DH hid THC use from me

[Anonymous]

We’ve been married 20+ years. For context, I smoked a little marijuana in college and am not against it. I would be interested in trying some of the ultra low-dose cocktails but am a federal employee. My DH has always been very much against it and, to my knowledge, never tried it up until (possibly) recently. I was looking for a check which migrated from a universal location to my DH’s desk drawer when I found buzz drops. I asked him about them in a lighthearted way and he responded with annoyance and said he didn’t tell me because he cant talk about stuff like this with me and I would use it against him. That’s when it became clear he had every intention of hiding it from me. I feel so betrayed and don’t know whether I can trust him. Not only do I think it’s wrong to hide something like that but it’s also wrong that, instead of owning it, he blamed me. I could use advice on how to approach a discussion on this. And, what do I do if I’m not satisfied with the resolution? I’m just not okay with keeping stuff from one another.

[Anonymous]

You’re not going to solve this without first working on your defensiveness and behavior that causes your husband to hide things. His statement that you would use it against him is an incredibly powerful statement about your behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not going to solve this without first working on your defensiveness and behavior that causes your husband to hide things. His statement that you would use it against him is an incredibly powerful statement about your behavior.

OP here- I’m not saying our marriage is perfect and I agree that whatever is behind that statement is also a problem. Over the past year, my DH started drinking every night, sometimes the equivalent of 4-5 hard alcohol drinks. He decided to do “dry January” and told me that I should mention it when he broke the rules. After “dry January” ended (mid-January), I mentioned a couple more times that I thought the amount he was drinking might not be healthy. He got defensive about it so I stopped. That might be what he means, but like I said, we have not discussed it yet.

[Anonymous]

Do you have minor kids? If so, that would really make me angry - because he’s a parent that needs to be available to take care of them, drive in case of emergency, etc. and him hiding if he is impaired is not compatible with that. On the talking front, I would definitely address that you deserve to be aware if he is under the influence. Also, if you do have kids, presumably they could have found his drops as easy as you did. Generally, it sounds like he has or is developing substance abuse issues. Maybe you start the conversation by telling him you are worried about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 20+ years. For context, I smoked a little marijuana in college and am not against it. I would be interested in trying some of the ultra low-dose cocktails but am a federal employee. My DH has always been very much against it and, to my knowledge, never tried it up until (possibly) recently. I was looking for a check which migrated from a universal location to my DH’s desk drawer when I found buzz drops. I asked him about them in a lighthearted way and he responded with annoyance and said he didn’t tell me because he cant talk about stuff like this with me and I would use it against him. That’s when it became clear he had every intention of hiding it from me. I feel so betrayed and don’t know whether I can trust him. Not only do I think it’s wrong to hide something like that but it’s also wrong that, instead of owning it, he blamed me. I could use advice on how to approach a discussion on this. And, what do I do if I’m not satisfied with the resolution? I’m just not okay with keeping stuff from one another.

Don't love that gaslighting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have minor kids? If so, that would really make me angry - because he’s a parent that needs to be available to take care of them, drive in case of emergency, etc. and him hiding if he is impaired is not compatible with that. On the talking front, I would definitely address that you deserve to be aware if he is under the influence. Also, if you do have kids, presumably they could have found his drops as easy as you did. Generally, it sounds like he has or is developing substance abuse issues. Maybe you start the conversation by telling him you are worried about that.

Yes, we have teens who would know exactly what they are. You make a good point about knowing when he is impaired and I hadn’t thought of that. I am also concerned about them finding them. We don’t have the “THC is okay when used by responsible adults” vibe in our house, so I think they would be super confused.

[Anonymous]

Daily alcohol + buzz drops (whatever they are). You bet I would use that against him. Any other charming attributes?

[Anonymous]

Wait until you find out he’s been having an affair…

[Anonymous]

There are three separate, but interconnected issues:

1. You husbands substance use
2. Your husbands lying
3. The communication pattern.

OP, by reflecting on how you can improve the communication pattern from yourself then you can hope to invite more honesty from your husband which then can address the substance use.

When communicating, focus on how things affect you and the kids. Not being able to trust that he is sober when driving, for instance.

And listen to what he has to say, allow him to be vulnerable. Stay curious and have faith in him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not going to solve this without first working on your defensiveness and behavior that causes your husband to hide things. His statement that you would use it against him is an incredibly powerful statement about your behavior.

Uh, no. His bad behavior is not OP fault. That’s his excuse, and it’s ridiculous. Hiding his problem substance abuse not only robs OP of chance to know truth, but robs him of chance to share and discuss his issues.
OP, the sad truth is there is nothing you can do to stop him from using or lying. You can, however, set boundaries and make a list of things YOU can do to protect yourself from the using and the lies - do not let him drive you or your car, do not let him operate heavy machinery, be aware he may be hiding other things.,I’m so sorry this is happening.

[Anonymous]

Also, look up Al-anon and go to a meeting. Trust me, it will really help you to talk to others in your position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not going to solve this without first working on your defensiveness and behavior that causes your husband to hide things. His statement that you would use it against him is an incredibly powerful statement about your behavior.

OP here- I’m not saying our marriage is perfect and I agree that whatever is behind that statement is also a problem. Over the past year, my DH started drinking every night, sometimes the equivalent of 4-5 hard alcohol drinks. He decided to do “dry January” and told me that I should mention it when he broke the rules. After “dry January” ended (mid-January), I mentioned a couple more times that I thought the amount he was drinking might not be healthy. He got defensive about it so I stopped. That might be what he means, but like I said, we have not discussed it yet.

What has changed in the last year that might contribute to his need for escape, comfort or solace?
An illness or diagnosis? Death or illness of a parent or loved one?

[Anonymous]

4-5 hard drinks per night sounds like a lot. Is this every night?

[Anonymous]

Hmmm… What else is he hiding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 20+ years. For context, I smoked a little marijuana in college and am not against it. I would be interested in trying some of the ultra low-dose cocktails but am a federal employee. My DH has always been very much against it and, to my knowledge, never tried it up until (possibly) recently. I was looking for a check which migrated from a universal location to my DH’s desk drawer when I found buzz drops. I asked him about them in a lighthearted way and he responded with annoyance and said he didn’t tell me because he cant talk about stuff like this with me and I would use it against him. That’s when it became clear he had every intention of hiding it from me. I feel so betrayed and don’t know whether I can trust him. Not only do I think it’s wrong to hide something like that but it’s also wrong that, instead of owning it, he blamed me. I could use advice on how to approach a discussion on this. And, what do I do if I’m not satisfied with the resolution? I’m just not okay with keeping stuff from one another.

It sounds like his feelings and concerns are valid because you sound like a crazy unicorn needing toast.