Surviving the twice weekly call to my mom?

[Anonymous]

My mother, 74, is a depressed, reclusive, shut-in. She has heart condition she refuses to treat. She has her 2-3 “safe” places, but other than that, she sits and is nosy about neighbors, complains about family members, or watches the news.

Because of her heart condition, I call 2-3 times a week to check in. I visit about twice a month, for a long afternoon, where I help her with things. She’s to the point where she won’t even go out for lunch anymore.

I’ve read and taken the advice here, to call on a drive home or while “busy” with something like cleaning the bathroom or cooking dinner. Ok, done. But, like today, I’m dreading even making the call, to the point it’s stressing me out. I have to call today because I haven’t spoken to her since Friday, but I’m dreading it. I also have taken the advice to just agree, give her responses like, “that sounds hard”, etc, but I still take it with me when I end the call. I feel horrible that this is her life and that there is nothing I can do (she’s cognitively sound and knows exactly what she’s doing.) At the same time, I’m resentful of her stubbornness.

Help!

[Anonymous]

Do her a favor, and stop calling. You don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do her a favor, and stop calling. You don’t care.

Are you kidding me? I am the only one who cares. I’m the one calling and making sure she’s alive and hasn’t had a heart attack. I’m the one going to help with tasks around the house. You have to be a troll, because how do you gather that I don’t care from a single thing I said in my post?

[Anonymous]

How long are these phone calls? Can you limit them to 5-10 minutes? Identify a simple reward after you complete them? Like "after I call mom, I get to decompress with 1 hour of trashy tv"?

[Anonymous]

You care more than she does, OP. It’s why you want better for her.

I don’t have much to add though. If you store up anecdotes does she let you tell them to have something to say that isn’t complaints or gossip? Would she watch the same show as you to discuss that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long are these phone calls? Can you limit them to 5-10 minutes? Identify a simple reward after you complete them? Like "after I call mom, I get to decompress with 1 hour of trashy tv"?

She has a bit of aphasia and occasional stammer, so they average around 20-30 minutes. I let her talk because I know she’s lonely, but everything she talks about is so negative. It’s draining.

[Anonymous]

Decide what your conversational limits are and have a rehearsed reply that you give every time.
"Mom, sorry to interrupt. I love you but I don't have it in me to listen to complaints about neighbor Karen so I'm going to go now. Talk to you again in a couple days."

[Anonymous]

I am following with interest. While some of our specifics differ, I am in a similar situation with a parent. Only a short call is 50 minutes. I need help too. I feel a pit of dread in my stomach when I think of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You care more than she does, OP. It’s why you want better for her.

I don’t have much to add though. If you store up anecdotes does she let you tell them to have something to say that isn’t complaints or gossip? Would she watch the same show as you to discuss that?

She does let me talk, yes. She refuses to watch anything streaming and I don’t have cable, so no. Topics are limited!

[Anonymous]

Is there something you can do after your calls with her, to shake it off? Pet a dog, go for a walk, eat a mini pb cup, meditate, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do her a favor, and stop calling. You don’t care.

Are you kidding me? I am the only one who cares. I’m the one calling and making sure she’s alive and hasn’t had a heart attack. I’m the one going to help with tasks around the house. You have to be a troll, because how do you gather that I don’t care from a single thing I said in my post?

I’m not a troll. My elderly mom was similar and I never resented calling her. She’s gone now, and I miss her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do her a favor, and stop calling. You don’t care.

This is what I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am following with interest. While some of our specifics differ, I am in a similar situation with a parent. Only a short call is 50 minutes. I need help too. I feel a pit of dread in my stomach when I think of it.

I’m glad I’m not alone! Sending compassionate thoughts your way, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do her a favor, and stop calling. You don’t care.

Are you kidding me? I am the only one who cares. I’m the one calling and making sure she’s alive and hasn’t had a heart attack. I’m the one going to help with tasks around the house. You have to be a troll, because how do you gather that I don’t care from a single thing I said in my post?

I’m not a troll. My elderly mom was similar and I never resented calling her. She’s gone now, and I miss her.

And I have no doubt I will miss my mom when she’s gone, but your toxic positivity don’t help me NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do her a favor, and stop calling. You don’t care.

Ignore the troll above. They are just some dude in mommy’s basement.