Weird MIL

[Anonymous]

My MIL is so reclusive and weird. My mother died and I would have loved to have an engaging, kind MIL but I got this grumpy hermit instead. She lives 10 minutes away by herself and doesn’t work and hasn’t come to a single sports game, school celebration, dance recital, birthday party, first communion, baptism for my 2 kids. The only thing she’s willing to do is have us drop the kids off their at her house if we want, which I do appreciate. She will take them for a sleepover but we have to drop off after 7pm and before 9am. There was a big accident so I didn’t arrive until 9:30 and she started freaking out on my 10 year old child complaining about me and how she doesn’t like me and I’m running late, and he was just sitting quietly by himself watching tv as he waited for me. I have two kids but only he was spending the night. She might take them 1x a month overnight, which is huge but why this attitude when he’s sitting on the couch watching tv? she had no where to go and sits home and watches tv all day everyday only leaving once or twice a week to go to the grocery store. She doesn’t have a car anymore because she refuses to drive. She’s 67.

I invite her for every holiday and she doesn’t come. After 5 years where she wouldn’t even come watch the kids open gifts or for Christmas eve or day dinner, I decided we will just travel since we don’t get a lot of opportunity to with the school schedule. I invite her on our family trip over Christmas (we go skiing) and once she did come but she complained I didn’t make it magical enough with decorations and our tree wasn’t special enough. It’s like having a 3rd kid dealing with her bizarre expectations. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

She has agoraphobia.

Taking the kids is great and a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Stop judging her for not being the MIL you wanted. Clearly she is struggling with some form of anxiety. I think PP’s comment about agoraphobia may be spot on. Have some grace for whatever she’s dealing with and be grateful that she watches your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has agoraphobia.

Taking the kids is great and a blessing.

Yes and also other anxieties (the timing of pickup and drop off having to be just so).

It sucks, but engaged grandparents are an assset, not a right.

[Anonymous]

It’s okay to grieve the life you thought you’d have. You wanted X. You got Y. If you need to talk to ac therapist about it, that might make you feel better. It will not change MIL.

After you’ve managed your expectations, you will enjoy the overnight care more. I’d aim to drop kids off at 7:30 in the future, no matter what. Remember, she’s getting older and any month could be the last time you have the blessing of time.

[Anonymous]

One time she “freaked out” when you were late picking up your kid.

One time she complained about holiday decorations.


Okaaaaaaay.

Stop looking down on her. You come off as a mean girl. Not a good look for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

So, if she has all these odd behaviors, why do you leave your children with her? Could she handle an emergency?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, op. That would annoy me too. People use anxiety as an excuse for rude behavior. My MIL is extremely anxious and also has avoided spending time with our kids and at our house even though we live close by. The twist is she says she loves us very much and misses us but almost never babysat our well behaved kids who are now teens. We have to visit her at her place. She also is extremely anal about cleaning and keeping her house clutter free. She will make us take an armload of stuff every time we go over just to get it out her condo. She doesn’t care if we want it or whether it suits our style or fits. Father in law just passed so today we came home with all his sweaters, but soak lots of random stuff she wanted gone asap. It’s like she’s a ticking timebomb/ she will explode if the stuff isn’t gone by 3… 2… 1!

[Anonymous]

Why haven’t you dropped the rope by now? She has shown you who she is, and what little she is capable of.

She has been consistent in her behavior, even though you don’t like it. At least it’s a known behavior you can plan on and predict and count on.

AND she doesn’t seem to have any expectations or demands: she’s not whining that she needs more visits, she’s not asking for rides, she’s not asking to go on vacation with you or for you guys to stay home and traveling.

Her behavior: “Please leave me alone. I don’t want to engage.”

OP’s unchanging expectations: “She wants to be with us! Let’s engage!”

OP, believe her.

[Anonymous]

This is like the wet dream of so many here. You never have to see her if you don't want and she doesn't bother you. You've won the lottery.

[Anonymous]

She’s not the MIL you want .. Too bad.
That’s on you and your problem. Check yourself Ma’am

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is like the wet dream of so many here. You never have to see her if you don't want and she doesn't bother you. You've won the lottery.

My friends say this to me. My MiL doesn't have my phone number, she's never said my name, she's never said anything to me that wasn't answering a question I had asked. She lives a mile away and never comes over without an explicit invitation.

[Anonymous]

She's a complete drag and a miserable person who is clearly doing nothing with the life she was given. After she complained to your child about you after that one time, there is no way I would ever send my children there again. Never. Stop inviting her to stuff. If your husband wants to maintain a relationship, you don't stand in his way but you don't need to try and facilitate it. I'm sure your kids hate going to her house. I bet sleeping over is unsettling for them. Ask them.

[Anonymous]

You're out of line, OP.

This person clearly is on the autistic spectrum and has very rigid thought patterns such as the times you should pick up your kid, and general unbending expectations for the very few life events that you both share.

So do not engage. She has told you what the rules are, and honestly, they're much easier to live with than if she was an attention-hog and wanted the limelight and fawning attention all the dammed time! She doesn't want to come to your event, or your trips. That's great! It means you don't need to deal with her.

And stop whining that you're not getting a second mother for yourself, or a "normal" grandmother for your children. Your children are going to be just fine. You are going to be just fine.

And pick up well before 9am, so you're not bumping against her deadline.

[Anonymous]

A night a childcare one a month is NOT worth dealing with this woman. And I bet your kids hate it, so stop it. Don't tell her about kid events, don't invite her to holidays Just stop. Let your husband deal with it. She's his mother.