this other family...and didn't ask what we were up to, and didn't respond to the hangout. Basically that ended the back and forth.

I AM 43. I am tired. I feel like I am playing games waiting for someone to reciprocate. More than anything, I wonder what the heck happened. So I just didn't respond to the text and decided to pull back...? I guess? I'm feeling sad about this, and then feeling silly because I'm an adult, but it still feels crappy, and I don't understand what happened and I guess I just wonder if anyone else out there in DCUM land has been in this situation and can offer insight on what is up. And it doesn't have to do with our kids, who rarely cross paths at their rather large middle school.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any suggestions but it may be more about what she’s got going on rather than anything you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any suggestions but it may be more about what she’s got going on rather than anything you did.

That was my first thought. Something going on on her end.

[Anonymous]

Maybe her best friend doesn’t like you.

[Anonymous]

You've only known her a couple years, this might just be how she is.
I had a friend I made during covid who I thought was my new "best friend" but she would disappear regularly and I would wrack my brain thinking how I might have offended her. She's just kind of Adhd. She hasn't spoken to me for 6 weeks and just texted me asking to hang out "It's been crazy lately". I'm used to it now and realize she just isn't that dependable person I wished she was.

[Anonymous]

Just respond "Enjoy!" And then drop the rope. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Aw you need to move on and find your own bestie

And just so you know the past couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for DC area and fed families... some empathy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aw you need to move on and find your own bestie

And just so you know the past couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for DC area and fed families... some empathy!

This has zero to do with the federal government.

[Anonymous]

There could be a lot of things. Maybe she realized that she's sort of led you on but doesn't have enough time/energy in her life to devote to a friendship, and she is pulling back awkwardly. Like, she wants you as an occasional secondary friend but not a close friend, and she overreached. In that situation, it's up to you whether to pull back all the way or to let the friendship remain secondary. Certainly, it doesn't feel great to be the person who wants more closeness while the other person isn't interested.

I think this is the flipside of boundary setting that everyone is always recommending. She is setting boundaries but it feels like a rejection.

(Or maybe it's something else entirely.)

FWIW, what I usually do is pull back some but don't burn bridges, sometimes people will come around at some later point, it's still easier to salvage those friendships than start completely from scratch, but of course now you know that she is very unlikely to ever become a true friend.

Whatever you do, don't go down the path of "what did I do wrong," it's a kind of self-punishment you do not deserve.

[Anonymous]

I’ve pretty much given up on adult relationships for this very reason. I don’t have the time or energy to play these games. It’s just not worth it for the ongoing text chain and occasional drink.

I’ve changed my mindset and don’t see it as a loss, it’s just the season I’m in, and there will be a new season eventually, where I’ll have more time or energy to make new friendships bloom. I’m busy and focus on my husband, kids, and work. There will be another season, this isn’t forever.

[Anonymous]

The above is good advice, OP. I’m sorry. Flakey people suck.

[Anonymous]

You sound too needy OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There could be a lot of things. Maybe she realized that she's sort of led you on but doesn't have enough time/energy in her life to devote to a friendship, and she is pulling back awkwardly. Like, she wants you as an occasional secondary friend but not a close friend, and she overreached. In that situation, it's up to you whether to pull back all the way or to let the friendship remain secondary. Certainly, it doesn't feel great to be the person who wants more closeness while the other person isn't interested.

I think this is the flipside of boundary setting that everyone is always recommending. She is setting boundaries but it feels like a rejection.

(Or maybe it's something else entirely.)

FWIW, what I usually do is pull back some but don't burn bridges, sometimes people will come around at some later point, it's still easier to salvage those friendships than start completely from scratch, but of course now you know that she is very unlikely to ever become a true friend.

Whatever you do, don't go down the path of "what did I do wrong," it's a kind of self-punishment you do not deserve.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've only known her a couple years, this might just be how she is.
I had a friend I made during covid who I thought was my new "best friend" but she would disappear regularly and I would wrack my brain thinking how I might have offended her. She's just kind of Adhd. She hasn't spoken to me for 6 weeks and just texted me asking to hang out "It's been crazy lately". I'm used to it now and realize she just isn't that dependable person I wished she was.

I have ADHD friends like this and accept it as normal. They are dependable in a way that is different from what’s expected.

With one friend, we schedule our conversations because we live 3,000 miles apart, if this was not in our calendars we could go months without talking.

[Anonymous]

Her friend got jealous. I see that a lot. She doesn't want to navigate it so she's just pulling back.

It's why people say women are crazy. I come from a male dominated family (7 boys and me) and I really don't get it or get into it so I just move on.