Subtle signs of emotional abuse?

[Anonymous]

Been married about 19 years and recently noticed that my husband’s behavior, what I call selfish, has intensified. Yesterday he did a thing that I described to my friend and she said he did a DARVO and when I looked it up, it exactly described what I experienced. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. He did it, in almost exact detail, to one of our children last week. This morning I looked up subtle signs of emotional abusive relationships and found that I’m experiencing about half of them but he’s not violent and he doesn’t threaten me or make me fearful in any way of anything other than he has threatened to leave me recently, which makes me feel emotionally unsafe. These: #10: Making you feel guilty for their behavior
#9: Invalidating your feelings
#8: Dismissive or withholding affection
#7: Monitoring or controlling your actions (he only controls my actions like spending although my income is double his).
#5: Blaming you for their problems or feelings
But this is by far the worst:
#4: Gaslighting and manipulation

Any hope for this marriage? I’m giving myself a year to decide and will start seeing a counselor next week. It's "not that bad" but it's happening, and getting noticeably worse.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’re fully aware.
Thinking it’s not that bad will have you right where you are - complacent and in the next 365 days.

Good luck with counseling. Hopefully that will give you the clarity you need.

[Anonymous]

Have you mentioned the behavior to him? It sounds like he is emotionally immature and you can't ignore it anymore. Does he want to change? He might, if you tell him you are thinking of divorce. As always, look out for your dc and work on yourself. This is not a couple's counseling situation. He has work to do individually.

[Anonymous]

Tread lightly here, because once you start seeing these patterns you will want to start standing up and defending yourself and your kid. That risks escalating the abuse because your DH will interpret this as a personal attack.

Seek your own therapy first to help you process the emotions this discovery is uncovering and offer some tips for changing your communication based on this new awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tread lightly here, because once you start seeing these patterns you will want to start standing up and defending yourself and your kid. That risks escalating the abuse because your DH will interpret this as a personal attack.

Seek your own therapy first to help you process the emotions this discovery is uncovering and offer some tips for changing your communication based on this new awareness.

OP here: I was shocked when the videos I watched on DARVO said to not confront and couples counseling wouldn't work. Seems bleak.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. I’ve been there and unfortunately, it just gets worse.

Do not confront and get yourself counseling. Then start preparing to leave. Get a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

The danger of these online articles is that all of us, ALL OF US, exhibit these characteristics. Anyone who claims to be blameless is a special kind of toxic. So if you look at your spouse, over a several-decade relationship, you'll see "subtle signs" of all kinds of dysfunction, because humans are all dysfunctional, flawed creatures. DARVO took over gaslighting as the diagnosis du jour, but the truth is that everyone gaslights sometimes, everyone has DARVO'd and will likely DARVO again.

What makes these things problems isn't the single issue or occasional presence of some of these characteristics. "Emotional abuse" is a long-term pattern of consistent behaviors, not being wrong/stupid/a jerk once. There has to be more to it than that, otherwise we're all "emotional abusers" and the whole idea loses meaning.

So while it's tempting to look at your spouse's behaviors and try to categorize them as THE dysfunction in your relationship, the more mature thing to ask is "where do I do this same thing?" Remember the old adage about pointing the finger, and how many fingers point back at you when you do. Then keep in mind that the only person you control is yourself, so there's not really much point in trying to label or blame others. If you're unhappy, leave. If you're honest enough to recognize your part in the problem (and 99% of the time, you have one), simply get about the business of adjusting your own behavior(s) and see what happens.

Posting one-sided stories on DCUM and asking strangers to validate your non-medical evaluation of a person they don't know is... a special kind of sick, honestly.

[Anonymous]

You’re usually a frog in a pot of water brought to boiling. Keep a journal of reality, hide it daily, use it as a reference, go back and see how frequent the BS, gaslighting and lies are.

[Anonymous]

Crazy making
Twists your concerns or questions into personally attacking you for even asking.
“Forgets” mutual decisions
Name calling not discussing
Deflect
Excuses
Threats
Calls you crazy
Lies
Accusations
Zero conflict resolution- the underlying issue brought up is never addressed, instead there is a crazy horse & pony show argument
Rages
Threatens divorce to shut down conversations
Instantly charming to outsiders if the doorbell rings (ie IS in control of the anger and abuse).
Prioritizes the external ego and image versus inside the home to family.
Blows up, goes to bed, feels great the next day and “forgot” what even happened. Never circles back.
Agrees to do something, rarely does or does it incorrectly.
Blows up before your big events - a work trip, hosting a holiday, a big decision or presentation.

Wants to control and manipulate.

[Anonymous]

My HS friend who is a child trauma psychologist heard about some stories and patterns I mentioned at a catch up lunch years ago and instantly said the following:
“‘he keeps escalating simple matters into arguments. By stonewalling, ignoring, arguing side tracks, or deflecting. That’s not good.’”

And holy moly, once kids showed up he was nonstop emotionally and verbally abusive or hid in the bathroom or home office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been married about 19 years and recently noticed that my husband’s behavior, what I call selfish, has intensified. Yesterday he did a thing that I described to my friend and she said he did a DARVO and when I looked it up, it exactly described what I experienced. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. He did it, in almost exact detail, to one of our children last week. This morning I looked up subtle signs of emotional abusive relationships and found that I’m experiencing about half of them but he’s not violent and he doesn’t threaten me or make me fearful in any way of anything other than he has threatened to leave me recently, which makes me feel emotionally unsafe. These: #10: Making you feel guilty for their behavior
#9: Invalidating your feelings
#8: Dismissive or withholding affection
#7: Monitoring or controlling your actions (he only controls my actions like spending although my income is double his).
#5: Blaming you for their problems or feelings
But this is by far the worst:
#4: Gaslighting and manipulation

Any hope for this marriage? I’m giving myself a year to decide and will start seeing a counselor next week. It's "not that bad" but it's happening, and getting noticeably worse.

He’s creating significant instability in you and the kids if he’s doing the above routinely, or infrequently. Yuck.

Everyone needs individual therapy. He won’t change, maybe if the stakes were very high but even then grown men would rather quit their families than improve their toxic habits. It’s easier for them. Every decision he makes is the easy path or path of least resistance, for him.

[Anonymous]

Not that it matters is cases like this since abuse is abuse, but does he have any untreated or under treated diagnosed mental disorders? Or in his family history.

It would help to know his diagnoses or repeat symptoms for your targeted therapy.

Btw I hope you are seeing at least a trauma therapist if not PHD level person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tread lightly here, because once you start seeing these patterns you will want to start standing up and defending yourself and your kid. That risks escalating the abuse because your DH will interpret this as a personal attack.

Seek your own therapy first to help you process the emotions this discovery is uncovering and offer some tips for changing your communication based on this new awareness.

OP here: I was shocked when the videos I watched on DARVO said to not confront and couples counseling wouldn't work. Seems bleak.

Unf that’s not shocking. Unless you want a two hour raging lunatic argument with him when you bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tread lightly here, because once you start seeing these patterns you will want to start standing up and defending yourself and your kid. That risks escalating the abuse because your DH will interpret this as a personal attack.

Seek your own therapy first to help you process the emotions this discovery is uncovering and offer some tips for changing your communication based on this new awareness.

OP here: I was shocked when the videos I watched on DARVO said to not confront and couples counseling wouldn't work. Seems bleak.

If he can recognize that he needs to change, there is hope.Unfortunately, this emotional abusive behavior is part of his (maladaptive) coping skills. His sense of control comes from silencing anyone who butts up against his "reality." I don't think he is evil, I think he has deep issues. The family doesn't have to go along with it, but you can't challenge him. He very well could escalate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The danger of these online articles is that all of us, ALL OF US, exhibit these characteristics. Anyone who claims to be blameless is a special kind of toxic. So if you look at your spouse, over a several-decade relationship, you'll see "subtle signs" of all kinds of dysfunction, because humans are all dysfunctional, flawed creatures. DARVO took over gaslighting as the diagnosis du jour, but the truth is that everyone gaslights sometimes, everyone has DARVO'd and will likely DARVO again.

What makes these things problems isn't the single issue or occasional presence of some of these characteristics. "Emotional abuse" is a long-term pattern of consistent behaviors, not being wrong/stupid/a jerk once. There has to be more to it than that, otherwise we're all "emotional abusers" and the whole idea loses meaning.

So while it's tempting to look at your spouse's behaviors and try to categorize them as THE dysfunction in your relationship, the more mature thing to ask is "where do I do this same thing?" Remember the old adage about pointing the finger, and how many fingers point back at you when you do. Then keep in mind that the only person you control is yourself, so there's not really much point in trying to label or blame others. If you're unhappy, leave. If you're honest enough to recognize your part in the problem (and 99% of the time, you have one), simply get about the business of adjusting your own behavior(s) and see what happens.

Posting one-sided stories on DCUM and asking strangers to validate your non-medical evaluation of a person they don't know is... a special kind of sick, honestly.

Lol

Patterns are patterns. Know your truth.

I emailed myself at a separate account everytime he did this.

It’s disgusting to read that inbox.

The abuser really tried to isolate you as well. From friends and family. It could be their maladaptive cope to attempt to forget about their constant mistakes and poor comms, it could be deliberate, it could be both.