How to not feel bad about DH seeing porn

[Anonymous]

Spin off from the “does your DH watch porn” thread. Long story short, my DH lied very well and hid it for many years. I’m considering staying with him for the kids but I don’t think I can. First the lying and betrayal obviously (I have much higher drive and he rejected me almost daily, would only do it with me once a month when I practically begged him) but the bigger issue is that I’m so jealous of what he’s seen and I can’t get over it. How can he not compare me with those hot girls he was watching. And he was watching some things that I will not do (face and in the butt). Even if I believe that he won’t look at it anymore (long story but he realizes that it has changed him in bad ways), he still can’t get those images out of his head.

How do other women deal with the jealousy? It makes me sick. He can see all the hot women and new variety he wants and I can’t compete with that. And now he has things in his mind that will aways be there. It’s been months and I just can’t get over it.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. For me personally, I don't feel jealous because he makes me feel desirable daily and we have sex almost daily. I've never felt compared to anyone, and I've always felt #1.

What you're describing is different - denying sex because of porn is a huge issue, and he's not making you feel sexy and desirable. I've had boyfriends like that, and it's horrible, depressing, and wrecks your self-esteem.

Have you tried therapy? Do you talk to him about it? Does he listen and take you seriously, or brush you off with "I told you I stopped"? What has he done to repair your relationship and make *you* feel desirable?

[Anonymous]

Divorce ma’am
You’re hurt and won’t get over it.
Your husband is a broken porn addicted man. Hopefully you’re gainfully employed outside of the home

[Anonymous]

Alcohol, drugs, gambling, & porn are all destructive addictions that ruin lives.

[Anonymous]

He turned you down for sex, and so…divorce?

I don’t believe that is the acceptable cw here.

[Anonymous]

DH here: first, sorry you have to deal with this. I did want to weigh in on the question of comparing yourself to the porn people though. You really shouldn’t, it’s not at all the same thing. Given the facts as you have described them, it sounds to me like the issues are mostly on his side—turning down your spouse in favor of porn is not normal behavior, and it suggests that he has issues around sex or around your relationship that need to be addressed. It’s unlikely to be a referendum on your attractiveness—and here is where I’m going to get piled on by replies, but I’m just being real because someone needs to say it—unless you have really let yourself go to the point where he has a legitimate issue about it. If he’s worth keeping, this is a place where counseling could help; but you should ask yourself whether this relationship is really healthy from your perspective as well.

[Anonymous]

Another DH weighing in. We're in our late 40s and the actors in porn are not (well, some of them are, but I digress). Neither of us looks like we did in our 20s.

If you try to "compete" with them in the looks department you'll lose - but they are nothing but actors on a screen. On the other hand you are a real person who wants to make him happy and wants him to make you happy. If he can't appreciate that then it's his loss.

[Anonymous]

You could watch it, too. I'm sure there are plenty of male actors who are younger and more attractive than your DH.

But more seriously, is he willing to see a therapist? It sounds like it's become a destructive problem in your marriage. But he has to want to change for therapy to work.

[Anonymous]

Why would you stay with someone who clearly doesn't want you?

I'm so sorry OP, this must be heartbreaking. He sounds like a major p*rn addict. And that will only get worse. He lied to you for years, and you want to believe that all of a sudden *now* he's a changed man? Please, pick your brain up off the floor, because you would have to be literally brainless to believe that.

You watching it will not help. That's like telling the wife of an alcoholic to just start drinking more to deal with it. What terrible advice. I do agree on therapy for him. But he has to want it. If he's truly any sort of changed, he would have already suggested it himself and reached out for a consultation. Has he?

[Anonymous]

It may help if you ever googled these actresses without makeup on as they definitely don’t look the same. Guy here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may help if you ever googled these actresses without makeup on as they definitely don’t look the same. Guy here

Guy here and agree with this. Most Women in the entertainment industry are among the least attractive. Just look at them without makeup. This includes most hollywood actresses. Average women are more attractive than hollywood actresses without makeup

[Anonymous]

Men are so dumb.

You really think seeing how hideous the person is that your husband is choosing over you is going to make a woman feel BETTER??? No, that is going to make it worse. He's choosing some hideous freak over his own wife? Oh great, yeah that's going to make her feel wonderful. F***ing idiots.

[Anonymous]

Op what you described is terrible. Are you fat by chance? If yes, then you are contributing to his disgusting porn use. Still he is responsible for his behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op what you described is terrible. Are you fat by chance? If yes, then you are contributing to his disgusting porn use. Still he is responsible for his behavior

Both of those can't be true, idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He turned you down for sex, and so…divorce?

I don’t believe that is the acceptable cw here.

No, see, only women can turn men down for sex without any repercussions.